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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking raging?

417 replies

Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 19:48

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 12/01/2019 21:51

OP if you are still reading - you are assuming it was all a big lie about having your DC when they bought the sofa bed, however, you know they have a regular thing on Saturday nights - it doesn't really matter you don't think it's up to much, it's their routine.

So I'd take a deep breath and send a text like "Hi Dad, sorry, I forgot you have a regular thing on Saturday nights. Is there another night around my birthday you could have [dd] and I'll see if my friends are able to do that. X"

It might be a straight 'no' or a 'I need to check with DW and will let you know" (which is probably a more polite 'no' if you don't get another follow up in 24 hours with an offer).

But at least you'll know.

Right now you are angry, but it's angry at an assumption. Find out.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 21:51

In which case Bluntness I am surprised by your lack of empathy

Why? Because I've said it's reasonable to be annoyed but entitled and immature to decide to end her relationship over her father over this, and to be furious?

I don't call that lack of empathy, I call that telling her to take step back, calm the fuck down and not end an important relationship over this alone, to pause for thought. Of course it's annoying, but this is an extreme reaction to not getting what she wants.

Woodchiponthewall · 12/01/2019 21:55

TheBigBangRocks - again, has your adversity not given you more understanding of others? And she is not expecting ‘on tap childcare’ but one night out. So I might’ve lost a few quid on my bet but I stand by sanctimonious.

Livelovebehappy · 12/01/2019 21:56

YABU. Of course it’s great if you have family who will do some childcare, but it isn’t a ‘right’.

Coyoacan · 12/01/2019 21:57

I'm usually the one to take the side of grandparents in these matters, but I totally get the OP and cannot understand the slating she is getting, frankly.

CarolDanvers · 12/01/2019 21:58

Hmn, it was my parents right to demand years of childcare from me though. Yet it was long faces and moaning like anything when it came to two or three times a year for their grand children.

whatsthestory123 · 12/01/2019 22:01

sorry op your dd is unsupportive

i know where your coming from and it must be upsetting,this im guessing is in a long line of disappointment from him

its sad when you realise you really are solely responsible for a child

i hope some how you manage a night out and your doing a great jobFlowersFlowers

Wordthe · 12/01/2019 22:03

OP, it sounds as if your relationship with your father is very problematic and that you may benefit from stepping away from him
there were lots of people on Mumsnet who have experience of dealing with difficult parents and who will help you if you want to discuss it

Wordthe · 12/01/2019 22:05

I totally get why she's angry
her father has made big gestures suggesting that he is willing to look after his grandchild but then when it comes down to it he acts all offended and refuses
he is being manipulative and deliberately triggering his daughter into a rage, he knows exactly how to press her buttons and make her so angry that it is very hard for her to step back and look at what's happened

PollyFlinderz · 12/01/2019 22:17

I feel for all the grandparents who are supposed to be on tap childcare because their adult children want to opt out of their responsibilities. Quite why so many have children when they begrudge parenting is a mystery

You need to be feeling for yourself what with being such a prat.

mcmooberry · 12/01/2019 22:23

No wonder you feel let down you are definitely NOT BU in my opinion, it's sickening for you to have no support from your father, he is a disgrace not being willing to put his weekly jolly on hold for your birthday when you think of what other grandparents do to help out. I would be absolutely furious too!!

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 22:24

I feel for all the grandparents who are supposed to be on tap childcare because their adult children want to opt out of their responsibilities. Quite why so many have children when they begrudge parenting is a mystery

Oh do get over yourself. Wanting one night out (planned months in advance) is not opting out of parenting or begrudging looking after your child.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/01/2019 22:38

As others have said. Be disappointed maybe, but 'raging' really? They are YOUR kids not his. Get a fucking grip - you have no right to expect anything of them, its a bonus if you get support, but its NOT a right!

linda30 · 12/01/2019 22:44

YANBU. I sympathise. My parents live in Scotland and we come visit maybe 2 a year. You would think they'd be keen to spend some time with their only grandson. No such luck. Altough I am not raging, I am quite disappointed every single time.

shuthefrontdoor · 12/01/2019 22:45

I know how you feel January no one offers to have our children or looks after them at our house, I can't remember the last time me and my partner went out together.. x

MidniteScribbler · 12/01/2019 23:03

As a parent, I can't imagine saying no to my child in the future if it were a regular night out that I can miss without issue. If the OP was asking her father to take time off work, or cancel a concert, I could understand the refusal, but this seems a bit mean. If it's just going out to dinner, couldn't the DD go along? Even if she's sitting there with a colouring book for a while, it's not that big of a deal, surely?

That said, with the OP's backstory, it doesn't sound like he's going to be awarded Father of the Year anytime soon, so it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that he's not willing to change his routine.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/01/2019 23:12

If you're still reading OP...I would be annoyed. Even if they've gone out every Saturday since time began, it's one night! I'd miss anything I did every week to help out family for one night a year so they had a decent birthday! Everyone needs some time off, and if they don't agree to it for your birthday then when.
Please still ask them for the Friday though, there is no point in cutting your nose off to spite your face

leaveby10 · 13/01/2019 00:02

Op do you think your dad be expecting you to help him out in his old age?

leaveby10 · 13/01/2019 00:05

•I feel for all the grandparents who are supposed to be on tap childcare because their adult children want to opt out of their responsibilities. Quite why so many have children when they begrudge parenting is a mystery* And feel sorry for all the kids who are expected to care for their elderly parents. It flows both ways.

Rachie1973 · 13/01/2019 00:07

Lol. I actually do babysit quite regularly for my grandchildren but their parents know not to ask me for a Thur. that’s our night. DH and I shut the world out. I wouldn’t cancel it for them. Not even for a birthday.

The only exceptions have been emergencies.

ChubRubTheStruggleIsReal · 13/01/2019 00:11

Yanbu
It’s one night not in a crap boozer for them, one night out for your birthday (2nd time ever that DC has stayed with them) for you.

It very mean spirited of them when they know it means so much to you.

Butteredghost · 13/01/2019 00:29

For everyone saying how poor OP is so desperate for a night out to have a break - but she's not so desperate to accept a break on a Friday? What's wrong with Friday?

AIBU - I've offered to babysit for my dd, she has asked me to do it on a night I already have something planned. I guess I could cancel but I don't get out much apart from this, so I look forward to it. I've don't mind any other day. She could move her night as it's not even planned yet, and it's not a concert or anything where the day is fixed. If she would ask me for a Friday we could both have our nights out. AIBU?

Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 13/01/2019 09:33

So I've calmed down somewhat and I'm no longer feeling ragey. I've read through all the responses and I admit that I was being slightly over the top with how I reacted but my feeling about my dad still stand - he really is the most selfish person I've ever met. I thought that when he met his wife that he'd softened a bit, especially when he told me that he'd be there for me whenever I needed him and would do anything to help me.

My mum died a few years ago when I was 22 - she was the complete opposite and would do anything she could to help me out. The pain and confusion I feel from losing her is still in full force, and the fact that I've been left with him as my only parent is sometimes hard to accept.

He is nk
He isn't an alcoholic as a pp suggested, and he's not someone I wouldn't be able to trust with dd or I would never in a million years leave her in his care. However, I've realised that his personality and his "ways" are something I'm never going to be able to get used to or accept. This has been the final straw for me and I no longer feel like I can make any sort of effort with him in the future. As far as I'm concerned, the relationship is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Januarybringstheblues · 13/01/2019 09:33

Ignore the 'he is nk' - stupid phone.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 13/01/2019 10:28

Good luck for the future @January, the loss of your mum, the contrast between her way of doing things and your father's....that must be very painful and hard to bear

promising to be there for you and then letting you down when you need him, that is painful and humiliating you feel as if you've been tricked and it's awful