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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My hen do and friend.

149 replies

Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 19:11

You will probably think I am being unreasonable which is fine but this situation has left me feeling a bit disappointed with a very good friend of mine.
Maybe it's more of a help me see the good side type of thread.
So I have a very good friend. We have been there for each other through good times and bad times, we have been friends for years and see each other a lot.

She recently got married and I went on her hen do. It was in this country so no over night stay but that was probably because her family organised it and some of them point blank refuse to fly.
Without going into details I was put on the spot and asked to contribute towards the hens share, which I did. I also put towards something which I made clear I could not eat/drink. But it was my friends hen do I just did it for her sake.
As another close friend could not attend this hen do she asked if we could organise another hen do. Again I went as I am her friend.

I'm getting married soon and a hen do has been arranged for me. It is 3 nights abroard, it is a surprise so all I know are the dates and cost and that it is abroard and is not a drinking holiday.
Apparently this friend isn't coming.
I know that is here perogative.
At first she said that she would be away with her dh, fair enough. Then the date was changed and she said she would miss him too much 😕. No offence but he works all the time, to the point where she constantly moans about how they hardly ever see each other.
Now the point is the days and nights we are away are the days/nights which he works! So she would not be seeing him anyway.
It's fine it's booked and it will be a small hen do and I know I will enjoy it.

She has since said that she would have loved to come, we have been away together for overnight stays many times, but she can't afford it .

The thing is she then told me how much money her dh earns and in her own words, his boss pays him an absolute fortune 😳.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but it has just upset me as I feel it's one excuse after another.
I know her and her dh will not be away at the time of my hen do. I also can guarantee that he will be working every day of it. She then went on to show me the 2 pairs of boots, bag and dress she's bought the other day, just because she fancies them, all very expensive.

She did finish by telling g me that no matter what, she knows I'll always be there for her!

Please be gentle with your replies.

OP posts:

1AngelicFruitCake · 14/01/2019 10:20

The friend doesn’t have children I think OP posted.

I assumed at first you were all in your 20s/early 30s where planning a wedding is a big thing. But this is your Second wedding, you’re older and therefore had holidays together before and she’s not even coming to your wedding (I know she didn’t come to yours). I think you should have had lower expectations about all this.

Original poster

Belindabauer · 14/01/2019 16:01

Ok I accept I'm being unreasonable, which is what I said in my original post.

I d been fine with her decision until she brought it up and then I felt disappointed but after sleeping on it I can see her point of view.

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 14/01/2019 16:04

Hen dos are a terrible idea, She doesnt want to go. End of. Neither would I.

TheBigBangRocks · 14/01/2019 18:38

The second wedding makes it even more unreasonable. OTT for a first wedding much less a second one.

Coffeebean76 · 15/01/2019 02:35

Nobody wants to do 3 nights abroad for hen weekends. That’s just the reality.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 15/01/2019 03:05

I hate hen dos, and would rather chew my own leg off than go to a 3 dayer! In my day we went out for a meal then clubbing, 3 days abroad is ridiculous!

wassock · 15/01/2019 07:03

YABU. I wouldn't go either. 3 nights abroad?? Doing 'Hen' stuff with a bunch of people I hardly know? For three whole days???? No chance! I really hate all that forced/fake jollity 😩

I'm really not understanding this at all tbh...small family wedding, no friends invited, huge OTT hen do? Doesn't make any sense to me, but each to their own I guess 🤷‍♀️

MarthasGinYard · 15/01/2019 07:54

It's a wedding with no friends invited but they are expected to pay for and attend a three day hen do....non drinking....

emilybrontescorsett · 15/01/2019 16:28

Wow.
I'm really surprised at some of the comments.
I like going away for hen dos.
I'm not into meals though, especially with people other than very close friends.

Ellisandra · 15/01/2019 16:38

You said it’s a group that she’s previously been away abroad with, yes?

Missing your husband is a pretty pathetic excuse at any age, but as you are older I’m assuming she’s 40s ish so it makes it even more pathetic.

I don’t think it’s true.

I think the reason she has money to spend on clothes but not this hen do, is because he likes to play dolly dress ups with her. I bet he’s the one that’s told her (or manipulated her) not to go.

It doesn’t sound like you know him that well. I’d be making sure I had some 1:1 time with her, and listening.

If it’s really out of the ordinary for her to miss a trip with you, definitely possible that he’s putting pressure on her.

FinnegansWhiskers · 16/01/2019 01:21

^^ only on MN!

Alternatively, and more likely, ... your friend doesn't want to pay for, and spend 3 nights abroad for the benefit of someone else.

Not many people would...

DitheringBlidiot · 16/01/2019 06:26

There’s no way I would go on a 3 night break away for a hen do, it’s excessive and unnecessary, I prolly wouldn’t want to go on a uk city break either. Holiday with my friends? You bet. Holiday with some friends and a bunch of strangers that i have to get on with for 3 days because we all know the same woman? Not on your life. Plus I couldn’t justify the cost of a jkisay I wouldn’t enjoy.

I don’t know what her husband eating lots of money has I do with it? Even in the realms of mums net where ALL MONEY IS FAMILY MONEY SURELY?!(!(!(?!?!?!? then this would be considered personal spends.

DitheringBlidiot · 16/01/2019 06:30

EARNING not eating!

freshfoodpeople · 16/01/2019 06:34

You're both unreasonable.

Her for wanting and having two hen dos.

You, for wanting a three day overseas jolly.

countrygirl99 · 16/01/2019 06:48

3 nights away on a hen would be a no from me even if it was only a fiver. Sorry, I'd just hate it.

sar302 · 16/01/2019 09:24

I think it's quite telling that her husband is buying her the expensive things, not that she's buying them with her money, or their money. Maybe he has said no to the cost if he controls the finances?
(Not saying that's right in any way! But she could be too embarrassed to say)

Auntiepatricia · 16/01/2019 09:28

Either she can’t stomach the cost OR her DH is putting pressure on her, making her feel like she can’t go.

DHs being loaded means nothing for the wife in many relationships, lots of men keep their money to themselves.

How’s her relationship do you think? It sounds like she’s uncomfortable about not going as she keeps making excuses which makes me think the real reason might be DH pressure.

RainbowWaffles · 16/01/2019 09:42

Honestly, I would also be annoyed if I was you. She had made a stream of rubbish excuses and I would expect a good friend to attend such an event, I would also make an effort to attend. Yes, she is entitled to say no and you can’t make a fuss about it without looking silly yourself so you just have to let it go. So secretly, yes be annoyed for a bit but you have to rationalize it and let it go. I sure wouldn’t put myself out for her in the future though.

KellyanneConway · 16/01/2019 09:50

Like allthewaves, I wouldn't want to go either, I'm introverted and although I enjoy a good night out it would exhaust me to go away for three nights with a group of people I hardly knew. Just close friends, who understand I might need to do my own thing for a few hours, then I would be full of enthusiasm but a ram-packed three days with virtual strangers, I would much rather stay home. Is your friend kind of similar?

goingonabearhunt1 · 16/01/2019 10:15

Does she have any kind of social anxiety or shyness issues? Because some people might find 3 nights away with a big group quite intimidating. Although I assume you would have mentioned if that was the case. Or maybe she has a private reason for not going, seems weird she can't just tell you why if she's your BF though.

Original poster

Belindabauer · 16/01/2019 16:54

Ok I thought I'd been clear that this is a hen do with intimate friends, all of whom my friend knows very well. She has known my dc all their lives. Our dcs are friends. We have been away before and shared a bed, never mind a room! She has shared a room ( and a bed) with my other friends too.The only person going whom she doesn't know exceptionally well is dd1s best friend who is also going, but even then she does know her and knows all about her.

I really can't understand posters saying they would hate to go away with very close friends, we have been through a lot together. She has been invited for Christmas lunch at my dd1s when her dh was working. She was invited to my other friends, with whom she has shared a double bed on another occasion when her dh was working, I was already going with so to my friends.

I have not said alcohol is not allowed!!!
I have tried to say that nobody will know it is a hen party as we will be doing things we enjoy. We are friends and enjoy the same things.
It isn't some random women going away getting drunk.

We don't have dependant children, we are past all that.
I doubt very much that her dh keeps all his money to himself , they are a relatively new couple and there is no way she would stand for him working all the time without gaining the benefit of it.

She won't be using any of her annual leave that she would spend with her dh. I have repeatedly said he chooses to work all the time. He does not take much annual leave. That is his choice and therefore they BOTH benefit from this.
My friend would not stand for it othetwise, I know her too well.
I think she did/does feel a bit guilty and that is the reason she mentioned it to me.

Anyway all is well.

OP posts:

SilverySurfer · 16/01/2019 20:59

She may be able to spare the annual leave and afford to pay for three days abroad but it doesn't mean that she wants to.

I've known my best friend 54 years this year. We have been through good and bad times together. However, if she asked me to go abroad for three days for a stag party, my answer would be no. I wouldn't want to be stuck with a group of women 24/7, I may have shared a bed/room with her in the past but I don't want to now and that goes doubly for sharing with your other friends, whether I knew them or not..

To top it all off she isn't even invited to your wedding!

buckeejit · 16/01/2019 21:25

If you're that close I don't understand why you don't ask her directly what's going on, (but obviously preface it by letting her know that she's under no obligation

buckeejit · 16/01/2019 21:25

If you're that close I don't understand why you don't ask her directly what's going on, (but obviously preface it by letting her know that she's under no obligation & you're asking out of curiousity, not anger)

Stop being resentful of what you paid on her side's hen do & let it go. It's not her fault & if she's wel off she probably doesn't realise. She doesn't sound too intuitive

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