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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most mothers would not want to live with their mothers?

195 replies

partinor · 14/01/2019 15:29

I really want to know if I am out of step with opinion here?
A feminist friend is very against nuclear families, and I understand her point. But when I ask her what the alternatives could be, she argues that most mothers want to and would be better off living with their own mother.
I get on fine with my mother, but the thought of living with her with kids sends me into a cold sweat.
So AIBU to think most mothers would not want to live with their own mother?

OP posts:
Nubbled · 14/01/2019 15:46

Didn’t think so .....
Wink

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 14/01/2019 15:47

No way would I live with my mother! I love her to bits but we drive each other mad.

Is your friend actually against nuclear families as a whole? It's not that she thinks (as do I) that there's too much emphasis on the nuclear family as the ideal that must be achieved at any cost regardless of unhappiness, abuse etc?

Fem2019 · 14/01/2019 15:47

Hahahaha. No.

icannotremember · 14/01/2019 15:47

I love my DM but no, that wouldn't work at all! We'd end up falling out- which would be awful as we've finally managed to develop a relationship of equals and enjoy one another's company enormously. But if we lived together long term that would all go away. She'd be bossy and I'd be sulky again within a very short time.

recently · 14/01/2019 15:48

No! I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to live with me either.

Bowlofbabelfish · 14/01/2019 15:49

What’s her rationale for being against nuclear families?

Original poster
partinor · 14/01/2019 15:49

About nuclear families - it is about the amount of abuse and just unequal division of labour that happens in many/most of them. So her argument is that rather than search for the perfect DH, we should live with our mothers. That way we get practical and emotional support and lots of help with childcare.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/01/2019 15:50

Wouldn't actually want to live with my kids either!

Bowlofbabelfish · 14/01/2019 15:51

But surely there’s abuse there as well? The mother/child was once a nuclear family too.

Now living NEAR a helpful mother or extended family - that I can get right behind. Nuclear family with extended family help ( as long as relationships are positive)

GoldenMalicious · 14/01/2019 15:51

My mum lives with us (and dad did too, until he passed away). it works well for us, for the most part, and I think there are a few things that help.

Firstly, mum is quite elderly, so she is genuinely grateful not to have to worry about where she lives - we take care of all issues for her.

Secondly, she has her own space, including her own kitchen, so we are actually quite independent of one another despite living under one roof.

Thirdly, mum is very unassuming - almost to a fault - which means she doesn't try to interfere with my family.

And finally, we bought a house specifically for the purpose of living together, which means that we were able to each put our own stamp on the property, and it came with no 'baggage' from being my parents' home, or my childhood home.

I realise that this arrangement would fill many with horror, but if you can make it work it is actually a good way to live - for financial support, giving our kids a rounded upbringing, as well as giving my parents a somewhat easier time in their old age.

SilverySurfer · 14/01/2019 15:52

Can I amend that to most 'women' as I'm not a mother? Years ago, when my DF died I moved in with my DM for a week. I returned home beaten and bruised (emotionally, not physically) and am surprised we didn't kill each other.

Lululemonade · 14/01/2019 15:53

I had to live with my dparents for a year when I had my dd (DH working abroad and our house was rented out) and I loved it. We had one argument the whole time. Am now back in my own home and a 2 hour drive away and I really miss them

CarolDanvers · 14/01/2019 15:55

How can you be against the Nuclear Family - you don't have to have it but what's there to object to?

A few things I can think of, for example It being presented as the ideal when quite often it's not in cases of abuse etc. How often do we read about women being pressured to stay in relationships because that's what everyone is comfortable with? Single parents are often looked down upon and often struggle financially and if anything goes wrong with the kids it's always blamed on it being a single parent family etc.

Nuclear families are fine but only one of many opinions, and shouldn't be pushed as the default.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/01/2019 15:55

Noway oooh no, she comes over to stay sometimes, and goes home, and that is enough for me. I love her very much, but she is too controlling for my liking. It is like having a controlling partner, dreadful, she still sees me as a 10 year old girl.

frazzledasarock · 14/01/2019 15:56

I’d end up in a padded cell or a straight forward cell if I had to share a house with my mother...

I’d be fine with my MIL tho. DP however feels family harmony lies in all parties living independent of eachother. He has agreed he would consider his mum moving to assisted living place near us when she feels she wants to (think MIL would prefer to be with us as she misses grandkids).

I come from a culture where extended family do live together. So it’s not a totally alien concept for me. However I also refuse to play martyr to anyone who treats me badly. I’ve made it clear to my mother I will not be her cater in old age. You reap what you sow.

Sephyjune · 14/01/2019 15:58

Omg I'd literally rather live with a total stranger than my own mother. Ugh. The thought horrifies me!

pisspawpatrol · 14/01/2019 15:59

God no, it was awful enough the first time round when I was a child. I recently spent three weeks with her and whilst it was nice for us both to have company, we did annoy each other.

I also lived with my grandmother in my teens for a while and that was ok, but again she drove me mad.

I couldn't wait to move out of either house and have my own rules and I relish it very much now.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 14/01/2019 16:01

I'm not a mum but I've had to move back in with my mum now I've graduated. Not a week goes by one of us isn't threatening to bury the other one under the patio!

It's also made me looks for graduate jobs FAR away

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2019 16:01

God, no WAY!

I moved out of home while I was doing a university work placement, then had to go back for my final year - I couldn't wait to get out of there again. Once you've had that taste of being your own person and being completely free to come and go with no recourse to anyone, and using all your own stuff in your own place, it's VERY difficult to go back to being in your mother's place!

When I split with my fiancé, mum suggested I move back home then - nope. Not a hope. I bought my own place and lived on my own.

My mum died a few years ago so the choice is no longer there; but even if it was, I still wouldn't.

I couldn't live with MIL either - in fact, she would be worse but in different ways.

RedPanda2 · 14/01/2019 16:03

I agree the nuclear family shouldn't be pushed as default, does the mother get a say in providing all this free childcare

TheFrequentNameChangingLady · 14/01/2019 16:03

No! No! No!

Ijumpedtheshark · 14/01/2019 16:03

I live with my mum. Absolutely love it!

ErickBroch · 14/01/2019 16:03

I am not agreeing with the person who said this in general but - I love my mum and could and have lived with her as an adult. If anything ever changed in her future I would be more than happy for her to move into mine.

cuppycakey · 14/01/2019 16:04

One of us would have killed the other within a day week.

SpringIntoSpring · 14/01/2019 16:04

I'd hate to live with my mother! She's always undermining me when I say my dc can't eat/have/do something. She smokes like a chimney despite the impact on her health. She fries everything. She's messy and disorganised.

Also, the house would have to be massive because it'd have to have room for dh & I and our 2 dc, my eldest and youngest sisters and their partners and dc (2 each, soon to be 3) and of course my mum. It would be a nightmare and I'd hate it. I wouldn't be any better off, either because when I lived at home none of my stuff, my clothes, food or money was safe from my lightfingered siblings.