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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My hen do and friend.

149 replies

Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 19:11

You will probably think I am being unreasonable which is fine but this situation has left me feeling a bit disappointed with a very good friend of mine.
Maybe it's more of a help me see the good side type of thread.
So I have a very good friend. We have been there for each other through good times and bad times, we have been friends for years and see each other a lot.

She recently got married and I went on her hen do. It was in this country so no over night stay but that was probably because her family organised it and some of them point blank refuse to fly.
Without going into details I was put on the spot and asked to contribute towards the hens share, which I did. I also put towards something which I made clear I could not eat/drink. But it was my friends hen do I just did it for her sake.
As another close friend could not attend this hen do she asked if we could organise another hen do. Again I went as I am her friend.

I'm getting married soon and a hen do has been arranged for me. It is 3 nights abroard, it is a surprise so all I know are the dates and cost and that it is abroard and is not a drinking holiday.
Apparently this friend isn't coming.
I know that is here perogative.
At first she said that she would be away with her dh, fair enough. Then the date was changed and she said she would miss him too much 😕. No offence but he works all the time, to the point where she constantly moans about how they hardly ever see each other.
Now the point is the days and nights we are away are the days/nights which he works! So she would not be seeing him anyway.
It's fine it's booked and it will be a small hen do and I know I will enjoy it.

She has since said that she would have loved to come, we have been away together for overnight stays many times, but she can't afford it .

The thing is she then told me how much money her dh earns and in her own words, his boss pays him an absolute fortune 😳.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but it has just upset me as I feel it's one excuse after another.
I know her and her dh will not be away at the time of my hen do. I also can guarantee that he will be working every day of it. She then went on to show me the 2 pairs of boots, bag and dress she's bought the other day, just because she fancies them, all very expensive.

She did finish by telling g me that no matter what, she knows I'll always be there for her!

Please be gentle with your replies.

OP posts:
Cattus · 13/01/2019 21:49

I think there are 2 issues: what you want to do about her attitude to you regarding her hen do/s and what you want to do about your hen do. I don’t think her behaviour regarding her own do should influence what you do about yours because they’re not like for like.

  1. Her hen do - she behaved badly and had too many expectations. I would cool off the friendship a bit.
  2. Your hen do - you’re having it abroad; that’s quite a commitment from guests. It’s to be expected that some would make excuses. Accept that she’s not coming. If she did come, she might well cause you some anxiety in some way anyway.
FridgeFullOfChocolate · 13/01/2019 21:58

My friend (well her maid of honour) planned a cheap activity weekend in this country for her hen do. A few weeks before one of her oldest friends pulled out with some naff excuse. Her name was mud all weekend with the bride to be, she was pretty pissed off. About a month later the friend told her she was pregnant. The weekend of the hen do she was too early to tell people but the activities were alcohol related/physical stuff she couldnt participate in, it would have been obvious. She didn’t want to announce it on her mate’s hen do so made up an excuse to not go.

My mate felt bad when she found out.

Could your friend be pregnant?

Original poster
Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 22:00

These posts are cheering me up.
It's brought back memories of hen dos I've attended in the past.
The worst one was my ex h friend's wife. My other friend who was invited to the wedding and who we sat with at the wedding couldn't go, so the bride said I could take e someone else. I took my soon to be sil. Omg it was so boring.
We couldn't leave either as we were on a private bus in the middle of nowhere. We went to 2 pubs one had 2 other people in apart from the hen party. It was a hotel in actual fact one that specialises in beautiful weddings.
There wasn't any music, entertainment, nothing, just us and I only vaguely knew the bride!! We just sat there clutching our very expensive drinks.
Then we went to another pub and it was quiet and dark. That's it really.
Afterwards my other friend asked me all about it, I said she hadn't missed much. I felt embarrassed too for my future sil as she was expecting a great night out.

OP posts:
importantkath · 13/01/2019 22:05

Wow. You don't get to decide how she should prioritize her money or her time. If she doesn't want to come, or can't, due to commitments that you don't know about, you should just accept it. Sounds like she is trying to spare your feelings, but three days abroad for a hen is a very big ask and I think it is important for you to acknowledge that.

If she means a lot to you, then tell her it's ok.
Your DD tells you she thinks it's a poor show. So what? I doubt they have the same priorities in life. Hardly fair to judge her according to this.

YABU.

Worsethingshappen · 13/01/2019 22:07

I think YABU. I would never ask anyone to spend money and time on a 3 night trip abroad. Sorry but it’s OTT.
Don’t be offended and don’t loose your friendship.

peachgreen · 13/01/2019 22:10

It's ridiculous that you're expecting people to give up the time and money to go to a 3 day long hen do abroad when you haven't even invited them to the wedding. And your last post judging someone else's hen do is thoroughly unpleasant. Just because it wasn't to your taste doesn't mean it was bad.

SpareASquare · 13/01/2019 22:19

My dd said she thought it was a poor excuse
Nice.
Why, exactly, does she even need an excuse? And what is a reasonable one in your dds (and your) eyes?

I can see you're not listening so no point in mentioning how unreasonable you actually are. I'm cringing FOR you tbh.

SingaSong12 · 13/01/2019 22:23

Yabu
It is fine to be disappointed but not beyond that.

I think your friend is trying to find an excuse that sounds reasonable but not hurtful. There may be a myriad of reasons. A typical hen do is often very different to other holidays, is being organised by your DD not by the group of friends. Even if she has happily been away with you and the same people before she may prefer to sit this out.

The fact you attended the hen nights is irrelevant- they were completely different.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 13/01/2019 22:39

Why has your DD wound you up about this, by the way? She should be smoothing things over and trying to plan a nice time for you, not passing on info about excuses and bitching about your friends.

Lonoxo · 13/01/2019 22:47

OP, did your friend really say that she knows YOU will always be there for her? Or is it SHE will always be there for you? If it’s the former, she’s really self centred particularly when she has disappointed you. Is this really an equal friendship when you are both sharers or is she more of a taker?

I understand why you are upset because you put her feelings first and inconvenienced yourself to make sure she was happy during a big event in her life. I don’t think it’s worth losing a friendship over a hen do but I would remember this moment and next time she has an event that you don’t want to go to or is going to cost you more money than you would like to spend, be a little selfish and put yourself first.

willstarttomorrow · 13/01/2019 22:53

No offence but nobody dictates how I spend my free time, annual leave and money. Any hen night/ wedding which involves massive amounts of money and travel then hotel nights is out. Unless it is close family, which means a great get together as we are all spread about a bit, I am sorry but weddings just seem to be a massive inconvenience at my expense. The most recent I was invited to was in a church the other side of a city from me then a drive to the reception 30 miles away 2 days before xmas. Only acomodation nearby in a pub room at £150 a night. We did not go.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/01/2019 22:57

I could be wrong but if she's given you multiple excuses it sounds like it might have been a possibility that she couldn't go rather than she definitely wasn't going. If she definitely wasn't going, surely she'd have given you the first reason and then that was that.

Maybe she had a couple of things to sort out. I do this sometimes without meaning too, reasons come up, I deal with the first and then another one comes up but I do end up doing what I was going to do (hope that makes sense).

Has she said that she definitely isn't going? and when did your DD remove her from the Whatsapp group? I know it's a small thing however I've seen issues before where the person who is removed from a group has their nose put out of joint a bit. There really wasn't a need for that.

anniehm · 13/01/2019 23:01

Seems odd not to invite a friend to your wedding but think they should pay for a holiday. A night out or even one night away in the U.K. is doable but it's crazy to expect people to take annual leave for 3 nights away

anniehm · 13/01/2019 23:02

If it's just a small family wedding why have a hen do? Very odd

2isabella2 · 13/01/2019 23:12

I wouldn't go either I'm afraid - in fact I was the only adult bridesmaid for a friend who wanted a hen do abroad and I still didn't go (pre children so no childcare responsibilities). She was fine with it and we had our own night out on me another time.

gamerchick · 13/01/2019 23:20

I wouldn't go to a 3 day thing abroad for a hen do no matter how close I was to the bride.... A dry hen do at that. Are people going to be banned from drinking?

You're saving money having a wedding with no guests but then expect an OTT hen do that people have to fund themselves then they don't get attend the wedding after. You want all the extras without having to fund them

This is sorta what I thought tbh OP, even if it really isn't meant like that.

If you put yourself out for people and expect them to do the same for you then you're always going to be disappointed at some point.

HelloDarlin · 13/01/2019 23:24

Ullupullu is on the money that you haven’t actually spoken to her directly / honestly. I organized my own Hen Party, so there was no confusion.
Both of my best friends called me on the day of my wedding party (after we eloped) to say they couldn’t make it.
No hard feelings, their lives just got in the way! Don’t fall out with your friend over a Hen Party.

Claudia1980 · 13/01/2019 23:34

3 nights is too much to expect. Two nights would be fine though. I think she’s just making up excuses as to why she can’t go. It is pretty average she has given you three different reasons. Very flaky behaviour. I’d just call her on it in a nice way and see what she says. Good luck.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 13/01/2019 23:39

Yeah removing her from the Whatsapp group was petty.

explodingkitten · 13/01/2019 23:42

I love my friends but no way am I going away for three nights to party. That would be mental torture for me. I need down time every day, which you don't get with women on a hen do in a foreign place.

What's important to you? This mini vacation or spending time with all your friends? Maybe you should just put a stop to this and do a nice evening at your home.

Lizzie48 · 13/01/2019 23:42

The OP doesn't appear to be taking in the fact that the vast majority of posters are saying that she's being totally U.

EncroachingLoaf · 13/01/2019 23:54

I wouldn't be going on a three day hen do for any fucker, sorry.

You freely chose to go on hers, but she doesn't have to reciprocate. Why on earth do you think people want to spend three days, valuable annual leave and god knows how much cash to celebrate your impending wedding ... that none of them will get to witness? Grin

But your friend seems in general to be partial to a hen do, given that she had her own so granted her behaviour may be seen as a little off. It's her choice though isn't it.

Also... THREEEEE DAYS?!

BadLad · 14/01/2019 07:27

not a drinking holiday

What does this mean - no alcohol at all, or no clubbing with the purpose of getting hammered?

fiydwi · 14/01/2019 07:40

To be fair, I would never go on someone’s hen do abroad for 3 nights. I can afford it, I just don’t want to. 3 nights drinking back to back is my idea of hell.
You’re having an aboard hen do that’s up to you, but be prepared that some people won’t want to go.
She should be honest with you though x

MumW · 14/01/2019 08:12

You’re having an aboard hen do that’s up to you, but be prepared that some people won’t want to go.

You are asking a lot of commitment - cost, time, days off work, childcare issues etc.