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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to drop a day at work?

164 replies

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 14/01/2019 17:13

For background DH and I have an age gap, a shade over twenty years in fact
This has never hugely concerned me and we have been together and (mostly) happy for twelve years.
DH is now 67 and has today announced that he thinks he may as well drop a day a week. Currently he finishes early on that day anyway as we have a volunteering commitment, so in fact would be dropping between 5 and 6 hours.
In principle I don't have an issue with it, in practice DH has no pension (a problem for a whole other thread ) except his state provision and dropping a day would already swallow up around half of that income.
Financially we could afford it, but it then allows us much less leeway to save for the time that he cannot actually work, or will be impacting on our currently rather pleasant quality of life.
I think what is pissing me off is that I fully expect to have to work until at least my mid 70's if I'm still able and I have some small private pension provision as well. I get that times are different now and this is one of the hurdles with an age gap relationship, but I'm genuinely wondering whether I am BU and I should just cut him some slack, or he should just knuckle down for as long as possible?

OP posts:

Figgygal · 14/01/2019 18:24

He's 67!!!!!

I've worked part time due to childcare since I was 30 and I'm still struggling give the guy a break.

You said it is affordable so would you rather he takes that time or work full time until the day drops dead? Why neither of you have a decent pension between you I don't understand though

famousfour · 14/01/2019 18:26

It depends. If he is funding his retirement by you then having to work longer then UANBU. If he is funding it through adjusting down his / your lifestyle then UABU potentially.

Romanov · 14/01/2019 18:29

DH has no pension (a problem for a whole other thread) except his state provision and dropping a day would already swallow up around half of that income.

How does dropping 1 day halve his income? How many days does he work now?

babysharkah · 14/01/2019 18:35

He's 67. You must have envisage this happening?!

babysharkah · 14/01/2019 18:36

He's 67. You must have envisaged this happening?! What will happen when you're 67 and he's 87, will you have retired to become his carer if he needs it?

VimFuego101 · 14/01/2019 18:39

How does he have no pension? I think dropping one day a week is minor compared to the issues you'll have if he physically can't work any longer - what happens if he is unable to work?

BatsAreCool · 14/01/2019 18:41

But you must have known that this would happen at some point with such an age difference. There is no way I want to be working at 67 and he only wants to drop a day rather than fully retire.

TulipsInbloom1 · 14/01/2019 18:43

At 67 having working all his life, he could just retire. You can't force him to work 5 days a week just because you do.

Oblomov19 · 14/01/2019 18:43

Yes he should be able to drop at day at 67. But he can't. Because he CHOSE not to provide for himself by paying into a pension.

Cutting back days is a privilege for those than have done their financial planning.

adaline · 14/01/2019 18:43

I don't know many people of that age who work full-time if they even work at all!

Surely you knew this day was coming? Why doesn't he have a pension?

user139328237 · 14/01/2019 18:44

I think she means dropping a day loses half of his state pension in terms of wages.
YABVU most people his age are fully retired so wanting to cut down slightly is expected.

user139328237 · 14/01/2019 18:47

@oblomov
He is above state pension age so even the government do not expect him to work. It seems to OP values her quality of life as more important than his and seems to think she should be allowed a much longer retirement than he'll get considering the differences in life expentancy between 45 year old women and 70 year old men.

BatsAreCool · 14/01/2019 18:48

Financially we could afford it, but it then allows us much less leeway to save for the time that he cannot actually work, or will be impacting on our currently rather pleasant quality of life.

So you can afford it but you just don't want it to impact you. No one knows how long they will live. How do you know when he will 'no longer be able to work'? Do you want him working until he drops? Lot of people don't have private pensions and just survive on the state one. It's not as if he is only 47 and wants to drop a day. He's at retirement age now.

sollyfromsurrey · 14/01/2019 18:50

Why is everyone talking about the age difference expecting the OP to be the one to compromise. Yes, the OP knew their partner was older but the partner also knew that the OP was younger when they married and surely he realised he would have to perhaps work longer as he is married to someone who will still want the lifestyle of a younger person. It works both ways. He will no doubt expect the OP to care for him when he is very elderly so he can surely sacrifice now when he still is young enough and work full time for a few more years.

Fundays12 · 14/01/2019 18:51

I understand his reasons he is older and probably finding it too much but I do notice you say you have volunteer commitments maybe these need to go first? I am saying that as someone who does volunteer but if things get to much the first thung I cut back on is the unpaid work not paid.

supersop60 · 14/01/2019 18:52

He's 67. Perfectly reasonable to want to slow down a bit.
My DM took early retirement at 56, and I'm so glad she did and had time to enjoy herself because she died at 66.
If you're 20 years younger - you work harder.

GertrudeCB · 14/01/2019 18:52

My DH is also 67 and I'm 20 years younger, he currently works 20 hours per week and I work ft. He also only has his state pension and he will be retiring fully in a year's time. I don't expect him to work forever and we have cut our cloth.

adaline · 14/01/2019 18:52

surely he realised he would have to perhaps work longer as he is married to someone who will still want the lifestyle of a younger person

Eh, what?

So anyone who marries a younger partner should expect to continue working for longer so the younger partner keeps the lifetime they're accustomed to? Is that what you're saying?

How about they work as a partnership. OP knew her husband was older and had no pension provision. Why haven't they talked about it before now and figured out a solution? You can't just expect someone to work into their seventies just because you want them to!

BatsAreCool · 14/01/2019 18:53

Why is everyone talking about the age difference expecting the OP to be the one to compromise.

Because you don't expect someone to work till they are 87 just because you are younger and still want the lifestyle of two working people.

RomanyRoots · 14/01/2019 18:54

It's what happens when you marry an old guy. I bet he's ready to retire now, bless him.
OP, how are you going to cope when he needs care, you don't sound very supportive.
A friend lost her dh, he dropped dead and was 20 years older. She pushed him to be able to do what she could. Terribly selfish and she blames herself.
She talks about all their plans they made for when she retired that would go to pot now, that would have put him at 80. How long do you expect him to go on for OP.

Boysandbuses · 14/01/2019 18:56

Of course he knew he would want to slow down.

But the OP is the one objecting to her elderly husband slowing down. Which is a natural part of aging.

How would he know the op would be bothered by this. Perhaps he assumed she would get that older people slow down.

She chose to marry him knowing he was older, had no pension, would retire first. Now she is moaning about a natural part of life.

SillySallySingsSongs · 14/01/2019 18:56

surely he realised he would have to perhaps work longer as he is married to someone who will still want the lifestyle of a younger person.

He has worked past his retirement age already. He is dropping 5 hours. How much longer exactly woukd you like him to work for @sollyfromsurrey

blue25 · 14/01/2019 18:59

This shows the importance of having a pension. Who wants to still be working at 67?

He has benefitted from the extra money in his pocket for years by choosing not to pay into a pension. Now he will pay the price unfortunately.

museumum · 14/01/2019 19:00

If you’re 47 and plan to work to 70+ you’re basically saying you are likely to work through all the rest of your DPs life
How could you have not talked about this?
DHs grandfather was 20yrs older than his wife (died 3 year ago at 96) and they planned extensively for the latter years. She stepped back a little with him for a decade or so - travelling lots while keeping a hand in a work - then when he died she stepped back up into some senior director roles.

MrsBandersnatch · 14/01/2019 19:00

My husband retired at 60, with a pension, which resulted in a 50% drop in income. We have less money now, but a better life.

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