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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My hen do and friend.

149 replies

Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 19:11

You will probably think I am being unreasonable which is fine but this situation has left me feeling a bit disappointed with a very good friend of mine.
Maybe it's more of a help me see the good side type of thread.
So I have a very good friend. We have been there for each other through good times and bad times, we have been friends for years and see each other a lot.

She recently got married and I went on her hen do. It was in this country so no over night stay but that was probably because her family organised it and some of them point blank refuse to fly.
Without going into details I was put on the spot and asked to contribute towards the hens share, which I did. I also put towards something which I made clear I could not eat/drink. But it was my friends hen do I just did it for her sake.
As another close friend could not attend this hen do she asked if we could organise another hen do. Again I went as I am her friend.

I'm getting married soon and a hen do has been arranged for me. It is 3 nights abroard, it is a surprise so all I know are the dates and cost and that it is abroard and is not a drinking holiday.
Apparently this friend isn't coming.
I know that is here perogative.
At first she said that she would be away with her dh, fair enough. Then the date was changed and she said she would miss him too much 😕. No offence but he works all the time, to the point where she constantly moans about how they hardly ever see each other.
Now the point is the days and nights we are away are the days/nights which he works! So she would not be seeing him anyway.
It's fine it's booked and it will be a small hen do and I know I will enjoy it.

She has since said that she would have loved to come, we have been away together for overnight stays many times, but she can't afford it .

The thing is she then told me how much money her dh earns and in her own words, his boss pays him an absolute fortune 😳.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but it has just upset me as I feel it's one excuse after another.
I know her and her dh will not be away at the time of my hen do. I also can guarantee that he will be working every day of it. She then went on to show me the 2 pairs of boots, bag and dress she's bought the other day, just because she fancies them, all very expensive.

She did finish by telling g me that no matter what, she knows I'll always be there for her!

Please be gentle with your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 20:12

Just to be clear. We are not having any friends at our wedding, only immediate family therefore there is no pressure on anyone to attend the wedding.
In all fairness both dp and I were quite willing to go away and get married, alone just the two of us as neither of us wants any fuss.
It was our dc who said they wanted to come and do they are.
My dd then asked if she could please organise my hen do and could we please go abroard, again fine by me. It isn't that expensive as dd has found a savvy deal being all technical as younger people are!
She then asked for my closet friends and the ones who I thought would /might go and she set up the obligatory chat group ( without me in it of course).
She then told me what my friend had said and told me she had removed her from the chat group because obviously she's not going.

Work friends have asked if I'm having a hen do and I've told them the truth.

I haven't mentioned the hen do to my friend, she asked me how our wedding plans are going and then when my hen do was.

We weren't invited to her wedding, not that that matters at all.
The only reason I mentioned her dh choosing her clothes was in response to posters who asked if he was controlling and I replied that I don't think he is.

We do all get on really well btw and I'm not going to fall out with her or anybody else over this.
Thanks again for the replies.

OP posts:
BadlyArrangedToasties · 13/01/2019 20:14

Could be numerous reasons why. She could be TTC and those dates will be important, or pregnant or expecting to be pregnant, she might not be able to afford it - boots and clothes are a far cry from 4 days abroad in terms of expense. Maybe they are saving up. You don’t know what their outgoings are. Maybe she can’t do the act out but can’t tell you as it would ruin the surprise. Bungee jump experience when she is pregnant or terrified of heights etc. But - 3 nights is a big ask. Spending your annual leave with people you don know. They whole hen thing abroad is not everyone’s style. It’s not like for like. And you don’t go to people’s events just so they attend yours. That seems really petty. Don’t ruin the friendship over this.

BadlyArrangedToasties · 13/01/2019 20:15

Can’t do the activities that should sayHmm

Drum2018 · 13/01/2019 20:16

A hen party abroad is just too much - what's wrong with a night out near home? Not one of my friends or family had a hen party abroad. I didn't even go to the ones here that were more expensive - 2 night hotel stay with activities - as I simply couldn't justify the cost. But most were a one night hotel stay. I'd let it go. She's not going and that's the end of it. She really doesn't need to explain herself.

FlipF · 13/01/2019 20:18

YABU.
You spending money on her hen do was your choice. If you didn’t want to then you were daft. Personally I wouldn’t want to go on a three night hen do overseas even if it was for a very close friend. I wouldn’t enjoy it.
I also think you are making a mistake if you think you deserve her to give you the honest reason she doesn’t want to go. Maybe it’s something you wouldn’t like! Perhaps she doesn’t like your other friends or perhaps she hates the destination. Also honesty goes both ways. Are you going to be honest with her over the fact you are mad at her and that you are cross that you spent money on her hens?? 🤔.

Perhaps she is feeling hurt that you prefer to book a three night overseas hen rather than one that is more convenient and inexpensive for her. Just as you are feeling slighted perhaps she is too.
I know it’s a lame Mumsnet thing but invitations are really just that.

One way to deal with this is to be angry and upset another would be to tell her not to worry and suggest a time to get together with her for a mini hen night with just the two of you.

Travisandthemonkey · 13/01/2019 20:18

I get it op
I would have said it’s more of a nice weekend away with close friends somewhere abroad, and the secondary is to celebrate you getting married.
If you’re all older then that sounds totally fine.
But she could have just been honest that it’s not up her street.

LordNibbler · 13/01/2019 20:19

i must be the only person here who think it's pretty shitty you went to her TWO hen do's and all she can do is offer up poor excuses about not attending yours.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2019 20:19

You have to expect a certain number of people to decline especially as it is abroad and for a few days.

GabsAlot · 13/01/2019 20:22

im with lord-she cant even come up with a decent excuse let alone make an effort

you all sound a bit older no offence so hopefuly it wont come between you

Balaboosteh · 13/01/2019 20:22

She doesn’t want to go. It’s simple.

Merryoldgoat · 13/01/2019 20:25

This is truly bizarre:

You don’t want a fuss but you’re having a hen do abroad for three days.

You’re supposedly close friends, enough you’re upset she’s not coming to your hen, but you’re not close enough to go to one another’s wedding.

Sorry. It’s all just strange.

cuppycakey · 13/01/2019 20:34

3 days away is quite a lot, especially if she is TTC and is worried she won't be able to go or will be feeling sick/unable to drink.

Maybe she doesn't like someone else who is going and doesn't want to tell you ( I have avoided events for that kind of reason)

I would just let it go.

Original poster
Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 20:36

Travisandthemonkey yes that is exactly it.
We have been away, many times and it has involved the exact small group of friends who are going on the hen do.
We are not young, there is no pregnancy, no dependant children, she only has herself and dh, who will be working to think about.
I'm not expecting her to come to my wedding and besides I know for a fact her dh will be working!
He works all the time but has told me he likes the money and that is 100% his choice. I've also gently reminded her about this when she has moaned about having to spend important times alone because he is working.
She is always welcome to come to my house we have always been there for each other.
Going away has never been an issue in the past but maybe she feels differently know that she is married.
To be clear though, I have given up more time away from my dp for her hen dos than she would have to for mine even though it is longer iyswim.
I went on the second one because it was only 4 of us and one of the others confided in me that she would not be going, she did not tell the hen though until the day, so if I dropped out that meant it would just have been her and one other friend!
Yes I could have turned around and said I don't want to come. I want to be with my dp on our day off or I can't afford it or insert any other reason but I am not that type of person.

OP posts:
Silvercatowner · 13/01/2019 20:37

A three day hen do?? I'd rather stick very sharp things in my eyes.

Original poster
Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 20:39

Gabsalot no offence taken, we are older!

OP posts:
loulou0987 · 13/01/2019 20:41

How much is the hen do going to cost her? I would not spend £100s on a hen do for a wedding I wasn’t invited to!

underneaththeash · 13/01/2019 20:41

We also have plenty of money, I go away from children/DH once a year at least too. But overseas hen nights with people I don't all know very well are really not my thing. I just don't enjoy them and I always turn them down with a excuse.

ZatS1ma · 13/01/2019 20:42

I love a night out/trips away with friends as much as the next person but my heart sinks when I get invited on an overseas hen do.

What are the ‘activities’ out of interest?

ballsdeep · 13/01/2019 20:43

It's like getting marred abroad, don't be surprised of people cant/don't come. I think it's a piss take for people to expect others to pay for three nights away.

Travisandthemonkey · 13/01/2019 20:43

Op just said it’s the same group of older 4 women who have been away many times

Even if I wasn’t going to a wedding I would see it as a lovely chance to catch up with good friends.

BruceAndNosh · 13/01/2019 20:46

Three nights abroad is totally unreasonable for a hen do.
If that's your hen do, you have no right to be annoyed if people don't come, regardless of how much they earn.

Mummyshark2018 · 13/01/2019 20:52

Having seen your update I'm a bit 🤔. You say she's a good friend but she's not invited to your wedding and you weren't invited to hers! That is strange. Why are you not having your best friend there? If it's money on your part I would be pissed off that you could afford a 3 day hen do but couldn't stretch to invite her your wedding??

Awrite · 13/01/2019 20:53

I wouldn't go on a 3 day hen weekend abroad.

I think you have very cleverly painted your friend in a bad light but without knowing her reasons, it is still unreasonable to expect friends to attend a 3 day hen weekend abroad.

Therefore you are the unreasonable one.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2019 20:53

I don’t understand inviting people to a hen do when they’re not invited to the wedding!

Is she hurt about that as you’re supposed to be so close?

Original poster
Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 20:53

I wish people would read the thread!
I wasn't invited to her wedding and I didn't use that as an excuse.
We are having our dc at our wedding and that is it!
Jesus you get flamed on here for having a large or extravagant wedding, now I'm being flamed for having a simple, private ceremony!!!

And again my dd has organised the hen do not me and no I don't want to go for a meal as that is an every day occurance. Not to offend anyone but it is.
I also do not want to go out drinking either so my dd had arranged to go abroad.
Nobody will be paying for anything else other than the hen do. No wedding costs what so ever. Nobody is having to pay for my costs either, unlike at my friends where her family asked me to pay for her and they did this whilst we were there, on the day!!!! No prior notice and no I didn't kick off in front of her about it.on

It won't affect our friendship, I just wanted to write it down. My dd said she thought it was a poor excuse but I don't want to confront my friend because it is her choice.
As you say it's an invite, not a summons.

OP posts: