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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking raging?

417 replies

Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 19:48

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 13/01/2019 10:38

Yanbu
I think some grandparents just talk the talk
Op has given her dad a months notice, it’s her birthday and he cannot be bothered to alter his plans for one night
I think that Op still has some resentment from the past regarding her father’s behaviour and probably thinks that her father should make up for it by helping her out occasionally . She probably feels that he is letting her down again.

category12 · 13/01/2019 10:49

Sorry for your loss, op Flowers

MargotLovedTom1 · 13/01/2019 10:54

Ignore the wankers on here who like to make sweeping, disparaging statements about people they've never met. Your frustration and upset was tangible and I feel for you. It's a horrible wake up call that the one person you thought would support you is actually unwilling to put you first, just once.

PregnantSea · 13/01/2019 10:59

If they already have plans then I don't think you can expect them to change that to suit you. It would be nice if they did but you can't assume that they will, that's unfair.

Just get a baby sitter

NicolaStart · 13/01/2019 11:06

Turning down your request was mean and selfish, I agree.

But obviously your reaction to i has been fuelled by years of his selfishness, and the contrast to your Mum, who you still grieve.

I wonder if his wife knew he had turned you down?

Just reply to his message with ‘oh, right, I thought it would be a good opportunity to put the new sofa bed to use, for my birthday celebration. Oh well’.

User758172 · 13/01/2019 11:12

Expect nothing OP, and then you’re never disappointed. Speaking from bitter experience!

OpalIridescence · 13/01/2019 11:17

Mmm technically I agree you have no right to his time etc.

IRL families help each other and it's a special occasion. I don't think yabu to be hurt by this.

I have been surprised by the amount of people that tell me, if you need anything just ask. In reality they are never seen again!

I now have removed all need of other people from my life that I don't pay for as being let down is hurtful and a waste of your own energy.

Belindabauer · 13/01/2019 11:26

Yanbu.
I'd go with the suggestion way back on page one.
Speak to dds nursery staff and ask if anyone would be willing to baby sit. If not the staff might be able to recommend a reliable baby sitter. I've know staff where I work look after other staff's children when they are stuck.
Also ask the other parents if any of them have an older child who would like to babysit.

leaveby10 · 13/01/2019 11:46

Sil was told my mil not to expect her to babysit - after all she had made the decision to have kids, she should look after them. Now MIL needs SIL to cook her dinner every fucking day, to clean her house and basically be a slave, which I know she resents - I often wonder how SIL puts up with it after her mother was so unwilling to help her with the kids when she needed it.
We live too far away to help elderly parents or for them to have helped us when the kids were younger - it's petty I know but I would struggle to help them if they had refused to help me.

Wordthe · 13/01/2019 11:49

Living too far away to help is often the best solution I find

pfwow · 13/01/2019 11:54

Why don't you just ask them to take your DD on a Friday night and go out then?

User12879923378 · 13/01/2019 11:54

My husband and I are older parents and the three GPs left are just too disabled or frail now to help us out. I do understand that this is not the same as an able parent who has promised to help backing out, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in not having that set of ready and willing parents who will help you out.

FWIW I don't think your dad was unreasonable to say they had plans even if you personally don't think that his plans sound very important, but that doesn't mean you can't be disappointed in them and also I am sure that if he had said "but we could do Friday" or something you would have been less angry.

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 12:14

Who has been babysitting whilst you've been dating recently? Can't you use them if a Friday is so unacceptable to you.

gunnergirl · 13/01/2019 12:43

tbh can't quite understand why grandparents are like this I have my dgd regular in fact I had her Friday night as my daughter had to work Saturday I'm lucky to live near and help out whenever I can

Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 13/01/2019 12:47

People still going on about Friday - you're missing my point completely so I can't be bothered to acknowledge it again.

OP posts:
Nellabella · 13/01/2019 12:56

Don't worry January, I get what you mean-no matter what though make sure you do something nice for yourself on your birthday, don't let it pass unmarked

canibehereifimnotamum · 13/01/2019 12:58

Surely this is what happens when you have children, you can't do excatly what you want all the time.

cricketballs3 · 13/01/2019 13:03

People still going on about Friday - you're missing my point completely so I can't be bothered to acknowledge it again

people aren't missing your point, but pointing out that just because they can't baby sit on the night you requested why not suggest a different night?

letsdolunch321 · 13/01/2019 13:13

Your dad op sounds 100% selfish, mine is the same. In all the times I asked for my dc to be babysat it was always on my dads terms as he is a massive controlling twat. He cut me & my sister out of his life after my mum Passed away sold the marital home then felt he could worm his way back in after two years of no contact.

Ask a friend/sibling if they can help you out or pay for a babysitter.

mummmy2017 · 13/01/2019 13:15

Point is you want a Saturday night out.
The free babysitters are not free to do it..
You pay someone to do it so you can go...
Oh what an easy way to get what you want.

DelphiniumBlue · 13/01/2019 13:17

Ask him to have her on Friday night then.

Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 13/01/2019 13:29

Well my MIL told me she would watch my dcs at our home for the first time ever so we bought tickets to see Arctic Monkeys. (Fab band!!) she cancelled a week before for no reason what so ever other than she didn’t want to be tired the next day.

She’s never ever watched them.

Felicia3 · 13/01/2019 13:38

I honestly understand being annoyed by this. But the level of anger is way beyond the situation.

Deedee0208 · 13/01/2019 14:05

Other people don't get to tell you how you should feel, I would feel the same as you do, your not asking for the world just one night, personally I would probably pull back a bit and wouldn't feel able to ask any more, he is her grandad and one night wouldn't hurt him x

TeddybearBaby · 13/01/2019 14:13

So sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my mum and it was / is hell. I remember sobbing to my counsellor ‘I’m no ones priority any more, I didn’t realise how safe I was before, this is so lonely’. My dad was always the perfect dad but once my mum died and he met someone else he made it clear who his priority was, I’ve accepted it now but it still occasionally comes back to smack me in the face in case I forgot that fact for a minute. 💐 x