...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

I am going to declare there is NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE when it is my turn to cook, unless I can find a jar of pasta sauce which I can heat up and throw onto pasta.

I am going to put all my clothes on the top of the laundry basket on the day the cleaner comes so that they will all get ironed (even my skanky old T shirts I only wear in bed) even though this means that my partner's blouses will be left unironed at the bottom.

I am going to leave everything in 'my space' on the table when I come in, so there is nowhere to put plates down when my OH later serves up.

When we come home from a Sunday walk I will ask "shall we have a nice cup of tea?" then disappear to change clothes, have a shit, check phone, call my parents, waste time on pc before coming downstairs just as my OH (who has got bored waiting for said cup of tea for last 30 minutes) carries it through, at which point I will put on fake dejected look and say "oh, but I was going to do that..."

I will always leave anything tricky in the washing up in the sink 'to soak' for at least 2 days.

What a horrible, sexist, disgraceful thread. I don't care if it's supposed to be a joke.

So you reckon that most men pull their weight equally with wifework?

At the weekend, if my other half is busy with a household job or helping DC with homework at 12 noon, I will immediately start an important task which will take 2 hours and be too important to stop to make lunch, but not so important that I can't stop to eat lunch once someone else has made it.

When I go out shopping on my on to the retail park I will call my partner every 15 mins to ask whether they think I should buy each piece of shit I have just seen, photographed and whatsapped to them.

Another thing I will strive to achieve is to hermetically reseal every item of food that is opened in the kitchen regardless of whether my DP uses it daily/weekly and it will never go off before it is used up.

I will leave an inch of FILTHY cold washing up water with food floating in it in the kitchen sink for a reason known only to me.

The fucking washing up. I will of course only wash the plates and leave the pans 'steeping' and as for wiping the sides down you're having a laugh arnt you??

What a horrible, sexist, disgraceful thread. I don't care if it's supposed to be a joke.
@Teateaandmoretea
Are you a man?!

I will stick my hand down my trousers and scratch my genitals whilst watching tv

@AliasGrape that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read!!

From tonight...

I will stand in the middle of the lounge and ask loudly "Who wants an omelette". No one fancies an omelette and will say so but I will carry on repeating the same question over and over.

This way, when my wife relents and offers the kids something else for dinner, I can say I offered to cook and leave her to do the actual work.

I’m going to only take my things out of the washing machine and dry them. Leaving everything else in there until DW comes home. I’ll make sure I need to take a shit just before we leave to go anywhere. I need to go to CrossFit at least 5 times a week to be with my fellow cultmembers and i’ll expect my whole family to work around that.

I know what would be a great wheeze-I'll go up for yet another shite to the bathroom and a little lie down whilst my dearest one is cooking a full Sunday dinner, but totally ignore the clean clothes in the bed waiting to be put away. I'm sure dearest won't mind when it's bedtime.

I will collect up all my dirty laundry that I’ve had hidden under the bed and put into the laundry bin, now dw has finished the 5th load of washing.

I will take the dog out for a long walk leaving dw to get the kids ready to go out for the day, breakfast, dressed, change of clothes, wet wipes, snacks, drinks, jackets, and everything you possibly need. Then return and wait impatiently in the car. What could possibly take so long?

I will go shopping for an ingredient for a planned meal. If I can’t find said ingredient, I’ll get nothing and let wife go later. Wife finds said ingredient at home but now has to shop for the rest of the ingredients.

I will wipe kitchen surfaces but never clean the floor, but I’ll hoover other floors but never wipe a surface in those rooms.

I’ll leave dw to do all the Christmas preparations, planning and shopping but I’ll step in last minute, wrap a couple of bits and label them for the wrong people. To redeem myself I’ll take down all the Christmas decorations but I’ll stuff them in shopping bags rather than the boxes they came out of and hope dw doesn’t go in loft for a year.

I shall sit on my arse gawping at the telly until the instant we're due to go out and insist that's the perfect time for a piss.

I will insist on watching the cycling/football whatever i want to watch in the living room. It is important to me and everyone else should make allowances.

Even if everyone else in the house wants to watch the film on the other side, they should go upstairs and watch it on the bedroom portable. Or wait and watch it on iplayer another time.

My wife will suggest i go upstairs as only I need to watch the cycling, and the three of them can have the sofa, how unreasonable is that?!

On Sunday mornings, when my husband is taking his only opportunity to get 45 mins of exercise, once he comes back from his run I'll loudly moan at him that I've not been able to poo or shower because he hasn't been there to mind the baby, and that now my poo has 'gone back up inside'.

(I mean WTF, does he think I don't poo or shower M-F while he is at work?!)

When i am packing to go on holiday, I will reassess the contents of my drawers and decide to fill laundry basket with thick jumpers and other assorted items that apparently need urgent washing.
Because of course, no one EVER comes home with suitcases of laundry, oh no.

When helping out with the baby in a cursory manner, such as bathing her, repeatedly trying to draw me into the activity because me sitting in the sofa having a rest cannot happen. This is veiled as me needing to enjoy the baby at all times.

When your wife is sobbing after a day of non stop screaming from the baby after jabs, refusing to even hold the baby until you have had a shower

I shall put my two infant school daughters in the wrong school uniform so when DH picks them up from after school club he will instantly wonder why one dd looks like she's in a cheerleading outfit while little dd looks like an extra from Oliver.

I will fall asleep watching TV and get really cross if someone dares to change the channel. I will claim to have been watching it. Then go back to sleep.
I will avoid getting babies & toddlers ready for the day by going in to work so early that I am gone before they all wake up. Despite my working day starting slightly later than my partner.
I will make sure that I am able to watch and play as much football as I want and plan the family calendar around it.
I will help with some housework & tell my partner that I have been 'helping' as I don't mind if the house gets messy.
I will leave all sweet wrappers, lighters, loose change on the bedside table.
I will not help at all with Christmas preparation and wonder why my partner isn't feeling festive.

I am streets ahead of all of you; I have got both remotes and the key to the PlayStation.

I will persistently lament how sad it is I don't get to enjoy 'staying home' with the baby. But, when I am in charge of said baby for longer than 30 seconds, I will either shout for help or be reduced to yelling at said baby. If unsolicited help is offered, eg. 'I think she wants the cuddly toy' or 'she hates that book,' I will sulk massively, for I am Parent Of Baby, and therefore I magically know everything there is to know about her, even though I'm out of the house and at work five days a week.

On the same note, I will repeatedly explain how best to deal with baby's temper tantrums/crying. It is irrelevant that Wife manages these things on a daily basis - she must be mistaken. I am quite sure that, on the rare occasions I need to settle baby, I must do it my way, and Wife must go away and leave us in peace. When this fails, I will demand credit for attempting to settle Now-Very-Manic Baby, and will observe to Wife, condescendingly, that Baby was clearly unlikely to settle anyway.

FWIW, my DP is a woman.

I will complain that a few hours on Saturday in town getting clothes and haircuts for DCs is a waste of a day and spend all of Sunday sitting on the sofa watching football.