...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

@Quantumblue I'll raise you buying gifts for some of the dc friends and not others just to compound social awkwardness

Oh and if I get home from work first I will look up expectantly when DW struggles in 2 hours later with bags of shopping and ask what's for supper

I will leave my shoes/trainers directly in front of the shoe rack. I wear a different pair each day.

I will never know what to dress the baby in despite him wearing essentially the same thing every day. I will never put a bib on him either and act surprised when his top is soaked through with dribble.

My wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink - must read for shitty husbands and their long suffering wives:
mustbethistalltoride.com/?s=Dishes+by+the+sink&submit=Search

I will babysit our kids.

I will tie up the bin bag and leave it in the bin. Taking it outside is a job for another day, because now I am busy asking my wife ridiculous questions which I really should know the answer to because I am a fully grown man (eg does DS have a hat?). I will probably also have a meltdown at the state of the house at some point and go around tidying, not putting anything where they belong, just anywhere there is space, think bank statements in underwear drawer kind of thing. Will probably declare that I won't bother helping when my wife is so ungrateful and I'm so bloody exhausted with all of this I now need a nap whilst the children run wild when she is preparing the dinner I just could not decide I wanted.

I'm going to believe that all toilets are self cleaning and that duvet covers miraculously change themselves.

30 seconds before someone else dishes up dinner is the time to go out and tinker in the shed, right?

It actually is quite depressing isn’t.

I will also never clean the toilet or put away a single toy or children’s item, I don’t know where any of them go! But I will spend 2 hours washing up and somehow soaking the whole of the kitchen in the process and sulk if I don’t receive enough appreciation for all that work.

I will also leave every cereal box open so they go crappy and quite often leave them with just the crumbs and neither replace them nor mention to anyone they’ve run out, because there were at least 5 flakes left!

I will watch DP rushing about doing stuff, from the comfort of the sofa. Tell him to leave it, sit down for a bit, we'll do all that later. Safe in the knowledge that there will be no fucking 'we' about it.

are we members of a polygamous cult :) as we all seem to be married to the same man.
Oh I will carefully organise things to make sure it all works for all members of the family & my partner to say "I don't know why you are worried everything always works out fine" (contemplates murder each time) or "where is the vacuum cleaner?" (do you live here? the bloody thing is too big to miss)
(my mum found story" old man celebrating 60th wedding anniversary, someone asks have you ever thought of divorce? he says "divorce never, murder frequently!" - I bet his wife said same thing!

I’ll wait for my dh to go into the kitchen, and when he puts the radio on and also the kettle,I’ll start shouting questions from where I’m sitting in the living room.
When he shouts back he can’t hear me, I’ll still stay in my seat and shout other questions. I’ll then look wounded when he appears looking pissed off asking why I always wait until he leaves the room to ask random questions.

I will have a severe cold on 23 December and lie on the sofa while my wife loads up the car with most of the luggage including all the presents for my own family. She then drives 150m through atrocious traffic and weather to the hotel that she has booked and paid for.

All I had to do was remember to put two things in the car: my own bag, which was the only thing I packed, and her present.

One out of two ain’t bad.

@TheDHAnd YES! Even if said I’ll illnesses are unrelated. I swear if I ever survive a heart attack, DH will die of a stroke that day just to one up me

I will become a wizard at click-bait format conversation. Essential information will only be shared at the very end of a very long and detailed account. Even if the information is needed quickly, these things cannot be rushed.

I will become physically unable to turn lights off (though remain very talented at turning them on, even when it's daytime) and then talk for hours about how we're all screwed due to climate change

I’ll go for a piss about 7 times during the night, but never flush it, even though there’s no danger of it waking anyone up, meaning that whoever goes to the bathroom first in the morning gets a nice toilet full of beer-like stinky piss to greet them.

While I’m at it, I’ll obviously piss on the floor too so that there’s sploshes for everyone else to stand in, because they like that. Adds to the overall aroma too.

I will complain of having sore bollocks. Approx every 26 days. As whenever I've got stomach cramps, apparently he gets them too. I can't even have the monopoly on periods!

I will never unpack a suitcase.

I will order the foreign currency before going on holiday. That will be my only input. I will get to my destination, sipping a cocktail on a lounger and think how much all the hassle organising everything was worth it.

I don't even know where to start. Outside of domestic chores, he's wonderful. And he's genuinely remorseful when he realises he's been an arse. But I broke down into tears for a solid half an hour tonight because of it.

So.....

I will come in the door and complain about the meds and get shirty for being asked to help my partner who is wrangling two kids with SEN while she's been very poorly all week, whilst asking why X y and Z haven't been done, all the while ignoring the number of things my partner HAS done, thus provoking my partner to write a list two lengths of an A4 lined piece of paper long, of all the chores broken down into parts, which are required to be undertaken every single day.

Mess, not meds

I will sit in the back room on my laptop and say that i'm working, thus avoiding any childcare. Really I will be watching things blow up on youtube and looking at cars that the family won't fit in.
When I am coerced into doing the weekly shop I will not be able to find anything on the actual list. I will however, find loads of shit we don't normally buy that sends the kids spinning, and spend twice as much on half as much food and a ukelele. I will remember the tampons though. It's just they'll be tiny teenage ones and no bloody use.

And i'm going to snore like a behemoth and then insist I was not.

I will stand looking out at the garden and exclaim how I can take it no longer and need to do it on my next day off. Two days before every day off. I will neither do it or stop threatening to do it.

And when i cook i will use every single pan and bowl and utensil. Every single one.