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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
ChainVaper · 14/01/2019 09:24

RandomObject....
Why are you on mumsnet then? Such hatred for “sprogs”- surely you have no need to come and comment here

RandomObject · 14/01/2019 09:24

My bitterness comes from being told by several friends with children that I'm selfish and don't know what the true meaning of life is because I don't want kids Smile I must admit I took some serious offence to the notion that my life and everything I've done with it is meaningless by someone wiping snot off a toddler's face every 30 seconds.

RandomObject · 14/01/2019 09:25

And also I am leaving mumsnet - I came on at first because I found the topics interesting but it isn't very good for my mental health.

RandomObject · 14/01/2019 09:26

Oh goodness now I'm crying - sorry all, having a bad day.

Eatmycheese · 14/01/2019 09:27

@Bunny I didn’t have children to fill a void
I didn’t have them to (to coin a dreadful phrase being used on here) wipe my arse when I am old
I didn’t have them so I had someone to look after me when I am older

I had them because I fell deeply in love with someone and had tonnes of sex. And we both wanted to have a child together. So we did. We have three

I have lots of friends who are parents. I also have a few who aren’t, entirely by choice. The parents don’t spend time wittering about why the ones who aren’t parents aren’t. The non parents don’t feel sorry for the parents or feel patronised by them.

What’s the big deal?

thirdhair · 14/01/2019 09:28

@RandomObject I think you should log out and lie down.

perfectstorm · 14/01/2019 09:29

For some people, it's an overwhelming biological imperative. I am one of them. I needed children in a way that's very hard to convey to someone who hasn't felt the same instinct. I have to say, they've given me more joy and more of a sense of purpose and fulfilment than anything else ever has, so for me, it was the right decision. My mum, on the other hand, never really wanted kids, hated being a parent, and it delayed and to an extent stunted the life she would really have enjoyed (she's someone who should have been a childless academic).

People are different, and what fulfils them is, too. I'm extremely glad we live in a world, now, where women who choose to be childless are far more accepted than they used to be, because it's a horrible infringement on their life choices, and bloody unfair on their kids should they have any. But my kids are truly the best choice I ever made, for me personally. I love being a mum.

Dongdingdong · 14/01/2019 09:30

Wow… getting a pet is just as time consuming! For gods sake don't get one if you can't give the time and love you would have to give a baby!

Had to lol at this. In no way is getting a pet as time consuming as having a baby!

BunnyColvin · 14/01/2019 09:31

told by several friends with children that I'm selfish and don't know what the true meaning of life is because I don't want kids

This is crapola. Honestly? Get new friends. There are many, many people who are broad-minded and live-and-let-live enough to know we don't all have to spend our infinitesimally short time on this earth doing the same thing and pursuing the same goals. Keep doing you and be proud!

Rockybooboo · 14/01/2019 09:35

I have a daughter of 7. She is my world but I have lots of friends who didn't have children. Not all through choice but some of the just didn't want them. None of them are selfish people, they have more time so get unvolved in volunteering. I enjoy being a mum but I'm too much of a worrier. So much has come to light since she was born, so many cutbacks to education, Brexit, the plastic problem, antibiotics starting to fail. When that 3 year old refugee drowned, people didn't seem to care. I have night panics that I brought her into such a horrible world and that I'm the selfish one. I wish I didn't love her so much

perfectstorm · 14/01/2019 09:36

Also sick of the "it might be my child who will wipe your bum when you are old" argument. Of all the people I know who died at a pretty old age none of them ended up in a nursing home. Most of them were still able to manage on their own at home and I am talking people in late 80's up to mid 90's.

That's a tad literal. They still needed a working age population, as we all do, to keep the infrastructure of life ticking over. The food in their fridges, their medical care, the sale and manufacture of said fridge, the maintenance of the roads and public transport, the manufacture and sale and fuelling of cars, the production, transmission and equipment necessary to watch tv, the sewerage systems, gas and electricity... our entire lives are possible because of the invisible labour of other people. All, once, someone's child.

And pensions are paid for by taxation, too. Nobody needs to have kids on an individual level, and nobody should be shamed if they have the common sense to recognise that it's not for them. But this country isn't breeding at replacement level (a good thing) which is why we need inward immigration, and it's simply denial of facts to state that you don't need other people's children, if you want any sort of quality of life in your old age, or indeed now, if you're middle aged or older.

perfectstorm · 14/01/2019 09:39

told by several friends with children that I'm selfish and don't know what the true meaning of life is because I don't want kids

These people are 1) rude, 2) stupid and 3) possibly not very happy, to need others to validate their own choices.

I have childfree friends with fantastically interesting and fulfilling lives, and I recognise that completely. They recognise that having kids has been enormously important for me, and gives me a lot of joy. That's what proper friends do: accept difference, and be happy for friends who are, themselves, happy.

treaclesoda · 14/01/2019 09:40

My bitterness comes from being told by several friends with children that I'm selfish and don't know what the true meaning of life is because I don't want kids

Your 'friends' certainly don't know the true meaning of friendship. I hope you feel strong enough to tell them that. Flowers

stuckbetweenlife · 14/01/2019 09:44

Wow some posters are to involved in other people's opinions.
Chill out and do you!
I don't like every child I come across but then again I don't like most people.
Though some of the reasons for not do sound silly but if they are good enough for you then that's all that matters.
Wiping a snotty nose every 30 seconds, wow never had to do that. And being selfish well that works both ways, being children in to this world could be classed as selfish.
Remember people don't actually know you on here so don't get so hurt.

OMGafourth · 14/01/2019 09:58

But how is that selfish?! I really don't understand that mindset. Why would someone intentionally bring children into this world if they weren't wanted? If you choose not to, that decision should be respected. Tbh it's got naff all to do with anyone else!
People give me the rage!!! I hope you're feeling better soon 💐

cerysmummy · 14/01/2019 10:01

I was never maternal - but once I had my daughter I couldn't imagine life without her - although my life would be a lot less stressful and I would have a lot more money lol.
What I find a bit odd is that there are quite a few people on mumsnet that aren't parents - I thought that was the whole point of the site? lol

peachchair · 14/01/2019 10:04

A complete irrational feeling I had after an abortion. Desperately desperately wanted one after choosing not to go through with my first pregnancy.
Absolutely love my dd so much although have to admit for some of the reasons you’ve stated I’ve stopped at one Grin

islanderin · 14/01/2019 10:09

Mumsnet is a great resource to connect with people. You don't have to have children to be a Mum. I agree with OP. I wish I had babies, I lost 2, and I waited too long for the right guy.

M3lon · 14/01/2019 10:39

The only explanation for people embarking on having kids despite all the available evidence of it being a terrible idea is....brainwashing.

Maybe if all the people who have kids (me included) stopped feeling like they had to keep telling people how wonderful it is and how #blessed they are (when it isn't and they aren't) it would help the next generation have a more balanced view of babies.

Some people really do enjoy it...for a lot of people it was the wrong choice and not a mistake they can afford to own.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 14/01/2019 10:43

What is important and what is enjoyable is subjective. I’d take my daughter over loads of moolah and holidays any day.
I have true value and meaning in my life thanks to my daughter.
I no longer cling to ambition to have ridiculous amount of materialistic items as you seem to.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 14/01/2019 10:45

Just for reference - I’m not brain washed or feel obliged to talk about the wonders of parenting.
Parenting is hard - yes. But anything in life worth having is hard work.
I’m a single parent to a disabled child, I work full time and I adore being a mum.

Hudson123 · 14/01/2019 10:50

It’s called Mumsnet....why would you be interested in it if you’re not a Mum?
Hmm

BunnyColvin · 14/01/2019 10:52

Sarahrellyboo1987 the people I know without children are very fufilled people, but not materialistic at all. Not sure what point you're making?
Lots of folk have true value and meaning in their lives without children.

I'm sure many parents love being parents. Nobody has to justify that or go on the defensive surely?

merrymouse · 14/01/2019 10:52

Loads of people discuss things on MN that have nothing whatsoever to do with children.

M3lon · 14/01/2019 10:53

'I;m not brainwashed'

I mean...you realise why this is a totally stupid thing to say right? The whole point of being brainwashed is you don't recognise the extent of it?

We are ALL brainwashed all the time because we are social animals being told day in day out what we need to think in order to fit in. Its a powerful force in all our lives...and that was before social media happened.

I'm happy you made the right choice for you. I didn't make the right choice for me. I thought having kids made sense because I had lived my entire life under the all pervading assumption that I would, once I had established my career, obviously have a family.

Some people have a genuine affinity for children...others assume (because they are told it numerous times) that even though they don't feel any affinity for children, they will spontaneously develop it when they have their own. Some of those people do...I did to a certain extent. But that really isn't enough to go on when making such a life changing decision...a vague feeling that even though you don't really see any upside in having children it will probably pan out okay.