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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most mothers would not want to live with their mothers?

195 replies

partinor · 14/01/2019 15:29

I really want to know if I am out of step with opinion here?
A feminist friend is very against nuclear families, and I understand her point. But when I ask her what the alternatives could be, she argues that most mothers want to and would be better off living with their own mother.
I get on fine with my mother, but the thought of living with her with kids sends me into a cold sweat.
So AIBU to think most mothers would not want to live with their own mother?

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 14/01/2019 19:46

Although, on the plus side I'd always know what Brenda who lives at 52 was up to.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 14/01/2019 19:47

FWIW I could live with my parents, I did it with 2 DC for two months when we had work done on the house (DH living with friends). When I left both DP and I said it had been quite nice.

Bunbunbunny · 14/01/2019 19:47

I’m NC with mine, couldn’t imagine anything worse. I could live with my DF but not her. Would be so stressful too draining

HisBetterHalf · 14/01/2019 19:50

No thanks, we are polar opposites

theworldistoosmall · 14/01/2019 19:54

When I used to talk to her she would bring this up. Fuck no. I would just laugh and say not a chance.

BrieAndOatcakes · 14/01/2019 19:54

I wouldn't mind living with my mum or MIL! They'd happily cook me loads of tasty food and need their own personal space so respect mine. But I'd rather live in a nuclear family with DH!

MaryBoBary · 14/01/2019 19:57

I wouldn’t want to live in the same house as any of my parents or in laws.

BUT,my mum has a flat on the side of her house which we are currently living in with our son. There is a door in our entrance hall which leads to her kitchen to connect the two. But we all have our own kitchens, bathrooms living rooms etc, so not directly living with. And this is only possible because my mum is not interfering in the slightest and enjoys her independence just as much as we do ours.

SoyDora · 14/01/2019 20:00

My mum still works full time so I’m not sure where all this childcare would be coming from?
She’d find it exhausting too... a full time job then coming home to my children wanting her to play constantly?! She’d hate it after a few days! She likes her own space.
Plus I actively chose to live with my DH, and to marry him. We’re happy as we are.

Winnie2019 · 14/01/2019 20:13

Where does your friend think that the fathers should live? Or is there purpose confined to that of sperm donor only?

Winnie2019 · 14/01/2019 20:14

Their not there.

SoyDora · 14/01/2019 20:15

And why are all the fathers of these children not expected to look after their own children?!

speakout · 14/01/2019 20:15

I live with my mother.

It's not easy.

MsAwesomeDragon · 14/01/2019 20:21

Bloody hell, NO I don't want to live with my mum. I'd much rather live alone with the kids if I split with DH than live with my mum! My dds are always welcome to come home and live with me, but I doubt they'd want to once they've left home, not unless something has gone seriously wrong with their independent lives.

3boysandabump · 14/01/2019 20:23

Absolutely not. We don't even live in the same country and that suits us both fine.

FlippinNora1 · 14/01/2019 20:31

I love my mum dearly but would struggle to live with her. She expects every day and waking hour to be productive. It’s exhausting being around her, pretending to be productive.

And if I spend more than 24 hours with her I revert to being 17 and start having arguments with her about my clothes and not putting the lid back on the toothpaste Grin My DH thinks it’s hilarious!

Strokethefurrywall · 14/01/2019 20:40

I don't think I'd be able to do it permanently but only because I'm now a mother bringing up my children the best way DH and I can.

We make the decisions for us as a family, living with my mum means we would probably both forever feel inadvertently judged if I did something differently to how my mum did it. Which wouldn't be the intention at all.

I had an awesome upbringing, my siblings and I agreed that we don't view our childhood through rose tinted specs. We were adored, cherished, had boundaries, parents who loved and respected each other and who worked as a team, a raucous large extended Asian family and wonderful family friends.

I try my best to give the same kind of upbringing to our children but circumstances and geography mean that my boys see grandparents every year or 18 months at best (physically that is, generally see on facetime 4+ times a week!)

That being said, whenever I travel back to UK by myself without the kids I bloody love it. My mum's an amazing cook and she and my dad spoil me and make me feel like a cherished 20-something again. Lots of hair stroking and random hugs. I want to always feel that.

QwertyLou · 14/01/2019 20:48

I’m clearly an outlier here. I moved back in with my parents just before my son was born (single mom). I stayed until I returned to work.

I loved it! It was amazing to have two other people who loved and doted on my baby as much as I did, and were available 24/7 to help.

I had BF issues so for three months I lay on the couch BF (trying to) while my family did everything. Three months in, I had to ask my mom how to change a (cloth) diaper as I had never done it.

My son still loves them both like parents so for us it was great.

Pernickity1 · 14/01/2019 20:49

I live hours from my family but since having DD1 (and DD2 little over a year later) my mum often comes down to stay a couple of nights a week. Even though certain things she does irritates me at times (I was chronically sleep deprived after DD2 so everyone annoyed me!) for the most part I really see what it means when people say “it takes a village”.

My life and my mood dramatically improve when she’s here, everything is easier. She is such a great help and all the pressures of motherhood are eased when you have someone to share the responsibility on a day to day basis. I know many feel that way about their DP but mine works crazy hours and just isn’t as good with the DC as my mum is.

I will forever be indebted to her, as if I was left alone and isolated while DH works crazy hours then I have no doubt I would have slipped deep into PND. I agree with your friend OP, there’s nothing like the support you get from your mum, no one comes close - she will be stopping coming down to stay so often soon and I’m dreading it!

I appreciate I’m very lucky to have that kind of mother and not everyone does so obviously it won’t be the case for everyone. My dad’s a bit of an asshole though - can’t win ‘em all Grin

MrsKiplingwasmymother · 14/01/2019 20:52

I was brought up living with my parents and grandparents (my father’s parents) My DM and her Mil adored each other and it worked well. History repeated itself when, after retirement, my parents moved in with me and my DH. We lived in a large house/business, my parents helped us run it and we had lots of space. After my DF died, we moved and built on a large annex for my DM. She lived with us for 11 years and was an absolute joy. She was a lovely person, funny, generous and a wonderful mother, grandmother and great grandmother. I miss her every day. My DH said that she enhanced our lives and we were fortunate to have her. It worked for us but my DH said he could never have lived with his DM - neither could I!

Cherrysherbet · 14/01/2019 20:55

I live with my mum....and I am going bonkers. A little bit more, every shitting day....

PhilomenaButterfly · 14/01/2019 20:56

God no. Who would hold me back from punching her?! Xmas Shock

WoollyMummoth · 14/01/2019 21:08

The very thought of having to stay even 1 night under the same roof as my mum brings me out in a cold sweat.
My gran lived with my mum and dad and me when I was little until I left for uni and it was horrific. I’m sure her complaining contributed to my parents divorce.
I just wouldn’t want history to repeat itself as I rather like my DH!

EhlanaOfElenia · 14/01/2019 21:18

I would if I lived in a world where everything was time consuming and labour intensive, no birth control and so lots of children and likely a few miscarries and stillborn children, having children at a young age, so barely grown up yourself, I can see the usefulness of intergenerational families - and you would likely have 3 generations of women in such a house.

Lots of support for woman during the many pregnancies, and learning to run a household and do jobs by example.

In a world where we have birth control, women are allowed to develop personalities and be individuals before they partner up and/or have children, where keeping a house isn't labour intensive, and they have a chance at doing work that they love and are good at, why would they??!!

BackforGood · 14/01/2019 21:29

That way we get practical and emotional support and lots of help with childcare.

eh?
Why would an older woman want to start all that malarky again ? Hmm I'm looking forward to being a grandparent, so I get all the fun parts without the sleep deprivation and lack of freedom to just be able to 'pop out' whenever I want to.
Why would a Dad want to give up his dc ? Confused

I think your friend must be bringing a bitterness from her own particular life, forgetting the fact that the overwhelming majorty of us chose our dh as our lifelong partner, and actually do share the parenting with them.

BlueJava · 14/01/2019 21:31

Love my DM - but NO WAY!!!