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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My hen do and friend.

149 replies

Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 19:11

You will probably think I am being unreasonable which is fine but this situation has left me feeling a bit disappointed with a very good friend of mine.
Maybe it's more of a help me see the good side type of thread.
So I have a very good friend. We have been there for each other through good times and bad times, we have been friends for years and see each other a lot.

She recently got married and I went on her hen do. It was in this country so no over night stay but that was probably because her family organised it and some of them point blank refuse to fly.
Without going into details I was put on the spot and asked to contribute towards the hens share, which I did. I also put towards something which I made clear I could not eat/drink. But it was my friends hen do I just did it for her sake.
As another close friend could not attend this hen do she asked if we could organise another hen do. Again I went as I am her friend.

I'm getting married soon and a hen do has been arranged for me. It is 3 nights abroard, it is a surprise so all I know are the dates and cost and that it is abroard and is not a drinking holiday.
Apparently this friend isn't coming.
I know that is here perogative.
At first she said that she would be away with her dh, fair enough. Then the date was changed and she said she would miss him too much 😕. No offence but he works all the time, to the point where she constantly moans about how they hardly ever see each other.
Now the point is the days and nights we are away are the days/nights which he works! So she would not be seeing him anyway.
It's fine it's booked and it will be a small hen do and I know I will enjoy it.

She has since said that she would have loved to come, we have been away together for overnight stays many times, but she can't afford it .

The thing is she then told me how much money her dh earns and in her own words, his boss pays him an absolute fortune 😳.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but it has just upset me as I feel it's one excuse after another.
I know her and her dh will not be away at the time of my hen do. I also can guarantee that he will be working every day of it. She then went on to show me the 2 pairs of boots, bag and dress she's bought the other day, just because she fancies them, all very expensive.

She did finish by telling g me that no matter what, she knows I'll always be there for her!

Please be gentle with your replies.

OP posts:
WeakAsIAm · 13/01/2019 19:17

Maybe she doesn't want to go, and has come up with a few excuses already.

Think you would be better having people on your hen do that actually want to be there.

If you've got people going you enjoy spending time with then fine don't worry if someone doesn't want to join in; it's her loss.

Whoareyouandwhyareyouhere · 13/01/2019 19:17

I think it would be better if she was honest with you. She just doesn't want to come!
I do think 3 nights abroad is very excessive. It probably means time off work and my annual leave entitlement is very precious and I wouldn't want to use a good chunk of it on doing something I wasn't 100% keen on.

Original poster
Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 19:21

I understand but it would only mean her taking one day off due to her hours and it's often her who asks when we are next meeting up as we are good friends, or do I thought! Who knows!

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 13/01/2019 19:23

YANBU.
Shes an arse for not just being straight with you. Those are some naff excuses.
Is her DH controlling by any chance?

Whoareyouandwhyareyouhere · 13/01/2019 19:25

You can be good friends with someone without them having to have enforced fun on your hen do.
Maybe it is her husband that is saying he doesn't want her to go but she doesn't want to say.
Trying having a conversation with her about it. Tell her you are concerned about the different excuses and would rather she was just honest with you.
Why do people insist on seconding guessing friends. If you are that close then I'm sure you can ask for an honest answer.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2019 19:25

I’d be really disappointed OP and don’t blame you for feeling upset about it Flowers

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 13/01/2019 19:27

3 nights away is too much imo, I don't think you can really compare it to 2 different evenings out where no overnight stay was involved.

Plawmawss · 13/01/2019 19:29

3 nights away?! Eek.. the price! Is that normal now? Christ

Amanduh · 13/01/2019 19:30

Sorry but i don’t think anyone not wanting/affording/etc a 3 night hen do is being unreasonable. It’s so entirely uneccessary. It’s hard to be honest when people just keep on at you. What you did for her mates re her hen isn’t her doing. yabvu

LittleLongDog · 13/01/2019 19:34

Oh love, it sounds like she doesn’t want to go.

Whereland · 13/01/2019 19:38

I do understand you feeling disappointed but I also think 3 nights abroad is a big ask. Even if she could in theory afford it it's her choice to prefer to spend that money on boots/bag/whatever rather than 3 days abroad on a hen.

Sprinkles212 · 13/01/2019 19:39

I know you're upset about this but you attending her wedding/hen do should not have been on the proviso that she would do the same for you.

Perhaps she is having some personal issues? Or has a private reason between her and her husband to not attend? Maybe they are TTC and those particular dates are important to her? Or perhaps, she loves you but just doesn't want to go.
I have some wonderful, lovely friends that I class as family but my home life is very important to me and totally my comfort zone. In your friends situation I have done the same, not gone but I have been upfront about my reasons from the word go. What I have done instead is cook a special meal for all of us girls before the hen-do, sort of like pre-hen do and we've loved it. Good food, wine and some awful game playing (Cards Against Humanity kind!) My friends love me and have understood and I in turn have made the effort for their special day in other ways.

Bottom line is if she doesn't want to go, she shouldn't have to and what their financial position is, is really nothing to do with you or anyone else.

I don't think it's worth dwelling on.

lazyarse123 · 13/01/2019 19:39

She doesn't want to go and who can blame her? So ott. Even if her dh earns megabucks they might need it for other things.

ShalomJackie · 13/01/2019 19:42

Also it really does not matter what someone else earns as you do not jnow what their outgoings might be. Personally I am not interested in any hen do more than one night away. 3 nights abroad always becomes far more expensive than anticipated when splitting bills, paying for brides share and having to for in with what other people do.

She is trying to be a nice friend by making her excuses rather than telling you straight that she'd rather stick rusty nails in her eyes

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/01/2019 19:42

Any chance of her being pregnant and hiding it/ not wanting to join the hen (drinking holiday or not) for that reason?

I think 3 days away for a hen is excessive but the chaging of reasons why would piss me off- just tell a good friend the truth

Merryoldgoat · 13/01/2019 19:42

There are none of my friends for whom I’d go on a tgeee night hen party. I love them, we have lots in common, but three nights of enforced bonding/wedding talk/getting in with people I don’t know is just too much. Plus I then need enough clothes which is hard for me depending on location.

I’m sorry but if you have a hen night which requires overnight stays you must expect some people just won’t go even if it’s not cost related.

I don’t know why people can’t just go out, get pissed and get a cab home anymore.

Original poster
Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 19:43

Well we are not having guests as such to our wedding so it won't cost her anything else if that makes sense.
She did know I was going on both because she specifically asked her relative to include me in the chat group, then she was fully aware about the second hen do so she knew and wanted two and it wasn't cheap, it's often just as cheap to go abroad than go into a major UK city but I know it's not for everybody I understand that.
She didn't go to her sisters wedding due to her ex not liking her sister which she has since confided in me she totally regrets.
I don't think her dh is controlling but obviously I don't know 100%.
He has told her he likes me and dp.
I know he does take a lot of interest in her clothes and often choses her clothes for her which I find weird but I think she likes it and he is always buying her things.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 13/01/2019 19:43

She just got married..
She doesn't want to go and leave her husband... Yes just that.
Please tell her it is OK, but would she like to go a day thing with you...
Why fall out over a weekend away... When you have years of friendship too come.

ConkerGame · 13/01/2019 19:44

YABU. If you go abroad for your hen you have to expect to get a much smaller party, as most people aren’t happy to pay the extra money and take the extra leave to hang out with people they don’t know in a place they don’t necessarily want to visit and do activities they don’t find that fun (or might not actually have the money or the leave).

I have been to lots of hens but always turn down hen invites abroad as I want to choose who I go on holiday with and where I go. Two days away somewhere in England is more than enough and more than that is asking too much of people IMO.

She isn’t being straight with you as she doesn’t think it would be polite to just say “I don’t want to go”. If she’s otherwise a good friend I think you just have to accept her choice on this one.

CandyMelts · 13/01/2019 19:46

Just because she has the money it doesn't mean she has to spend it on something she doesn't want to do, thats the risk you take with abroad hens/ weddings - less people are likely to come

Merryoldgoat · 13/01/2019 19:47

What do you mean you aren’t having guests to your wedding?

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 19:48

Maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

You aren't comparing like for like though. Hers was a night out. Yours require annual leave, flights and accommodation costs, spending money etc which is very very different.

Three days is OTT. I'd take a days annual leave for a really close relatives wedding but not for a hen do.

Not sure why you think her DHs salary is relevant tbh.

Allthewaves · 13/01/2019 19:48

I adore my best friend. I would cope fine going with her and another friend but I couldn't cope with a group situation being away for 3 days - just how I'm built so I would be making excuses too

Leeds2 · 13/01/2019 19:48

Just let her be. She doesn't want to go, for whatever reason, and is probably trying to justify that choice both to herself, and to you.

Fwiw, I wouldn't want to go on a four day hen do abroad. It wouldn't be because of money, childcare, work, partner etc, just I wouldn't want to. And I would feel bad about it, but I still wouldn't go.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/01/2019 19:48

"YABU. If you go abroad for your hen you have to expect to get a much smaller party, as most people aren’t happy to pay the extra money and take the extra leave to hang out with people they don’t know in a place they don’t necessarily want to visit and do activities they don’t find that fun (or might not actually have the money or the leave)"

This ^^