My hen do and friend.

[Belindabauer]

You will probably think I am being unreasonable which is fine but this situation has left me feeling a bit disappointed with a very good friend of mine.
Maybe it's more of a help me see the good side type of thread.
So I have a very good friend. We have been there for each other through good times and bad times, we have been friends for years and see each other a lot.

She recently got married and I went on her hen do. It was in this country so no over night stay but that was probably because her family organised it and some of them point blank refuse to fly.
Without going into details I was put on the spot and asked to contribute towards the hens share, which I did. I also put towards something which I made clear I could not eat/drink. But it was my friends hen do I just did it for her sake.
As another close friend could not attend this hen do she asked if we could organise another hen do. Again I went as I am her friend.

I'm getting married soon and a hen do has been arranged for me. It is 3 nights abroard, it is a surprise so all I know are the dates and cost and that it is abroard and is not a drinking holiday.
Apparently this friend isn't coming.
I know that is here perogative.
At first she said that she would be away with her dh, fair enough. Then the date was changed and she said she would miss him too much 😕. No offence but he works all the time, to the point where she constantly moans about how they hardly ever see each other.
Now the point is the days and nights we are away are the days/nights which he works! So she would not be seeing him anyway.
It's fine it's booked and it will be a small hen do and I know I will enjoy it.

She has since said that she would have loved to come, we have been away together for overnight stays many times, but she can't afford it .

The thing is she then told me how much money her dh earns and in her own words, his boss pays him an absolute fortune 😳.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but it has just upset me as I feel it's one excuse after another.
I know her and her dh will not be away at the time of my hen do. I also can guarantee that he will be working every day of it. She then went on to show me the 2 pairs of boots, bag and dress she's bought the other day, just because she fancies them, all very expensive.

She did finish by telling g me that no matter what, she knows I'll always be there for her!

Please be gentle with your replies.

She could be ill/receiving medical treatment.

Her DH could be ill/receiving medical treatment.

She might not be able to take time off work.

She might not want to go away with that particular group of women.

There are loads of absolutely legitimate reasons for her to decline, including just not wanting to go on a three day hen do.

It wouldn’t matter how much I loved you, I’d do pretty much anything to avoid a three day hen do abroad.

And two local nights out for her is no where near an equivalent.

My point still stands: I don’t understand inviting people to a hen do when they’re not invited to the wedding!

So that goes for both of you.

I married much later than most of my friends, and I’ve noticed a pattern that once each of them got hitched and had their own Hen Party / Wedding / Honeymoon, then they had zero interest in the next friend’s whole shebang.
Whether kids, mortgage, work, husband, it was a case of been there, done that. Moved on. Your mate might be in this space right now. It does seem unfair, but it’s something I just noticed.

I would feel disappointed with her after all the effort you put in for her. Maybe it is not her thing, or she doesen't really want to go.

It does seem odd to have a three day hen do abroad and then a private wedding to me. I would much rather see a friend get married than attend a hen holiday.

The changing of reasons would annoy me - I have a friend who does this. On numerous occasions I have asked to meet up with her (I’m willing to do the majority of the travelling) and she’ll say “Oh, DD has a party” - she has a DP who would take/collect the child. When we did finally meet up she said “Yeah, sorry about the other week, DS had swimming and he prefers if I take him.” I don’t really mind, but wish she’d just say “I can’t do that day” instead of blatantly making stuff up.

However, when people say “It’s just as cheap to go abroad as the UK”, it depends. Travel and hotels can be as cheap/cheaper but a few years ago I went abroad for a friends hen. Flights and hotel was less than £200 but then there were meals/taxis/coffee stops/tourist buses. It was a long time ago now but I bet the two nights and two days cost me between £300-£400 which some people just can’t/don’t want to spend.

I didn't see the bit about not going to the wedding either .... don't blame her for not going on the hen do and people who say she's not a real friend blah blah blah are as potty as you are in that case

I would rather put my feel in boiling oil than go abroad for three days for a hen do, especially if I wasn't even invited to the wedding.

Maybe she doesn't have a few hundred pounds to waste if she recently got married?

If my best friend was having a 3-night hen do abroad, I would go. I could probably afford it, I’m quite independent and often travel away from my partner, and I like trips abroad.

If I was having that hen do, she wouldn’t come. She doesn’t have a lot of disposable income, she hates being away from her partner for just one night and she just doesn’t like travelling.

(We’re both married anyway so these are purely hypothetical of course)

The point is, different people react to these trips abroad differently, and it doesn’t mean she likes you any less. I’m willing to bet she either can’t afford it but was trying to avoid telling you (a big income doesn’t necessarily equal lots of spare cash), or she just doesn’t want to come because it’s not her thing.

I understand why you’re disappointed but it’s not a reflection on you or your friendship

OP No one is flaming you for having a small family only wedding. Perfectly fine and I hope you have a lovely day. It’s more the wanting a small wedding and a big hen do. It comes across to some people as you not wanting to spend money on hosting them at your wedding but wanting them to spend money on coming to your hen do.

I HATE hen dos but will always try to go if I can to support the bride. I probably wouldn’t go if not invited to the wedding.

YABU

The fact that you contributed to a part of her hen do is irrelevant. She didn't ask you to do that, her family who organised it did, and you chose to agree at that time. Yes it's shit you were put on the spot but that's not her fault.

Yes she's your friend but how close is she to the other people going? 3 nights is a long time to spend with people you have to make effort with because you are not close friends to them all. I'm a very social person but I found going to centreparcs for 2 nights for my best friends hen do a nightmare and was fed up of fake smiling by the end of it, everyone was lovely but it's a long time to have to "have fun".

It doesn't matter what her husband earns, everyone lives to their means so just because he earns lots doesn't mean they have spare cash, or that she has easy access to his wages.

I think have a nice few days away on your hen do, and if you want to, have another local one that is one day or evening for other people to come to. Certainly do ruin your friendship over it, and if you do, it wasn't much of a friendship anyway.

A small wedding is perfectly fine. It's the hen do not matching up that's the issue.

You're saving money having a wedding with no guests but then expect an OTT hen do that people have to fund themselves then they don't get attend the wedding after. You want all the extras without having to fund them.

It really doesn't matter what her husband earns and how much money they have.

I could have all the money in the world and I still wouldn't want to go.

In my day, a hen do was a night out clubbing and a taxi home. Suited me fine.

My first away hen do was five women for 2 nights in a hotel in the U.K. First night was a meal with all her female relatives. Dull, not my sort of people, but it was ok, really.

Next day we had a decent lunch followed by an open-top bus city tour. In winter. With a hangover (drinking having been the only way to get through the previous night).

Then the real hen do! I was looking forward to it, and had checked out all the likely clubs in the city, plus some pre- and post-club venues. Bound to be something they fancy, I thought. I thought wrong.

After much discussion, we ended up in Pizza Hut. It was empty, obviously. Who the fuck goes to Pizza Hut on a Saturday night in one of the world’s renowned party cities? Then a pub for a few drinks, then back to the hotel.

This was when I made a big mistake. The hen was keen for us all to bunk up together in 2 rooms, to make it ‘cosier’. I politely refused and booked my own room, which on inspection was quite big and quite pleasant. So the whole fucking lot of them trooped into my room for ‘a few drinks’.

Two of them were amateur drinkers and, once a few bottles of wine had disappeared, got pissed and maudlin, and gave us a full rundown on their poverty-stricken and abusive childhoods. Gnawing my own leg off was an option I actively considered. It was dreadful.

I eventually managed to get rid of them, left the hotel and went into a gay bar across the road where I had a lovely time and a few more drinks with some really nice people. (Not that it’s relevant, but I’m straight and have kids.)

I appreciate the forbearance of anyone who’s got this far. The moral of the tale is: don’t sign up for a weekend away with anyone other than people you know really well, and who share your ideas on what constitutes a good night out. And if you’re the bride, don’t hassle people who refuse to take the risk.

OP I think you're getting a hard time on here. People obviously aren't reading all of your posts. They are projecting the fact they wouldn't want to be doing the three day hen do.
There may be many many reasons why she won't go. But maybe she's just a selfish cah who's had her 'do's' and doesn't give a fuck about anyone elses.

If my friend was having an extravagant hen do abroad and an intimate wedding, I probably wouldn't go either tbh.

I don't like hen dos abroad, having to take time off work, faffing about with flights etc all for 3 days....no thanks! Even if I could easily afford it...

Maybe it's just not her kind of thing....

Yabu. Three days abroad is alot to ask in time off money and tbh to a newly wed bride leaving dh. She doesnt have to go. Why not do a meal out locally like everyone i know apart from mn.

I think it's asking a lot of your guests to pay for a 3 day trip abroad (money & time) I understand why she has declined.

Is she not invited to your wedding? If she isn't then that's even more reason to give the hen weekend a miss.

Try not take it personally.

To tell you the truth I don’t agree with hen parties. They are bitchy expensive and people expect too much from others.
It’s not what committing to your partner is about. Just be thankful people are taking time and effort out of there lives to join you on your special day don’t expect anymore it causes people stress and resentment on both sides.

The fact that you contributed to a part of her hen do is irrelevant. She didn't ask you to do that, her family who organised it did, and you chose to agree at that time. Yes it's shit you were put on the spot but that's not her fault.

Exactly!

Also, is it just the usual group of friends who were invited on the hen do or are others coming too? What about your daughter?

It's not really a hen do, is it? You're having a private wedding, you're all older... It's a holiday with some friends and she's entitled not to go if she doesn't want to. She's only making up different excuses because she's being hounded, and because 'God no that sounds horrendous' isn't socially acceptable.

Also... since you only know the dates and presumably she knows where you are going and what you are doing, maybe you should be concerned about the fact she doesn't want to go and have a word with your DD about what she's actually declined...

try reading the threadyu might find out

I agree with PPs that your friend doesn't want to go and is digging for excuses that she hopes won't offend you. A hen do that consists of 3 nights away is excessive, especially since you're not inviting them to the wedding anyway.

Your updates suggest you haven't spoken to her directly about your hen do at all, this is all hearsay via your DD?

Does she understand that she is invited to the hen do and not the wedding? Does she know that the hen do abroad is the only "celebration" she can attend?

If I were to use my money and annual leave to go abroad, no offense but it would be with my family and to unwind. Not to go partying. She might have the money but there is a big difference between asking someone to cough up £20 to pay for the bride's meal and a hen pottery class than asking them to cough up several hundred plus future holiday time to spend celebrating your wedding. Your wedding should be the celebration of your marriage, not your hen. You've chosen to forgo this, which is your prerogative.

Also, if she works hard for her money, she has earnt the right to spend it on herself. So it doesn't matter if she bought a dress or a new car really.