...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

Bearbehind, I don't, I yell "I'm not the office manager/Google/Alexa/Siri!" or say "The answer's the same as the last time you asked me".

If I go in the shower and there’s not a bath mat in the floor, I shall just use the nice hand towel instead.

If I get a long lie I shall get up and only make my half of the bed! (which requires some skill!)

I will ask a question then immediately go to another room of the house to do something that simply cannot wait 5 seconds, whilst yelling "sorry love I can't hear you".

I will fill the tumble drier until the door barely shuts then act incredulous that nothing is dry half an hour later.

I will ask my partner to take the kids out for the whole day so I can clean the house, then spend most of the day napping and playing computer games. When my partner returns home after 6 hours, exhausted from child wrangling, and finds only one room partially cleaned I will tell her earnestly all about the very important email I had to reply to, which took up most of the day.

Agree with MsMustDoBetter, this thread was funny at first but now I feel angry and sad.

I will help out by shopping for tea once in a blue moon, and act surprised when my wife tells me that 8 chicken breasts and 4 packs of posh noodles are a lot of food for 2 adults and a child, and they cost half the weekly budget. I will declare, ‘I will never, ever bother again!’

Although "a face like a melted welly" has made it all worth while. My new favourite phrase for sure!

Lose all ability to cover/wrap food before it goes in the fridge. Especially the cheese. Imma gonna let that go lovely and hard so most of it has to be binned.

I will wipe my toothpaste covered face on the hand towel every time I clean my teeth and then complain that being asked to change the handtowels twice in the same year is ridiculous.

I will fill food recycling waste bags up to the top and not tie them up because the elves are happy to clean two inches of sludge fron the bottom of the bin every time it is emptieda nd my convenience is the only relevant factor.

I will change the baby out of shitty clothes and put them in the washing machine but not wash them or inform anyone so a week later when DW puts the washing on before bed she finds week old shitty pissy clothes

I will put the baby to bed half an hour early because he's crying, and there's definitely no reason for it, I'm busy watching television, he must just not like this programme.

I will get the bags of shopping out of the car then dump them on the kitchen table and forget all about them because they can unpack themselves, surely?

I'll announce I'll get the children ready to go out, and then continuously ask basic questions I can't be bothered to think about myself even though I know the answers such as whose coat this is, what shoes should they wear, is it cold outside so do they need a hat,(answer: I DON'T KNOW!! STAND OUTSIDE AND SEE IF IT'S COLD!!!), where are their gloves. Etc etc.

With a big pause in between for checking the football results on Sky.

Oh, I'll put my work clothes in the washing basket on Friday night, then realise at 11pm on Sunday that that actually wasn't sufficient to wash, dry, and iron them. I will stay up until 3am doing this and then mope around like a beaten puppy dog when I have to go to work the next day tired with damp trousers. If only there was some way that situation could be avoided. If only...

I shall do the vacuuming once in a while but leave the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the floor, still plugged in to the wall for the next 3 hours so DW knows I vacuumed for her.

I will standby and watch my other half come home from a full day at work, cook tea, try to stop the toddler diving into the oven, Hoover, tidy up and juggle the household chores until she finally loses her shit... i will then say to her “you only needed to ask...”

I will insist on watching every single football match possible and fall asleep after half an hour. If my wife tries to change the channel I will wake up and exclaim indignantly that I was watching it, stay awake for 2 minutes, then fall asleep, and repeat as often as necessary until the full 90 minutes is up.

I shall cram my screwed-up wet bath towel behind the radiator in the bathroom, so it sits there in a giant damp festering lump rather than drying out.

I promise to scatter used batteries randomly around the house.

Laundry is so easy - in fact you don't even have to smooth things out and pull them into shape after taking them out of the machine - just chuck them over the clothes horse any old how so that they dry all crinkled and with totally immovable creases in them.

Present-buying is for cissies.

I will come home from work every day and greet my beloved with the words:

"So....... what have you been doing all day while I've been out working?"

I will unpack the shopping by taking every item out of the bag and leave it all on the kitchen bench. I will take the one item that needs to go to a different room, like loo paper, and wander off with it, get distracted and not return until all the shopping has been put away.
I will insist on eating rich food at restaurants and drinking lots of wine with terrible digestive consequences even though I am being treated by a specialist for a whole range of digestive issues.

To book a cottage out in the middle of nowhere 10 months in advance then on the day when we get in the car start fannying around setting the sat nav up, forgetting the address. Gives me THE RAGE!

I shall stand in the middle of the room and ask helpful questions such as 'has dd had her teeth brushed yet this morning?'

I dunno, she's 9 so why don't you ask her?

When we go out for dinner, I will inhale my main course, then when DP declares the portion too big, I'll swap plates to eat the leftovers. Leaving DP looking like a greedy bugger, sitting with a clear plate while I'm still eating.

I will spam my ex with videos of my baby trying to walk labelled 'for dd' though it's 9.03am and she's clearly at school for the next 6 hours

I will buy presents for my family. I will buy massively expensive presents for random members that we do not usually exchange presents with. Then nothing for their siblings. For nieces and nephews I will buy items that are the wrong age, by at least 5 years. I like to vanish for most of Christmas Eve for this shopping, especially if we are hosting.

I can’t believe how many of you have the same life as me!

I will ignore anything my children ask for or need and in fact fall asleep instead of doing any of the said things.

I will not make any plans for anything EVER and instead every Saturday morning ask “what are we doing this weekend”

Yes, depressing - thankfully DH not guilty of many of these, but:

I will stroll past shops full of toiletries on my many opportunities to leave my central London office during the day, and ensure that DW who works full time in a suburban clinic seeing patients back to back and rarely has 10 mins to eat a sandwich is required to purchase all my razor blades and shaving foam.

And will also announce to DW that I am going out for dinner or travelling with work for a week and just assume childcare is covered, even though she also works full time

I feel strangely comforted to know we are all in the same boat but wtf why are so many men so shit and why are we putting up with this