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AIBU?

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Original poster

My hen do and friend.

149 replies

Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 19:11

You will probably think I am being unreasonable which is fine but this situation has left me feeling a bit disappointed with a very good friend of mine.
Maybe it's more of a help me see the good side type of thread.
So I have a very good friend. We have been there for each other through good times and bad times, we have been friends for years and see each other a lot.

She recently got married and I went on her hen do. It was in this country so no over night stay but that was probably because her family organised it and some of them point blank refuse to fly.
Without going into details I was put on the spot and asked to contribute towards the hens share, which I did. I also put towards something which I made clear I could not eat/drink. But it was my friends hen do I just did it for her sake.
As another close friend could not attend this hen do she asked if we could organise another hen do. Again I went as I am her friend.

I'm getting married soon and a hen do has been arranged for me. It is 3 nights abroard, it is a surprise so all I know are the dates and cost and that it is abroard and is not a drinking holiday.
Apparently this friend isn't coming.
I know that is here perogative.
At first she said that she would be away with her dh, fair enough. Then the date was changed and she said she would miss him too much 😕. No offence but he works all the time, to the point where she constantly moans about how they hardly ever see each other.
Now the point is the days and nights we are away are the days/nights which he works! So she would not be seeing him anyway.
It's fine it's booked and it will be a small hen do and I know I will enjoy it.

She has since said that she would have loved to come, we have been away together for overnight stays many times, but she can't afford it .

The thing is she then told me how much money her dh earns and in her own words, his boss pays him an absolute fortune 😳.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but it has just upset me as I feel it's one excuse after another.
I know her and her dh will not be away at the time of my hen do. I also can guarantee that he will be working every day of it. She then went on to show me the 2 pairs of boots, bag and dress she's bought the other day, just because she fancies them, all very expensive.

She did finish by telling g me that no matter what, she knows I'll always be there for her!

Please be gentle with your replies.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 13/01/2019 19:49

I think having a 3 nights abroad hen do and expecting people to come is WAY worse than someone actually not wanting to go. I know it's the 'done' thing now but it's so fucking excessive and OTT as well as being self indulgent and totally selfish if there is ANY expectation that people be there.
Doesn't matter why she isn't going, it's probably quite tiring trying to come up with an excuse you'll accept, she just isn't and I don't understand why that is an issue at all. No need for any of the previous stuff because there is no comparison really

theworldistoosmall · 13/01/2019 19:49

3 nights? I wouldn't be going either.

Does she fly? Could be she has a phobia or something.
Could be financial reasons even though he's got a well-paid job. Could still be paying for their recent wedding. Yes, there could be finances to pay for boots and stuff (Christmas she could have been given vouchers), but not enough to stretch for a 4 day break.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 13/01/2019 19:49

I wouldn’t go on a three night hen do no matter how good a friend it was.

It’s a huge ask OP. Cost, time, prolonged close proximity to other people who you aren’t married to! Ugh no thanks

ShalomJackie · 13/01/2019 19:49

Do you mean she isn't even invited tonyour wedding and can't understand why she doesn't want to fork out for a trip abroad? Confused

Pachyderm1 · 13/01/2019 19:50

I think you are being slightly unreasonable because 3 nights abroad is such an expense and commitment. On that basis I don’t think it’s ever fair to moan about someone not attending this kind of hen, regardless of what you think you know about their circumstances.

That said, YANBU to be annoyed at all the shifting circumstances. She could have been straight with you instead of making umpteen different excuses.

Sprinkles212 · 13/01/2019 19:51

You've made a lot of assumptions regarding her husband here. Just because he takes an interest in her clothing or buys her things does not making him controlling.

I am 5ft nothing and my other half is 6ft 3! I OFTEN buy/choose his clothes because there are certain things he just looks so damn good in (suits for example!) it does not mean I control him or vice versa when he picks out dresses for me.

YahBasic · 13/01/2019 19:51

To be fair, I wouldn’t pay for 3 nights for a hen do abroad when I wasn’t invited to the actual wedding.

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 19:51

So she's not even invited to your wedding yet you're the one upset she won't fork out for your hen do?

theworldistoosmall · 13/01/2019 19:52

I missed the bit about the wedding.

I wouldn't go for this alone. Good enough to spend a ridiculous amount but not good enough to be invited to see you get married.

Doobigetta · 13/01/2019 19:53

You said her husband earns a lot- not that she does. Not all couples automatically pool all their money, and it isn’t a black and white “if he won’t sub her for a three night hen do abroad then he’s a controlling arsehole” situation. The most likely scenario is that she can’t afford it, but she doesn’t want to say so, hence the lame excuses. And her having recently splashed out on a load of new clothes makes that more likely to be true, not less. It might be disappointing that she prioritised her shopping spree over your hen do, but she probably just didn’t think that far ahead. That makes her crap with money rather than necessarily a crap friend. Don’t make it worse by piling on a guilt trip over your (to be honest) OTT hen do.

abcdema · 13/01/2019 19:53

She's not BU for not coming, it's an optional event and it does sound like more effort would be needed from guests than was needed for her, but it just sounds like she doesn't want to come and can't even think of a semi decent excuse- so I do understand why you are upset.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 13/01/2019 19:54

I hate the pressure of hen dos and how ridiculously big they’ve become. There’s no way I would sacrifice the time, vacation days from work and money to go on a 3 day hen do abroad, so I have sympathy with your friend. However, I do understand you being disappointed.

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 19:57

theworldistoosmall, I don't think the op meant it the way you have taken it. She is probably having a very small, family wedding - quite sensible imo.

In my day we didn't go away for hen do's, might have gone out for a meal or to the pub :-). Everything is so extravagant now.

LokiBear · 13/01/2019 19:57

I would imagine she is either pregnant or hoping to be pregnant and doesnt want to commit. It doesnt always seem fair, a d it may not be obvious as to the reasons why, but it is okay for people to say no to things they don't want to do. Im not going to my cousins hen (we are close) because it is too expensive. She may well look at the fact we are going to Florida with my parents and the fact that dh and I earn good salaries and wonder how it could be possible that I cant afford it and feel a bit miffed. I understand that, and, truthfully, I probably could stretch to it. But it would mean making other sacrifices that I don't want to have to make for something I think is completely frivolous. Plus, the only reason we are going to Florida is because my dad has been diagnosed with Chronic Lympatic Lukemia and desperately wants to do something amazing whilst he is well enough. My parents are paying for our accommodation, my kids flights and park tickets, so dh and I are only paying for our flights and park tickets. Even then, we are both doing extra jobs to help pay for it (exam marking). I don't want to pay £350- £400 for a hen do when I have other stuff going on that takes priority. I would imagine your friend feels the same.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 13/01/2019 19:58

Maybe it’s room sharing putting her off. I’m not keen on the thought of it myself although I don’t mind when I actually do it.
She a snorer?

Maybe she can’t see the point if she isn’t invited to the wedding. It’s a bit odd to have a holiday for a wedding no one is invited to,

Yutes · 13/01/2019 19:58

She just got married..
She doesn't want to go and leave her husband... Yes just that.
Please tell her it is OK, but would she like to go a day thing with you...
Why fall out over a weekend away... When you have years of friendship to come.

This.

As PP said. It is not “like for like” as far as hen parties go. There is so much falling out and fuss over hen dos and weddings. Don’t lose a friendship over a few days.

Ihuntmonsters · 13/01/2019 20:00

I think it's most likely that either the activity or the group are the reason why your friend doesn't want to come and she is giving you excuses because she can't discuss the hen itself as it is supposed to be a surprise. She might also be upset about not being invited to the actual wedding (which I assume is a witnesses only event) but feels she can't talk about that.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/01/2019 20:00

She doesn't sound like a good friend to me - I would be distancing myself. Its clearly all about her!

FinnegansWhiskers · 13/01/2019 20:00

I don't get why people expect friends and family to stump up for 3 nights abroad for someone's hen party. And then start whinging when people say they don't want to go.

I'm all for a good night out for a hen night, but no way would I pay to go abroad for a few days for someone else's benefit, even if I was loaded. Its not just the cost. Being stuck with a group of people, I barely know, for 4 days and 3 nights is not my thing.

Travisandthemonkey · 13/01/2019 20:01

She just sounds like a nob
If your best friend has a hen do and you can afford it. You go. If you can’t, you say I can’t afford it, but you have to be honest about that but.

Serialweightwatcher · 13/01/2019 20:02

3 nights away is a long time and maybe there is something she's uncomfortable about - maybe he makes her feel this way, maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable being away from home for that long, but whatever it is, doesn't mean she's not your good friend, it just means it doesn't suit her and I do think it's asking a lot. I wouldn't do it personally

Mummyshark2018 · 13/01/2019 20:03

I would be annoyed if it was one if my best friends, unless there was a legitimate logistical/ financial difficulty (e.g. kids, time off work, no money). It would annoy me if I saw a friend spending on non essentials (their perogative of course) but then saying they couldn't afford it wouldn't make me feel valued. Some might think 3 nights away is excessive but it depends what is the norm in your family /friends circle. FWIW I love a hen do, and any excuse to get a few days away on my own! In my circle everyone has had an overseas hen, unless they were having an overseas wedding. And you are right we have a few times costed up more local hotels and with the cost here it is often cheaper to go abroad.

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 20:03

She doesn't sound like a good friend to me

Clearly not given she's only good enough to be expected to attend the hen do and not the wedding. Who has a hen do then doesn't invite the same people to the wedding?

Combineharvester · 13/01/2019 20:09

I’d be disappointed if I were you.
I’d also not want to go if someone invited me on a three day non drinking hen do! Wink
Thing with your friend is that she’s made clumsy excuses. She claimed the dates didn’t work, and then it got moved. She said she’d miss her husband (😏) but forgot you knew he’d be working. She told you she doesn’t have the money, but had bragged about her husband’s earnings and shown you all her new clothes and shoes.
All rather awkward but hey, she’s made her attempts to get out of it so I guess she doesn’t want to go!
Hope you have a good time anyway

junebirthdaygirl · 13/01/2019 20:10

I think she is offended she isn't invited to your wedding. What is that all about?
I would have thought only women going to your wedding would go along on a hen weekend. If it was out to dinner l wouldn't mind not going to a wedding but 3 days abroad..is this for real?