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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking raging?

417 replies

Januarybringstheblues · 12/01/2019 19:48

I'm a single parent to dd (4). Her dad isn't on the scene so child-free time is very rare and nights out are even more rare. My dad and his wife got a sofa bed for their house for dd to sleepover when I need a babysitter. So far, this has happened once.

Today I sent my dad a message and asked him if he could have dd overnight while I have a night out for my birthday next month. His response - 'we go out every Saturday'.

They basically go to the local Wetherspoons and do the same mundane thing week in, week out. For ONE NIGHT I'm asking them to do me a favour and lool after their grandchild. One fucking night.

Aibu to be furious?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 21:25

In RL as opposed to MN, how many of you would NOT be annoyed if your parent refused to babysit when it wasn't really a big deal to them, but a big deal to you?

Many people have said they understand why she'd be annoyed, I was one of them, what's being said is being raging, about to end the relationship, calling him abusive names is not acceptable behaviour and is over the top, and yes is unreasonable.

brizzledrizzle · 12/01/2019 21:26

YABU, she's your child and your responsibility. Do something for your birthday that involves your child, she'd like to celebrate it with you and you don't have to go out and get drunk.

nameuseroriginal · 12/01/2019 21:26

To all those saying 'Your child, your responsibility.'

Do you believe in 'your parent, your responsibility'?

CardsforKittens · 12/01/2019 21:28

I also think there's a lot of back story because I can't imagine being furious with my mum if she had other plans and couldn't look after my kids on my birthday. This is because she once came from another country for a weekend to look after my kids so that I could go to a child free wedding of a friend of my DH who I hardly knew. And many similar things. So because she has generally been very supportive I would take it on the chin if she said no from time to time.

But if a parent has been generally unsupportive this would hurt like fuck.

whystay · 12/01/2019 21:30

You are not being unreasonable at all. This is not about getting a babysitter for one evening out. This is about having someone who is family on your side, there to help you out when you need someone to lean on. It's about the realisation that you maybe don't have that support when you thought you did.

I know I'm incredibly lucky to have support from other means, but it really hurts me that my own mother has no desire to tell me she'll take my 2 young kids (both under 2) for even an hour or two every now and again to give me a little break, or even just a chance to do some housework! Yes i get the arguments that they've done their time as parents, but I see other grandparents doing so much and I just wish my own mother could remember how incredibly hard it can be at times and how much we all need some support.

So no you are not being unreasonable at all. But you do need to find yourself some support to give you some much needed time out which you might need to pay for, maybe find a local babysitter?

QwertyLou · 12/01/2019 21:31

I’m surprised by some of the answers tbh. OP is feeling upset and venting, because she’s utterly alone with no one to watch her daughter for the one night in the year she was hoping to go out.

Why wouldn’t your Dad and Stepmom take her to Wetherspoons with them? Good opportunity to show off their lovely GDD to their friends who would love to see her I’m sure.

I’m not in the UK so I know it’s different, but my parents attend Mass every Sunday and were upset when I wouldn’t let them take my newborn to show off (once he was fully vaccinated I did)!

But a 4yo is pretty easy surely - not a newborn needing feeds and diaper changes?

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 12/01/2019 21:31

@brizzledrizzle As a single parent OP is already taking care of her daughter all the time. She does not want to spend birthday away from her daughter, but to have a bit of time to herself, and if that involves a few drinks, so be it (a few drinks does not equal getting drunk btw). I imagine it's really nice to spend a few hours with just adults, and having a tiny break for just a short time which is normal when you have a partner or a supportive family.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 12/01/2019 21:33

If your dad was such a useless alcoholic father why would you even consider leaving your four year old in his care.

category12 · 12/01/2019 21:34

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be disappointed that he won't change his plans, given a month's notice and it being for your birthday. Particularly if they've made a big song and dance about getting a bed for your dd.

I'm assuming the rage comes from a massive backstory.

Woodchiponthewall · 12/01/2019 21:34

I completely get it OP and would be raging too. It’s not the actual night out, but more the fact that they won’t inconvenience themselves one night to help you from the relentlessness of it. Some posters are being sanctimonious and I would bet money on the fact they are the ones that have had lots of help, no matter how they try and spin it. There is something completely soul destroying and heart breaking when parents haven’t got your back. I recently had a homebirth with my second, primarily because family living nearby have made it clear they never want to help out so had no childcare options for hospital. When you know you would do anything to make your own DC’s life easier in the future of course it makes you rage. He does sound like a selfish twat, swear away!

DaisyRose1985 · 12/01/2019 21:35

I'm a parent who has my mum has a back up, if and when she is free, if I ever made arrangements on a Saturday evening, in which she goes out on a Saturday without fail, I would book her months in advance. Are you unreasonable to be miffed he won't stop his weekly routine that he always does with his wife, yes you are, you chose to have a child, it's not their responsibility, however if you want a night out, in advance more than a few weeks (then he's unreasonable to not consider changing his routine) however like I've stated previously, you had a child, your dad didn't, and as a grandfather it's not his responsibility to be at your beck and call. That's not me being shitty, that's being a parent and realising just because you have children you shouldn't expect any relative of yours, to look after them. Harsh but realistic.

Guavaf1sh · 12/01/2019 21:35

YABU - i get why you’re upset but your reaction is very extreme

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/01/2019 21:37

He is not there to provide you with child care! YABVU to suggest he should change his plans for you - why should he. Pay for child care or go out on another night!

shirleyschmidt · 12/01/2019 21:39

Well I think yanbu. Nobody is obliged, but it's a bit hurtful your own dad wouldn't give up one of his weekly nights out to give you the night of your choice for your birthday. It's tough as a single parent, and the casual reason for refusal is disappointing. I wouldn't cut your nose off though, you might as well ask if Friday is an option.

Woodchiponthewall · 12/01/2019 21:39

DaisyRose you have totally missed the point of the OPs angst and you can’t possible understand it, as demonstrated by your first sentence ‘I’m a parent who has my Mum as a back up’. Imagine if you didn’t.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 12/01/2019 21:41

YABU and OTT to be 'fucking raging' that your parents would dare to keep their existing plans instead of babysit. Sounds like you need to find a gem of a babysitter as well as you can't rely on just one. Try your local childminders - sometimes they are looking for extra work.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 21:43

Some posters are being sanctimonious and I would bet money on the fact they are the ones that have had lots of help, no matter how they try and spin it

Well I grew up in an abusive home, I'm no contact with my father and my mother is dead, both my husbands parents are dead and my daughter has never been baby sat once in her life by any family member.

Curious to why you feel this is spin?

Woodchiponthewall · 12/01/2019 21:44

In which case Bluntness I am surprised by your lack of empathy.

leaveby10 · 12/01/2019 21:45

OP I get it - you just for once thought you might get some support - especially after you Dad dangled the sofa bed in of you. I think you sacrifice things for people you love - not all the time but a one off? I can understand why you feel angry and let down.

TeddybearBaby · 12/01/2019 21:45

I think this is more about feeling like your dad doesn’t care about you. Being unwilling to miss a standard night out so his daughter can enjoy a birthday night out. I know you’re angry but I think you’re in a lot of pain too. I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy and I think when you’ve calmed down a bit maybe try and speak to your dad x

Valanice1989 · 12/01/2019 21:46

On MN, "'no' is a complete sentence" applies to everyone except grandparents!

CarolDanvers · 12/01/2019 21:47

Even without the back story you’re not being unreasonable. MN is ridiculous for this. My parents are similar and I always thought it was unusual till I read threads on here. I honestly don’t know how people can be so selfish and not want to help their kids a bit. My parents used to have mine two or three times a year but when the price of that came too high with the long faces and banging plates down on the table the next day because I had supposedly come back too late. I gave up in the end. I wouldn’t have minded so much if they hadn’t ever had to worry about or pay for childcare for their youngest child because I always did it! From age 9 till 18 I babysat at night when they went out on the lash and during the school holidays while they worked. I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time on this thread it’s a subject that always brings the miseries out.

grinchypants · 12/01/2019 21:47

Disappointed yes
Fucking raging - a bit much

TheBigBangRocks · 12/01/2019 21:48

Bluntness, similar here. The poster would have lost a few bets it would seem.

I feel for all the grandparents who are supposed to be on tap childcare because their adult children want to opt out of their responsibilities. Quite why so many have children when they begrudge parenting is a mystery.

CarolDanvers · 12/01/2019 21:50

I feel for all the grandparents who are supposed to be on tap childcare because their adult children want to opt out of their responsibilities. Quite why so many have children when they begrudge parenting is a mystery.

Probably the most sanctimonious pile of bullshit I have ever read on here. It’s OP’s BIRTHDAY. One night. Not sure how you manage to extrapolate what you posted from her wanting to have a bit of fun on her birthday. What a horrible way to think.