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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most mothers would not want to live with their mothers?

195 replies

partinor · 14/01/2019 15:29

I really want to know if I am out of step with opinion here?
A feminist friend is very against nuclear families, and I understand her point. But when I ask her what the alternatives could be, she argues that most mothers want to and would be better off living with their own mother.
I get on fine with my mother, but the thought of living with her with kids sends me into a cold sweat.
So AIBU to think most mothers would not want to live with their own mother?

OP posts:
Hotterthanahotthing · 14/01/2019 16:29

As I've got older,and so has my mum we both wish we lived nearer to each other but no way could we live together.Not because we don't love each other but she drives me slightly nuts being a bit slower than she was in the same way I drive my dd nuts.

FrenchJunebug · 14/01/2019 16:31

Shudder. My idea of nightmare! She would be better arguing that nuclear families are not the only way to live which I agree to as a solo mum by choice.

Raspberry10 · 14/01/2019 16:32

Hell no!!! Leaving when I was 21 made me much happier!

Deadbudgie · 14/01/2019 16:34

When I was a child my grandma lived with us, my mum spent all of her time doing everything to help out grandma and neglected her kids needs. Now she’s old she expects me to do the same (although my brother lives v v near her and I don’t. She can fuck the fuck off. I’m in therapy about how this sort of matriarchal living arrangement fucked me up for life. I’d rather live in a house full of men any day

thecatsthecats · 14/01/2019 16:34

Does she think everyone's living with their partners by mistake?

Mind you, I would kind of like to work in a commune of my friends with a private bar playing only music we liked but also magically had space from each other.

cstaff · 14/01/2019 16:35

Not a chance in hell and I love my mam to bits.

About 15 years ago my brother moved back home after separating from his wife and he lasted maybe 2 months.

mamageebo · 14/01/2019 16:38

WhentheRabbitsWentWild - thank you, that's much appreciated.

ohdearmymistake - thank you too, yes, my dm had her own bedroom & en-suite plus her own little living room, so we were lucky in that respect - I think it would have been difficult if we had all had to share the same bathroom. My dm had lived on her own for a good few years and had previously had a good social life and had enjoyed her own home, but had become less active as she got older (a lot of her friends had passed away and she had various health issues) It helped that she was happy to take a "back seat" in running the home/family life - for instance if she had wanted to do her own cooking we might have been tripping over each other in the kitchen, but at that stage in her life she was more than happy to let me take over and she had a well deserved rest from it, same went for shopping, decorating, decision making etc I think the main reason it worked for us was that she was the best mum in the world!!

SushiMonster · 14/01/2019 16:41

I would have said no way from about the age of 18 though to 32 - but now I kind of think it would be nice enough living with my mum if we both had our own space (separate sitting rooms and bathrooms and bedrooms on different floors)

Grace212 · 14/01/2019 16:44

I've nothing against multi generational living

your friend seems to have a starting point that the grandmother wouldn't be working though?! Added to the practicality, it's a bizarre assumption.

Seniorschoolmum · 14/01/2019 16:47

No. It would be a disaster.

Wonkypalmtree · 14/01/2019 16:48

Nope, I can’t image anyone I know wanting to live with their kids and mum. Your friend is bonkers

MixedMaritalArts · 14/01/2019 16:51

My sister & her DH moved home to save house deposit when I was young - FUCK NO ! Maybe in a Victorian three level property with 2 separate abodes - but other than that NO it was all ‘situation’ and bugger all ‘comedy’.

LowbrowVictoriana · 14/01/2019 16:51

Er, no thanks. I left home at 18 and am now a grown up with children of my own. Why would I need to live with my mother?

What a strange notion, that this is what most mothers would want.

RomanyRoots · 14/01/2019 16:51

I would have had my mum live with us if she'd been the one left on her own, especially after everything she did for me.
As it was she went first and Dad was quite capable. It's sad that so many wouldn't but that's the way of the world now.
Saying that we would have needed our own space.

The nuclear family is just about still the norm, whether your friend likes it or not.

GreenTulips · 14/01/2019 16:53

So her argument is that rather than search for the perfect DH, we should live with our mothers

Why? Does that let the males off the hook with child rearing? Why should woman shoulder all the work? How does finance come into play?

Maybe her father was a poor example?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 14/01/2019 16:54

I would have but DH wouldn't have liked it. I'd have happily lived with her.

Pk37 · 14/01/2019 16:57

What a stupid thing to be “against”
She needs a hobby

BurpsandHustles · 14/01/2019 16:57

Yes! My mum was great fun, kind, compassionate, easy going really an absolute darling. I would have happily had her live with me but everyone needs their own space!!

herethereandeverywhere · 14/01/2019 16:57

I'm not sure I like the expectation that women will not only raise their own children but will be co-opted in to raise grand children too.

It sounds like additional stereotypical and lack of choice roles for the women whilst the men do as they please!

Pauperlil · 14/01/2019 16:59

I know two single mums who live with their kids in their house . One has two kids , the other has one child but pregnant with twins so it be 3 kids .
They are both single mums but dads still involved and see kids weekends etc .
The mums I know love living with their kids at their mums and have no issues nor their mothers. The one with two kids lives with her mother and step dad too.
It wouldn't work for me and my mother tho

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2019 17:00

She sounds like she's massively projecting there.

Also, has she considered all the women who really would not want to live with their adult daughters and be chained to their grandchildren? Confused

Pauperlil · 14/01/2019 17:01

I meant to type live with their kids in their mother house

EatShitBoswell · 14/01/2019 17:01

I would love to live with my mother!
My mother, on the other hand would definitely not 😂.
She loves me and DS to bits but whenever I've lightheartedly talked about us one day moving in together I catch a look of complete horror on her face and she quickly and politely suggests us maybe having neighbouring houses instead 😂😂😂 ...I don't know why though, we all get on like a house on fire 🤷‍♀️

MixedMaritalArts · 14/01/2019 17:03

I should add that just before her death my Mum had agreed to trial living in our house. We halted our building plans and changed to gifting her the use of a purpose built annexe that she’d be involved in designing, no rent no claim on property. Our family/growing up home was not far away. Mum could spend time there whenever she wanted to - no pressure to sell etc ( I come from a big family ) more aggro than it was worth to persue any other option. In the long game the annexe would bedesignated a teenage or guest suite. No chance it’d have moved into her property with either DH or multiple children though!

Crazybunnylady123 · 14/01/2019 17:04

No way. I am happy with my partner and our dd. I love my own space and my time with my little family. Hopefully be another little one someday.
We are pretty nuclear.Grin