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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to drop a day at work?

164 replies

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 14/01/2019 17:13

For background DH and I have an age gap, a shade over twenty years in fact Confused
This has never hugely concerned me and we have been together and (mostly) happy for twelve years.
DH is now 67 and has today announced that he thinks he may as well drop a day a week. Currently he finishes early on that day anyway as we have a volunteering commitment, so in fact would be dropping between 5 and 6 hours.
In principle I don't have an issue with it, in practice DH has no pension (a problem for a whole other thread Hmm) except his state provision and dropping a day would already swallow up around half of that income.
Financially we could afford it, but it then allows us much less leeway to save for the time that he cannot actually work, or will be impacting on our currently rather pleasant quality of life.
I think what is pissing me off is that I fully expect to have to work until at least my mid 70's if I'm still able and I have some small private pension provision as well. I get that times are different now and this is one of the hurdles with an age gap relationship, but I'm genuinely wondering whether I am BU and I should just cut him some slack, or he should just knuckle down for as long as possible?

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/01/2019 09:45

Op your DH is past life expectancy age in some parts of the UK!!

What is life for? Let him wind down !

Boysandbuses · 15/01/2019 10:07

So it's a wife's job to make sure her husband has an income in retirement, but he's not responsible for doing that himself

A married couple support eachother when they need it. Marrying a older man means that they will retire first and there could be a drop in income and lifestyle.

But he isn't retiring or expecting the OP to support him. He earns good money and simply reducing hours. As an older person would.

Op just doesn't want a drop in lifestyle. But you can marry someone at 55 and expect them to work forever.

They both should have spoken about it before getting married. However, I don't think you can blame him assuming she knew he would get old and want to reduce hours or retire.

He is being responsible for his own income. Which is why he is working 4 days and just reducing the income slightly.

Worsethingshappen · 15/01/2019 10:18

YABU! He’s 67. He is big enough to make this sort of decision.

IggyAce · 15/01/2019 10:30

My dd is 67 this year and still works full time and I noticed at Christmas he is looking really tired, so I’m going to speak with him and suggest he drops a day or two with the view to retiring next year. However been with my dm full time will probably be harder work.
He is only wanting to drop a half day not give up work entirely, yes you may have to budget more.

Original poster
Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 15/01/2019 13:35

This is the first time in my life I've ever been called a princess Grin
I absolutely accept that he should retire, my point is that he hasn't made the provision to do so. If I don't (assuming life follows its correct path and I am widowed) then that's tough, I will have no choice but to carry on working. There is an element I think of me feeling that he has definitely got the better option.
We need to talk and work out what he's intending to do I think.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 15/01/2019 13:47

Are you a partnership op? You sound very selfish.

BatsAreCool · 15/01/2019 13:54

I absolutely accept that he should retire, my point is that he hasn't made the provision to do so.

DH and I have different pension provisions. Our retirement plans combines both of them and no way do we view it as his and hers.

Your DH has the state pension. He is after his state retirement age and only wants to drop 1 day.

You are acting like he needs to bring in his full wage plus state pension otherwise he has to work until he dies.

It isn't just about making provisions to continue your lifestyle until he dies as most people I know alter their lifestyle because less money comes in on retirement.

Chesspease · 15/01/2019 14:02

I absolutely accept that he should retire, my point is that he hasn't made the provision to do so. If I don't (assuming life follows its correct path and I am widowed) then that's tough, I will have no choice but to carry on working.

So I’m other words, you want him to keep working past retirement age but you feel unhappy about doing so yourself. Riiiiight.

There is an element I think of me feeling that he has definitely got the better option.

Sorry but you knew he was 20 years your senior when you decided to marry him. What did you think was going to happen? He’d leave you a merry rich widow? Hmm

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 15/01/2019 14:10

Has no provision been made for a pension because his salary is fully spent on outgoings? Are you both in agreement about these outgoings?

Could he drop the hours but you drop a chunk of your joint outgoings to prop up the pension?

How long have you been married? I'm guessing not long for you to sound so callous, if I'm completely honest.

Boysandbuses · 15/01/2019 14:25

I absolutely accept that heshouldretire, my point is that he hasn't made the provision to do so. If I don't (assuming life follows its correct path and I am widowed) then that's tough, I will have no choice but to carry on working.

No because surely you have your own good pension provision. If not, why not? Slowing down and retiring is part of old age. So why haven't you both discussed this, before now?

Why can't your prepare for your retirement now while he is in work and you are in your 40s?

Why doesnt he or both of you have life insurance?

You have also had financial benefit from being with him for the last 12 years. It's cheaper to be a couple, than a single person.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/01/2019 14:26

I absolutely accept that he should retire, my point is that he hasn't made the provision to do so.

It's a difficult position to be in, OP. My suggestion would be to make a spreadsheet of your finances for 2017 and 2018 - all income and expenditure, plus what you currently have in savings.

See what that comes to and then decide where you'd need to cut back if he gives up a days' work. If it makes a big difference, perhaps he could continue doing his current hours for another year or two to allow you to slowly reduce your outgoings?

The lack of a pension plan is a real bugger, he definitely needs some significant savings to compensate - perhaps you could cut back on outgoings anyway and he could save up the extra money for a couple of years?

SillySallySingsSongs · 15/01/2019 14:30

I absolutely accept that heshouldretire, my point is that he hasn't made the provision to do so.

Neither of you have. You have been married 12 years. This isn't all on him.

Your posts shout me me me me me.

Loopytiles · 15/01/2019 14:31

This was foreseeable when you married him.

CountessVonBoobs · 15/01/2019 14:57

But he had a private pension, so what happened to it, exactly?! Are you sure he didn't cede his pension portfolio in a divorce settlement? That's the only scenario I can imagine where someone would lose their private pension pot. And why hasn't he been paying in since he's been married to you? He would have had to deliberately take action to opt out. Have you seen his payslips? Could he be concealing assets somewhere?

Butterymuffin · 15/01/2019 15:48

This was foreseeable when you married him.

Indeed - by both of them. But for some reason the husband is not being criticised for not thinking ahead as OP is. Countess makes excellent points about this:
But hehada private pension, so what happened to it, exactly?
why hasn't he been paying in since he's been married to you?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/01/2019 15:50

It is so easy when you are younger to say I will be working past 68, 69, 70 but the truth is you have absolutely no idea if you will be able to or not. And still being active but not working is totally a different thing. If one morning you feel a bit tired you can stay in bed an extra hour, stop your activity for a cuppa or rest at any point, no deadline. None of this is the same as paid employment. If you have an evening activity going on if you are retired you can relax all day beforehand again not possible in paid employment. An awful lot of people have to rethink their retirement plans. OP and her DH are one of these couples.

Boysandbuses · 15/01/2019 15:51

Indeed - by both of them. But for some reason the husband is not being criticised for not thinking ahead as OP is

Because he is still working past retirement age. He isn't quitting. Just reducing his hours.

BikingBeatrix · 15/01/2019 15:53

A few questions- have rtft carefully and it’s not clear how yr life style would change exactly. You know if it’s the difference between 3 foreign hols a year and a summer weekend in wales then that would be hard. Going from 2 expensive cars to one old banger?BUT for us to say if you r being u we need to know how muchthe change would be.Yet again,we all have different thresholds of what we can tolerate, OP. What would be best is if you and he can decide together how it will impact you both. Is he willing to take on some chores, eg making dinner a couple of nights a week, getting the grocery shop done. Has he already claimed his SP? It’s not clear if that’s the case.

My situation has some parallels. My husband is now 73, I’m a young thing at 57! He took his SP at 67 or 68. He suddenly around 64 - 66 got a lot more tired. Found the early starts harter. By delaying claiming the SP by a couple of years he was able to increase its size by a bit. He also had very little by way of occupational pension, no private.. i lost my career through illhealth. I want to be earning again, it I’m never quite well enough. DH does most of the groceries shopping - he did some before but he’s now aware of where all the good deals are etc. He’s a much ‚better‘ shopper than me, spends less but gets the basics done. We also have 2 adults sons w extra needs so one of us had to be around anyway. So not the same, I know. We‘re also quite ‚unconsumerist‘ if that’s a word. We like being around the house, reading ,watching films etc. Every couple’s different. You have to talk to him about what you both want.

nokidshere · 15/01/2019 16:12

DH has retired this week at the age of 65 (I'm 56) He is fit and healthy and has an active life, but he's been going to work for 47yrs and he is weary. He doesn't want to be getting up at 6am and fighting his way through the daily commute, having to work late and all the other stuff. He will probably pick up some very part time consultancy work after a few months off but that's very different to doing it every day for years.

He's very much looking forward to a better balance and time to relax.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 15/01/2019 16:29

First of all I would entirely remove your feelings about generational inequality from the decision making process. Yes, his cohort are going to get more from the state on average than yours are. As someone the generation below you, I'm rather keenly aware that those retiring now are going to cost more than they've put in, and that those of us who are younger will be paying for them to have more than we'll ever get. But it's not a relevant factor on the micro level.

Secondly, though your wording is very odd, it sounds like he would be losing about £250-£300 a month by dropping a day? That would mean with his four day salary plus state pension he's bringing quite a lot of money into the house, over two grand I should think. Are you honestly in a position where that extra £250 a month would make a significant difference? If he's bringing in a couple of grand a month, is that really not enough to cover his share of your lifestyle?

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 15/01/2019 17:48

My dh is 64 I am 47. When I met him he was physically fit and a personal trainer, although he has a professional career. We married and planned a child as he didn’t have any I was 40 when we had twins and 43, and he 60, when we had our daughter. He will have to work to at least 70. He has a good pension but there is just not enough money to support a family on just his pension and his wage. He doesn’t have the option to change his mind. He has critical I’ll ess and life insurance.

IMO yanbu it should be a discussion and a joint decision.

WitchesWeb · 15/01/2019 18:09

@NewRoadToHappinessxx he is dropping 5 hours not retiring.

I hope if you are expecting your DH to work until at least 70 that you will do exactly the same.

goingonabearhunt1 · 15/01/2019 18:10

Wouldn't he have been automatically opted into a pension scheme the past few years if he's been in work? Or is he self employed? Seems weird to have no pension at all if he's been working in what sounds like a professional job. I think it's reasonable for him to drop hours, sounds like you can afford it with some adjustments. But it's reasonable for him to do something around the house I think and not leave it all to you!

Boulty · 15/01/2019 18:14

67 and he merely wishes to drop around 6 hours a week.... YABU

YankeeDad · 15/01/2019 18:16

I am surprised nobody has commented on the overall division of work: apparently OP works full time, and does most of the domestic work, while DH who is apparently not a high enough earner to have a pension wants to have another day off.

If he does drop a day then maybe he should use the extra time to help out more with the housework, dog walking, home admin, etc...