...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

I tried all of these 25 - 30 years ago and it went horribly wrong and I discovered my husband has not one single fuck to give. I still have a little life left in me though, but I'm also a slow learner. Three days ago I left one of those spent fabric conditioner sheets on the stairs to see what he'd do and it's still there. What was I thinking? 25 - 30 years ago, when I still had some real fire in my belly, I pushed over the bin on the back lawn and he didn't notice.

I’m going to scream for help when dealing with a minor child-related emergency (e.g. poosplosion, slight injury), rather than Just Getting On and Fucking Dealing With It like my wife does every single day.

I’m also going to wait until she has finally sat down for 5 minutes of total peace, before making fucking inane statements and/or asking her ridiculous questions which don’t actually need answering Right Now

Being emotionally stable and not subject to swings in mood / hormone levels.

I’m going to stick my head in the fridge and yell “WHERE IS THE BUTTER” and keep saying “i cant find it” when its in front of my nose.

For context, it is a standard fridge with three shelves FFS

I'm going to go for an hour long bath and leave the towels in soaking heaps at the end of the bed,then go out for a two hour cycle.When I get home, I will have another bath, then make a stinky curry for my dinner, making sure to cover the splashback and hob with half of said curry, it's OK though, we have a self cleaning kitchen.( And a self cleaning bath)

I will go out to buy some essential thing, walk in the shop, spend about 3 seconds having a quick scan around then leave as the shop obviously doesn't have what I want.No, I won't ask a shop assistant for help, that would make me look stupid.

I won't need to need to ask for directions,ever,as I never get lost.If I end up in the wrong place, it will be because the road signs were wrong.
I will load the dishwasher.Maybe.Occassionally. But I won't scrape the plates first and I'll make sure I load from the front and put the tall spoons pointing upwards so they stop the water sprayer from actually doing it's job.
I will declare on a regular basis that I am not a fussy eater and will eat anything.Although I won't eat lamb, beef, cheese, fruit of any kind, cream, eggs, pickled anything,chips, anything with a sauce - apart from curry -curry is good.

Be harder working and more energetic, know how to do so many practical things around the house and also earn enough to keep th

Be harder working and more energetic, know how to do so many practical things around the house and also earn enough to keep the whole family without my wage if needed, but I'd be a bit more grumpy and impatient too I suppose

From day one I will be a model nurse to my sick DW. I will pop in regularly asking if there is anything I can get her. This will not extend to a nutritional cooked meal. On day three I will stop nursing and move on to a more interesting project.

I will announce that I was "good" as I've washed up the wok that DW cooked supper in, then ask if she's ok when she doesn't praise me.

I will leave crockery next to the dishwasher rather than in it.

Divorce my own arse because no one should put up with this shit

This made me laugh so loud that I woke DP up.

I'm going to start "getting up early to get stuff done" and promptly go back to sleep on the sofa.

I will wait until my DH comes home from work and declare that I hadn't made tea because I didn't know what he was thinking if cooking, even though I have had 2 whole hours to think about it. By this time it will be 6.30 and the children will all be staving hungry because I also will not have given them any snacks because I am incapable of making toast. I will then get pissy when DH gets upset and tell him he should be grateful I picked the children up for him.

I will also remove myself from thinking /caring about any child related activity. I will not be involved in anything to do with the children, their school, activities or clubs and will react with thinly veiled boredom if I have to attend any event related to these.

Jesus Christ these men are all so shit, it’s infuriating. Nothing will ever change while they are allowed to behave like this in their own homes.

I will watch YouTube/snapchat/twitter videos at full volume on my phone. Whilst forcing the rest of the family to watch some god awful documentary series on TV.

I will feel very proud of myself for putting the clean washing away and expect much gratitude. Even though I only actually put my own things away because I obviously don't know where anybody else's stuff goes, and cannot possibly peek in the drawers to work it out. So I'll just leave it on the bed instead for the resident laundry expert to find later (when she does the next lot).

Me too! after 3 weeks off work at Christmas dh had a mad rush last Sunday to iron shirts that had sat in the extra basket I bought especially to keep them in as none had magically appeared on the rail.

The bags and sleeping bags still sit on the stairs from last weekend....

I will put on a load of washing as an annual event (usually when I am going on a work trip or weekend away) and then carefully pick out just my own items to hang up and dry, leaving my DH to find a load of damp smelly clothes hours later that now need to be washed again....

I will ask my partner what he intends doing today. Obviously the kitchen being spotless, the floors cleaned and vacuumed, windows being clean and all laundry done and away is courtesy of the fairies.

Then despite us having our own responsibilities at the book club that we run, I'll demand help with some admin pass the chores over and then take full credit for doing said admin. I'll also wonder incredulously why partner's tasks are still undone. I'll then suggest better ways of organising time and draw up a spreadsheet. This spreadsheet will necessitate a cup of coffee which will be spilled on the clean counter, biscuits for thoughtful chomping while waiting for kettle to boil and then at least 30 minutes looking at football results on bbc sport. Maybe go for a poo, too. I can then come downstairs and say that there is one empty toilet roll tube on the cistern that I put just there and expect it gone immediately. When sitting down to dinner that I didn't shop for, prepare or cook, I'll ask if the spreadsheet ever got done (in tones of "I know it won't) despite said spreadsheet being totally unnecessary. If it then appears that partner is a touch stressed I'll decide it must be "that" week.

I will put dh’s clean underwear and socks in our small dcs drawers despite being told repeatedly that they clearly aren’t theirs. And look wounded because I was putting the washing away.

I will take on the huge task of ironing the dcs school uniform but god forbid that I’ll make sure there’s enough clean uniform. Or actually iron it daily, leaving DH to rush around finding stuff 30 mins before we need to leave. Because my offer was enough.

I’ll have a lie in every weekend, nap at every opportunity then be offended when dh asks for a decent lie in. My lie in will be until 10am and I’ll wake up dh with a cup of tea at 8am. But that’s ok as I made her tea.

You know the traits you clearly think only your beloved OH has, it’s refreshing to read it’s a shared thing 😂🙈

Oh this is a funny thread...
I’m going to wash up (because I was in the Navy, where I learnt to do soooo many things)
And then leave the dirty water in especially if it contains tomato and oil so that my dear parter will see that I have washed up because lets face it, how could you tell otherwise !

And not be able to eat crisps etc without getting loads down the sofa cracks and on the floor... cant wait

I'll nip to the supermarket for a couple of essential items.

While there, I'll spend ages looking for special offer bargains, doing complex calculations to work out that prepacked baking potatoes are 0.000001p cheaper than buying the loose potatoes (as requested), scanning the shelves for new and "interesting" products, especially sweets and soft drinks, and rummaging on the reduced counter for things that are so cheap I have to buy them because "It would be silly not to" even though they are foodstuffs that neither of us like. This means that what should normally take 20 minutes is a 90 minute job.

While I'm faffing about in the supermarket, DP will strip and change the bed, do 2 loads of washing and hang it out, fold and put away another 2 loads of washing, hoover half the house, empty the bin, run the dishwasher, empty it and put all the stuff away, tidy and clean the kitchen and sometimes cut the bloody grass as well.

When I get back from the shops I will put the shopping away, then slump on the sofa claiming that I'm knackered after my arduous trip to Asda.

I will define everyone else’s stuff as clutter, sigh heavily and move things grumpily out of my way, whilst insisting that my own slagheaps remain undisturbed, occasionally adding items like a particularly nerdy pack rat. My heaps can be dated chronologically, some reaching back a decade or more.

While there, I'll spend ages looking for special offer bargains, doing complex calculations to work out that prepacked baking potatoes are 0.000001p cheaper than buying the loose potatoes

I’ll do this then shove a load of unnecessary and expensive items like ready made meals in and wonder why our food shop costs so much and bemoan spending any money on the dcs.

I was beginning to think I was married to a freak until this one:

Oh and if I get home from work first I will look up expectantly when DW struggles in 2 hours later with bags of shopping and ask what's for supper

When I was long term single my friend was moaning about her DH (pretty much most of this thread). I suggested it wasn't so much a [her DH name] but a man thing. It turns out I was right!