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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking raging?

417 replies

Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 19:48

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

OP posts:
twoundertwo54321 · 13/01/2019 14:14

Just go out Friday for your birthday.

Sugarformyhoney · 13/01/2019 14:14

I hear you OP
Some grandparents are shit, and that is actually really hurtful. You were I supprted as a child and now you are an adult you are unsupported again. I understand the point that you are the Mum now but being a parent brings about all sorts of vulnerabilities and it is not unreasonable to hope you can rely on family for support and care.
Some people on here are awful and probably have no idea how it feels to grow up as you have and to need that support and nurture.
I’m really sorry for you. I hope that in time you find people in your life who become your family

Tessabelle1 · 13/01/2019 17:27

Yabu, she's your child, not theirs but that being said, I know where you're coming from as child free time is like rocking horse poop around here too

Fowles94 · 13/01/2019 17:34

You are acting like a spoilt child. My dad would never have my lo and that's fine with me. Plus it seems you've picked Saturday to cause an argument. I would never ask someone to change plans for me.

Bekstar · 13/01/2019 17:40

My mum would say exactly the same if it was her bingo night, unless my dad was going to be in. She does bingo twice a week and will quite happily watch them any other time. I wouldnt be furious. Id rearrange my own things to accomodate them actually. My dad has ome night out a week amd sometimes will miss it. If its an emergency he will accomodate and stay home to look after any of his grandkids. But emergency means hospital, serious injury, illness or similar amd he has come up trumps when my husband wanted to be by my side when I had a major blood clot and a stroke. But I wouldnt expect them to drop what they are doing just for a night out. Birthday or not. Id rearrange it or get a babysitter. To be honest even when my parenta had my week when we went away on our anniversary I arranged a babysitter to have them om the nights I knew my parents would want to go out.

Some couples who have had their kids n they have grown up left etc, value the time they have for routine nights out like that. I remembe rmy dad once telling me about his own mum, who was a doting mum but values her Friday might bingo. Then when he came off hia motorbike at the age of 23 he was seriously ill im hospital with internal bleeding, she sat by his bed all week, but Friday at 5pm she got up turned around and said "Ill have to go, I'll be back as soon as the bingo is finished" and left. He never blames her and only sees it as a funmy moment to laugh about how she never missed a bingo night for years.

Try rearranging for another night or like already said get a babysitter.

SaturdayNext · 13/01/2019 17:43

YABVU. It was your decision to become a parent, you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that and not demand that other people help you out. Just pick a different night t celebrate your birthday, or make different babysitting arrangements.

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 17:43

I feel sorry for you op. You almost never go out, it wouldn't hurt them to change their usual arrangement for one night. Not much you can do about it though.

Wine
Kim1010 · 13/01/2019 17:49

Change your night, as they have their plans, why should they change there's
Just because there your parents doesn't give you exclusive rights to their time, your an adult now, time to start thinking what you do for them too?

Bozlem80 · 13/01/2019 17:49

My MIL is like this yrs ago asked her weeks in advance to have my DD & DS whilst myself & my DH went to my mums birthday meal, she agreed & then the night before when we asked if still ok she said no as had made plans with friends now that’s fucking selfish, she didn’t even apologise, never asked her since & she hardly ever bothers with my kids or my DH for that matter, her favourite grandchildren are her DD’s girls & can tell a mile off, me DH haven’t been out together in over 10 yrs!

recklessgran · 13/01/2019 17:50

OP you need help - your level of anger is unreasonable. I can understand that you are frustrated and honestly I can't understand why your Dad can't take DD out to Wetherspoons with him and his wife. I think this is more than about your birthday outing?

Carriecakes80 · 13/01/2019 17:50

Sadly, its not unreasonable for them to say no, it sucks of course, but then, I'm used to all that lol. I've got no family near me and four kids so not had a night out in about 7 years lol. Can you not ask for another night??

CarolDanvers · 13/01/2019 17:52

Why don't the posters who are coming on here to tell the OP off read the entire thread?

Claudia1980 · 13/01/2019 17:52

YANBU!!! I would be fuming.”we go out every Saturday “. Yeah to the same boring place 52 times a year. You are asking for them to not go, for just one of those 52. I would be furious too. They sound like selfish pricks.

Foreverexhausted · 13/01/2019 17:53

I haven't bothered to read the replies OP because I know you will get lots of people saying "How dare you ask let alone expect a grandparent or family member to babysit YOUR child whilst you have the audacity to have a night out" I don;t live in that world, I came from the world where family do help each other out and they don't mind doing so!

You're not being unreasonable but unfortunately I think they are unwilling seeing as how you never ask them and the one occasion you do they don't want to.

MarleyBarley18 · 13/01/2019 17:53

No you aren’t, if you asked in advance and they got a sofa bed for dd to sleep on and never has done I think they are being mean. Hope you get the time off you need! I went on a first date last night for the first time in 3 years!!! 7month old ds and his dad hasn’t bothered with him in at least 2 months. Dicks

Tweety1981 · 13/01/2019 17:58

This generation of grandparents are pretty challenging .

They don’t want to do anything and they expect the status .

Yes I think they could change their plans and I would’ve , but don’t underestimate the new breed of modern grandparent. It’s all about their schedule and you have to fit into it .....they think they’ve ‘ don’t there bit’ etc etc .

Sorry it’s tough , but it’s not just a problem with you as a single mum , it’s more than that .

Grandparents attitudes have changed . We all have to live with it and it is part of a larger break down in society .

OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 13/01/2019 17:59

Ffs, leave it out with the ‘boohoo pity the grandparents they aren’t free childcare’ bullshit! Op wants one freaking night!! One! Hardly sitting on her arse all day and asking him to watch her daughter every weekend whilst she goes on the piss!!

Family help each other out. Period. If you don’t then what’s even the point? Op you are not being unreasonable to be deeply disappointed at all. I am also a mother without a mother and my dad is also useless. Luckily my SILS and PILS often LOVE to have our kids round, take them places during the holidays and have them all for sleepovers. My kids worship them all and have the best time. I am incredibly lucky and thankful for that. You’ve got my sympathies. I would suggest perhaps staying frosty with your dad and his wife, and looking into paid childcare for the night perhaps, or a friendly parent from school maybe? Flowers

Kathygnome · 13/01/2019 18:02

Whether it's "reasonable" or not, when you see all these other grandparents helping out your friends with kids and you get left high and dry, it's terribly frustrating. Like you, we were given indications that they'd be more than willing to help out, but when it came down to it, not so much unless all the stars aligned. Eventually we stopped asking.

I think the worst was when our daughter's great aunt was visiting and gushing on about how much her sister must love babysitting and how lucky we were to live so close. I have no idea if the grandparents claim they babysit (at this time it had been three years) or if she was just assuming. We just smiled and bit our tongues.

SoupDragon · 13/01/2019 18:04

it is part of a larger break down in society

😂😂

sarralim · 13/01/2019 18:04

I just don't believe the responses on here. Seriously! As you're saying, OP, what is the effing point of family if they can't make a once a year exception to their standing weekend plans?

I'm amazed at how many of you haven't even read the OP properly (as is so often the case on this forum) where she clearly describes that her father & partner go out every weekend and that this was a specific request for a birthday night out. It's not like you're asking your Dad to help out all the time, OP, is it?! And even if you did, your Dad should really think long and hard before he declines. You are his daughter and your daughter is his grand child. End of.

To people who say that they have been in the OPs situation, it's just totally baffling that you didn't develop some more empathy while you were at it. Clearly your experiences were lost on you.

No, you're absolutely right, OP. What is the point of family? What does it really stand for? You are so not being unreasonable. But so many PPs on here absolutely are.

toria6118 · 13/01/2019 18:06

Sorry, you are being really unreasonable. I’m a parent, with mental illness, a disabled partner to care for aswell. I get a night out maybe twice a year? I have to book that night out childcare at least 3-6 months before I want to go out. Go out another night, or pay for childcare.

Obi73 · 13/01/2019 18:06

Grow up - harsh but true. When you have children they’re your responsibility and just because you want a night out doesn’t mean everyone has to drop what they usually do to suit.
Find a babysitter via the local community - we found ours via the village Post Office. Lovely girl, booked in advance and plenty of pizza!

Glitterbug76 · 13/01/2019 18:07

my dad is in his 70s and ( his choice ) takes my daughter school as I have to be at work for 8. I get what everyone is saying but 1 night a year ! Perhaps he feels he's done his stint as a parent but ... I could never imagine not supporting my daughter and grandchildren, it's not even one a month !! I'm so sorry you've had issues, have you got a friend that will have your dd and you can return the favour. Does your dads wife have grand children?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/01/2019 18:08

It's a bit shit OP, I agree. It sounds like you are upset about a lot of the parenting you received, and this is just typical of the sort of thing you experienced, and so this is about all of it in some ways.... So you need to work with what you've got. Suggest Friday maybe, and then see what happens, but don't get cross, as you say, there'll be a big kick-off, and you won't achieve anything

Cattus · 13/01/2019 18:08

You’re right to feel let down, especially in light of his behaviour to you as a child.
But that said, you can’t do anything about another adult’s choices. You’re best to realise that this person is never going to properly be supportive and to look elsewhere if you want a night out.