To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

stevies list might come off as a bit shallow - but being pragmatic and actually thinking about who YOU are and the possible outcomes of having kids for YOU, is something a lot more people should take a lot more seriously before going through with it.

Agreed, I can see that it may come across that way. What you seem to understand, but some people are failing to grasp, is that it was a list of my reasons for not wanting children.

It's my truth. What else do you want me to say?

I've got lots of friends who haven't had kids, mostly by choice. Wanting children isn't an innate quality of being female. And it is a perfectly valid choice to not want them.

No worries - I read your message in the tone you meant (I think :))

I think it would be wonderful if it was more possible to test the waters on being a parent. There is no particular reason people couldn't have more education on this...even a balanced range of experiences from parents would help. Like little 3 min videos with how people saw themselves, what they expected parenting to be, and what it actually was turning out to be.

Some would be positively surprised and others negatively...just a balance of real world experiences to mitigating the BS on TV cinema and social media.

I suspect almost no one really thinks what their parenting experience will be like if their child is disabled for example....and that could happen to anyone - so it really is something everyone should consider before making an active attempt to conceive.

@stevie69 no you certainly can't have it all. On that we are in agreement.

@M3lon the thing is nobody is saying some of these things don't happen to some or a lot of women to varying degrees and I also totally agree, given the enormity of the reality of children that due consideration to this must be given. I think the issue is nobody else has the right to call you bonkers for choosing to become a parent in the way the @Ichabod2000 did. If you'd started a thread saying what you had lost by becoming a mother that's something quite different.

It's all a question of respect and empathy really at the end of the day isn't it.

On AIBU it is expected that people give their opinions and at times those opinions are given robustly. If you are on the receiving end of something you do not wish to hear, do try to deal with that in a mature and adult fashion

stevie I didn't mean shallow as self centred...I meant shallow in terms of your knowledge of parenthood...which you acknowledge is hard to come by without actually doing it. They are all perfectly good reasons and more than enough on their own to make a reasoned decision. There is just so much more that should also be considered and rarely is.

My point is we could all be making these decisions in a more informed manner than we are.

Most people wouldn't have lip filler without considering the risk factors involved...it makes no sense to do something 1000 times more risky and life changing (even when it goes perfectly) without doing due diligence!

joystir59

I've got lots of friends who haven't had kids, mostly by choice. Wanting children isn't an innate quality of being female. And it is a perfectly valid choice to not want them.

Well said.

I think the issue is nobody else has the right to call you bonkers for choosing to become a parent

Agree entirely. I've said before that I both applaud your choice and am thankful for it. I stand by that

@M3lon

Hey, please don't worry. Your post was in no way offensive

If truth be told, maybe I am 'shallow'. Who knows? Guess we all have shortcomings . However, I come on here to add my voice to the debate and, in doing that, I always speak my truth. I do not set out to intentionally insult anyone.

Ive only read the OP because I CBA to trawl through the inevitable bun fight of people justifying either choice.

But my decision to have children was a primal urge, totally hormonal. I wanted children, I have two, 7&4 years. Love them to pieces, adored the newborn and baby stage, gritted my teeth through the toddler stage and now coasting through the primary years.

My life has changed but I still get to enjoy lie ins, money, holidays, career. Sure, we tend to do vacations suited to their enjoyment rather than solely ours but I don't find being a parent relentless.

But the fact is, I'm smart enough to know and "get" that parenting isn't for everyone. If I were to fall pregnant again now I'd shit myself. All of a sudden I have a visceral response to having a new baby which is totally opposite to the hormonal and broody urge before I had my babies.

You'd have to be pretty thick to not understand both sides of the same coin though. And really arrogant to assume that people without children don't have fulfilling lives...

I had a hard struggle to become a mother and I’ve never regretted it — knew I’d be desolate if it never happened. Even at the bad times when Is say to myself, I don’t want to do this anymore , I knew I’d never surrender my DC, that the bond was too deep.
I think when you find that having DC doesn’t just happen at the drop of a hat, that you can so easily lose pregnancies, that primal feeling can become the be all and end all of your life.
I think it’s really good that people like you OP can have the choice not to procreate. In the past women who did not want to had few options and had to choose a life where pregnancy could be avoided foe example, in a convent or as a single chaste woman. Even the latte option was not available if one’s father etc, decided you would marry. The life of a single woman, unless she had independent means, was miserable, living in a relative’s household as an unpaid skivvy and nurse maid or trying to scratch a living as a governess in a stranger’s household, ostracised by servants and masters alike.
So the OP’s situation is a relatively modern one. There are enough child rearing families in he world to ncourage those who are diffident to remain child free

A strange thread to start on "mumsnet" 🤔

It's a primal urge, I'm not entirely sure what your point is, we all know what you've listed!? It's probably safer, less time consuming, cleaner, less heartache not to have sex for fun but hey we do that anyway. You seem to be living under the misapprehension that being human is all about living a rational, logical, care free life. Lets not mention the need to populate the earth. I think the person with a problem here might be you my dear. You made me chuckle though, such rage!!

Didn't Robert Winston say that our life carries on after death - in the genes of our children?

Why would we want our lives to carry on after our deaths?

Sure this is the third thread of late that centres around the OP not wanting kids and asking people to tell them why they have kids as it sounds like a nightmare etc.. for starters why are you on a parenting forum? I had never even heard of Mumsnet until I needed to google something baby related and came across the site, so find it totally bizarre why someone who DOES NOT want children or have any interest in children would join a site like this.
Also I don't think I have ever heard a Mum / Dad on here describe their lives with children as 'it sucks and it's ruining my life but I love them anyway' either? Makes me wonder if people who start these threads are just trolling and trying to get a reaction. Weirdos.

so find it totally bizarre why someone who DOES NOT want children or have any interest in children would join a site like this.

A large amount of the topics have nothing to do with parenting or childcare.

A large amount of the topics have nothing to do with parenting or childcare.

There are tonnes of 'chat rooms', why would anyone chose a parenting forum, called MUMSNET, to join up to when these topics could be discussed on another forum. Sorry but I just think its odd. Had never even come across this site until I was a parent.

And I find threads like these goady and rude.

It's not odd to come across it when your not a parent, it's in the papers lots be that for politician chats or more ridiculous stuff like penis beaker.
Yes there's lots of chatrooms, but can you point me to a well populated forum with largely UK users, a large proportion of female users and a spread of topics of everything from keeping chickens to DIY to feminism?

Isuspect almost no one really thinks what their parenting experience will be like if their child is disabled for example....and that could happen to anyone - so it really is something everyone should consider before making an active attempt to conceive.

This is very true. I considered this but I am mildly disabled so the reality that someone can be disabled is very real for me. Most people don't even think about it.

There are many discussions beyond parenting but you wouldn't know that unless you actually went on the site and read a few discussions. Why would anyone who isn't a parent and doesn't want to be a parent do that in the first place? The only reason I can think of is that OP is wondering whether she is making the right decision or is missing some benefit. Perhaps that is why she has started the thread in the first place which is fair enough. I don't know why anyone is offended.

I think op is a very shallow person if money and clothes and a job is all she thinks about it's possible to have a good job also manage money properly in order to still have the same luxury as before dc op your post is very goady

100% agree with OP. Bonkers. Annoying. Not sure if I can't bare kids or parents more.....

So grateful my hormones haven't tricked me into an illusion...

I haven’t read the full thread.

I have a 4 year old and a 16 month old and I’m exhausted all the time.

I love my children ridiculous amounts but when I close my eyes I like to drift off to a world where I don’t have children and think how different my life would be....

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie really?...

Why would anyone who isn't a parent and doesn't want to be a parent do that in the first place?

Mumsnet often pop up in searches for random topics for me, I've often googled something DIY related and a mumsnet thread be on the first page. Just earlier in fact was searching for tips re a leaking window and a mumsnet thread was on the first page of Google for it.
It's an very popular site, that's regularly in the media and social media and has a huge range of topics so decent for hitting high on Google page for random things, don't think it's that unusual for those who don't have children to discover and read it, it's not like an obscure Facebook group that's only about parenting.