...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

Worlds most cathartic thread, just reading them 😄

*MsMustDoBetter Fri 11-Jan-19 22:40:53
This thread began as funny, but now I'm just fucking depressed.

Why are so many men so fucking selfish/lazy/lame?*

Because the world in general will not stop turning if a toilet is clean or not, And maybe they have a point but I do still find the thread funny.

I will, when looking for my own stuff that no-one but me has touched, stand in the centre of the room and if it doesn’t immediately fly into my hand on its own accord, I’ll declare it lost forever.

I'm going to forget that the dishwasher doesn't reach out its invisible arms , pick up the plates and mugs left randomly about the house and load itself.

Oh yes. The snoring. I will snore like a warthog, to the stage that DP is contemplating whether a lengthy prison sentence would be worth it. I will then stop breathing just long enough for DP to worry and nudge me, thinking I've actually died. I will then grunt and resume my snoring/stop breathing malarkey, until the creeping light of dawn heralds the start of another day in paradise.

I will work until 7.45pm precisely every evening. Because sen child goes to bed at 8pm and I do the important job of spending 15 mins putting him to bed. I tell my partner how lucky she is as I’m a senior manager and it’s a big deal to get back by this time.

Although I like a long lunch break.

I can then say that I’m in daily contact, despite not even seeing him in the morning as my partner seems to be up before me and child off to school before I have finished carefully trimming my beard.

I say hello to my son but then I have to go upstairs to get changed. I’m back down a few minutes before 8 though. Although I’m so stressed from work I often just nap. My wife seems to think she has to remind me to put the child to bed. She’s so uptight.

My son gets very irritable and doesn’t want to go to bed. I don’t really know how to cope with it, I leave that to my wife. However I’ve got really angry if she tries to advise me. I once just said we need a divorce because she said I was upsetting our son each bedtime. She is really bossy.

My son goes a bit crazy when I put him to bed. And then I do need to use the bathroom for 40 minutes. And sometimes just fall asleep upstairs. When I get up I sometimes play with our son in his room. I miss him as I’ve been at work. My wife says it’s not fair as he needs to wind down and sleep and sends mixed signals but I just like a hug from him.

When I get down to eat my dinner my wife says she’s tired as it’s nearly 10pm then. I don’t mind I like to play Xbox or watch tv until midnight. I feel like I’ve done 3 hours childcare on top of work so I can ignore anything else that’s going on.

And if DW continually complains about says snoring (hears even between floors in occasion) and her lack of sleep, I will become immediately defensive. I will brook no discussion about possible resolutions.

I will never be able to read or understand a single recipe, despite managing complex relationships and spreadsheets.

My ex partner, rang me to ask where he put something in his mom's house

PinaColada1 - and a slow turn into a gender debate.

It’s just my life. Unfortunately.

I will use three bath towels when I shower, one to wrap myself in, one to stand on and one to dry myself 'because my body gets wetter than anybody else's'

I will drape said towels over the shower rail because nobody else in the house will require a shower.

I might shout like a dickhead and make as much as noise as I can possibly manage when wife/adult DD (who are nurses) are trying to get some sleep after a night duty on a Saturday afternoon.

After all I was in bed at 2300 hours and up with the lark, whilst the lazy women in the family lounge around in bed all day. It is my day off and the weather is too cold to indulge in my usual Saturday pursuit of fishing for carp that I just throw back in the lake afterwards. It is a "sport" you know?

men eh-dont kow why they bother with marriage and kids most of them sound like they dont want to be there

the sneexing thing completely throws me why is it so loud

@Queenofthedrivensnow because we all know DC react well when presents are unfair and unpredictable.

When I say to my DW I've emptied the dishwasher for you, she says, you fucking live here too, you're emptying it for both of us. It's my job now to empty the dishwasher.
When I say to my DW I would have done that, take the bin out, put the recycling out, feed the dogs, fill their water bowl, bring a massive bag of dog food into the house, pick up all of the dogshit in the back yard, I will become affronted when she says, well why the fuck didn't you do it. I will then realise that I'm an adult and if I use my eyes and common sense. I could make mine and her life easier. Even though I'm old now I will realise that life is easier if we work together and I will discover yet again that although my DW loves me she is not taking any more shit

I will take out several jars of jam, honey and marmalade each morning to choose between having on my 2 pieces of toast. I will finish breakfast and leave the table with an important distant look, leaving the jars on the table.
I will deny I do this when DW challenges me.

Stardustinmyeyes

Back in the early 1970s when my Mum finally went back to work after years of being SAHM/servant, I recall a discussion about possibly getting a dishwasher for the family.

(DF did not EVER wash the dishes, he found it almost impossible to make a cup of tea, after years of having a wife servant).

DFs very witty response was "why would I need a dishwasher? bwahahaha I married one bwhahahahaha".

Men are rarely so blatant in their sexist expectations around domestic work these days, but it seems not much else has really changed.

I'll leave for work with the kitchen in the type of mess only a toddler and a just weaning baby can create. I'll arrive home from work to find an immaculately clean kitchen and a wonderful dinner, despite my DH being at home with 2 under 2.
I'll then bring the dirty plates in after dinner and put them in the dishwasher and then tell my DH that "I cleaned the kitchen" and await my medal.

On a Saturday will announce very loudly and proudly when I have done a load of washing, and then await the roaring cheers from my adoring crowd. A day or so later I will go to the machine to transfer my triumphant load of washing into the tumble dryer- but the washing isn't there. I will be confused. I will find DH and ask him what has happened to the washing, and tell him he needn't have put it in the dryer as I was taking care of all the washing. He will tell me he did need to do that, as he has done 2 more loads since then. But this can't be true, Because I, "was taking care of the washing FOR HIM". I mean, it might have been 90% our kids clothes and my clothes, but I was still doing it for him.

I will then go for a poo that will take about an hour, or till match of the day starts.

I will come home from work, strip off everything that's making me too hot, strew them around the living room, spend the rest of the evening complaining about being cold as though previously shed clothes had magically become invisible, then leave them all there when I go to bed. BEcause they are invisible, obviously.

OrigamiZoo

My adult DD also does this, having lived at home up until now, 27 years of age.

DD will move out at the beginning of next month to start a new job and finally live away from home. We will miss her of course, but not the wet towel pile.

I have purchased a large number of towels in the Asda sale, (£5 for a decent size bath sheet), as a leaving pressie. I cannot wait to see what happens when DD discovers all are wet and dirty and she needs to either use the damp towels or remember to put them in the wash!

Don't forget to always be "asleep" when the kids wake at night.

Winterberriesonatree

We are all a product of the time we grew up in but if you are faced with sexist shit just make it clear where the line is. If you don't have respect for yourself then how can you expect someone to respect you.
I'm older and wiser now and I refuse to be treated as a servant just because I'm female

I will do overtime as much as possible which means my DP is solely looking after DS for the majority of weekends, I expect this not to be a problem and for her to do whatever needs doing because she is at home.

When she is busy at home with her second job I will give her grief that it's all she's focussed on even though it's earning money just like my overtime does, obviously it's different because she is at home and stil should fit in cleaning and cooking.

I will say I'm going to make dinner, then ask my dh how to make it every step of the way so he can't leave the kitchen, then claim it's his turn to do the dishes as I made dinner.

I will do five lots of washing and after every load shove the wet washing into laundry baskets. I will not hang any of it out, fold it or put it away. Then I will tell everyone that the only reason the washing gets done is because I go through it every weekend.

I am going to tell my spouse we need to leave the house at 4pm for my best friend’s birthday BBQ. I will lie on the couch while my spouse catches, washes, wrangles and dresses 3 small children. When spouse heads to car with 3 small children at 3.55pm I am going to say we don’t need to leave till 4.45 as we don’t want to be the first ones there.