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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think most mothers would not want to live with their mothers?

195 replies

partinor · 14/01/2019 15:29

I really want to know if I am out of step with opinion here?
A feminist friend is very against nuclear families, and I understand her point. But when I ask her what the alternatives could be, she argues that most mothers want to and would be better off living with their own mother.
I get on fine with my mother, but the thought of living with her with kids sends me into a cold sweat.
So AIBU to think most mothers would not want to live with their own mother?

OP posts:

Wordthe · 14/01/2019 21:40

In a world where we have birth control, women are allowed to develop personalities and be individuals before they partner up and/or have children, where keeping a house isn't labour intensive, and they have a chance at doing work that they love and are good at, why would they??!!
Nailed it!

Crispyturtle · 14/01/2019 21:44

I’d love to live with my mum! Though as I have a 3y/o and an 18mth old, I don’t think she’d be so keen...

SoyDora · 14/01/2019 21:47

That way we get practical and emotional support and lots of help with childcare

Don’t really get this. My DH is fat better practical and emotional support than my mum, and when not at work all childcare is shared 50:50. I wouldn’t expect my mum to do 50% of the childcare for my children outside of her full time job.
Also... DH adores caring for his children. And spending time with me. When would we see him?! Or is the idea that he’d be out of the equation completely?

Talcott2007 · 14/01/2019 22:07

Although I actually left home at 15 to live with my grandparents when my StepDF job was relocated so I could stay at the same school for my exams... I have probably lived with quite happily with my DM/StepDF up until I had my own DD. Although I had a great childhood and we get on really well since having DD there are just somethings that DM does that kind of irk me. She has quite opinionated views of what's 'best' but it's never really a problem because she lives 5hrs away from us so doesn't actually visit very often and essentially DH and I ignore the bits of 'advice' we choose to and do things the way we think best. Conversely I didn't get on very well with MIL at all before DD was born as I found her massively irritating and a language barrier didn't help things. However she has really been a fantastic grandmother - absolutely got the balance of helping out but not interfering spot on while following our wishes about DD to the letter and so I could probably actually live with her now if required!

DrunkUnicorn · 14/01/2019 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GunpowderGelatine · 14/01/2019 22:15

I'd rather remove my eyeballs with a rusty spoon than live with my mother. She's visiting on Thursday for 4 days and that's enough to send me over the edge. 4 days of passive aggressive remarks like "is that the pattern on your fireplace or are those just fingerprints?" And weird efforts to fill silences, like she's worried silence = awkwardness, so we'll be sitting at 6.30am half asleep and she'll ask "do you wear mostly trousers or skirts to work?" She's shit with my children too, living with her would be like having a third child. Unless they're older than about 8 and are 'ladylike' or little Lord Fauntleroys she's not interested (you can imagine how impressed she is at my kids constant fart jokes).

I really hate it when people assume that all women have a great relationship with their mothers. Not very "feminist" of your friend. I see it on here all the time too, poster's who are besties with their mum and are gobsmacked and judgmental if anyone else isn't

Blackboot · 14/01/2019 22:18

I thought Christmas was a nightmare, the thoughts of having that permanently..God!

GunpowderGelatine · 14/01/2019 22:20

About nuclear families - it is about the amount of abuse and just unequal division of labour that happens in many/most of them. So her argument is that rather than search for the perfect DH, we should live with our mothers. That way we get practical and emotional support and lots of help with childcare

So she thinks it would be more "equal" for men to do literally nothing because their MILa are doing the child rearing HOW is that feminism?! Women spend not only their 20s/30s/40s raising children but they get a 5 minute break before spending the rest of their lives raising more children. Why aren't women living with their dads? Your mate is a shit feminist

TooSassy · 14/01/2019 22:30

Not. A. Chance.
My mother is that mother who turns up, tells you your car is dirty, that your drive needs a sweep and the lawn needs a cut. Tuts at the one tea stained mug you missed.....get the picture?
To most people my house is immaculate. Not so my mother. She used to make me dust the skirting boards every weekend growing up.

flirtygirl · 15/01/2019 14:03

I've been staying with my mum for 7 months (1more to go)

and though not ideal I'd live with her again, if we had own spaces in a house.

I mooted this idea before I bought my new house but she was the one not liking the idea. I thought that if we had pooled our money then we could have done up a old wreck together and I'd be closer.

I'm now 100 miles away for the foreseeable but I'd let her move into my granny annex. (if I had one!)

Isitweekendyet · 15/01/2019 14:04

Christ no.

I love my mother but we are not compatible; especially in parenting styles.

Only one of us would make it out alive and sorry mum, but it wouldn’t be her.

llangennith · 15/01/2019 14:11

My kids are grown up and I love them dearly but I don't think any of us would wouldn't to live with each other. Same street maybe but not sharing a home.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 15/01/2019 14:12

I could do it.

Only because she's in a jar and could live on a shelf. Silently and without reproach. Unlike when she was alive

knittedjest · 15/01/2019 14:12

My mother lives about 300 feet from me in a flat next to my garages. I love it and I think my children greatly benefited from it growing up. As did I. I don't think families are supposed to be live in theoretical isolation as they do in today's world. Close family and friend bonds are important.

StillMe1 · 15/01/2019 14:48

It would not just be about daughter living with mother. Other dynamics would be involved. Some daughters change when they meet their chosen partner and some of these changes are alien to the parents. Would the "sons in law" wish to live with their mothers? They would be even less likely to want to live with "mum in law".
I was moving house and I was very concerned about the chain falling apart and the possibility of having sold and the new house not being available for me immediately. DD said the solution would be that I stay with her. That would have been kind of her and partner but I was concerned. Next thing she changed partners and became a very different person and not for the better. I would never consider staying with her now. I could not stand the foul language and constant noise of shouting. I would not like all the drink and drugs. This is an alien life for me. I would rather melt my credit card with hotel bills!
I wish my own mother was here and I could stay with her but alas she died when I was young.

amusedbush · 15/01/2019 14:58

I can enjoy my mother's company for however long it takes to eat a meal. I'd strangle her if I had to live with her again - I barely survived the first time!

TickleMeEmo · 15/01/2019 15:21

Definetly not... under any circumstances.
I moved out as soon as I was 16 and was NC until my dad passed away 3 years ago, now I’m all she has and feel “responsible” for her (I should add that she is in her early 50s, and in good physical health but really struggled mentally after my dad passed) but she never misses a chance to guilt trip me or make a passive aggressive comment. She comes to stay with us for a week every couple of months and it genuinely takes me a couple of weeks to recover from it 😑

BertrandRussell · 16/01/2019 12:30

The only example I know of this is my dil living with my mil. My dil thinks she is doing mil such a favour but mil is so unhappy but feels she can’t say anything about it.

lalalalyra · 16/01/2019 12:36

My MIL moved in with us recently as a test-run and we're all enjoying it. That said we all get on well, we sat down before she moved in and hammered out some essentials and she has her own space here.

We also had my Nana live with us for several years when she couldn't live alone. That was the equivilant of living with my Mum as she and my Grandad brought me up from 7.

I think it only works if you are close enough to say "You're annoying me" without it erupting into WWIII, and also all have your own lives enough that you are not in each others pockets.

recently · 16/01/2019 12:51

I think it also depends on where you live - if your mum has a separate wing or granny flat that a helluva lot easier than if you're all on top of each other.

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