...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

If I’m ever asked to help putting the shopping away I will make sure frozen items go in the fridge!

@louella99 er...are we married to the same person?

I honestly think that if my relationship ever truly disintegrates - the sock thing will be the tipping point. I don't know why it riles me so. There's something there around disrespect and lack of care, but I can't articulate it properly.

When getting ready to go out/go on holiday etc., I will wake up, take a leisurely shower, get dressed, and make a nice breakfast for myself.

I will somehow not notice that my partner has been up for the previous 2 hours, waking the children, making their breakfast, helping them get dressed, breastfeeding the baby, checking which toys/games need to be packed into handluggage, double checking passports and tickets and chasing up the taxi arrival time. I will be surprised that's she's so 'stressed' and tell her to 'just relax!'

It's beyond infuriating.

Prior to going on holiday, while my wife packs the dc stuff and ensures snacks and drinks are available for journey, that liquids are packed according to airport regulations , passports and all other paperwork are to hand etc etc.... I will wander into the bedroom, open my wardrobe, look confused and overwhelmed and say "you'll have to sort my stuff out and then me what bag to pack it in.... I don't know what to take."

I am going to start treating the kitchen like a level in a computer game where the ultimate aim is for there to be no food left at all. To ‘win’ this game I will eat anything that is even vaguely appealing to me at once and try to throw everything else out on the grounds that ‘it’s been there a while’ (‘a while’=anything over half an hour) regardless of the fact that it’s still within use by dates, is absolutely fine and was going to be used in the dinner planned for tomorrow.

Open packets are particularly dangerous therefore any packet once opened must immediately have its contents consumed (e.g. eat all the crackers with a whole block of cheese and when dp complains they’re all gone say it’s their fault as they shouldn’t buy them, cook the whole bag of oven chips for only 2 people because ‘theres no point’ saving any for next time etc) or be thrown away if I don’t for whatever reason want to eat the whole thing there and then.

If it is my turn to cook I shall go to the supermarket and buy all the ingredients needed for my chosen meal even if we already have some of them in (if my eat/bin everything approach had been working as it should there would be nothing in would there?) so that we end up with yet another jar of garam masala or tube of tomato purée. I will not be able to get a pint of milk, some loo roll or any other item not directly needed for my planned culinary feast on these shopping trips, and I am only capable of shopping for one meal at a time. I will then make a meal big enough for 16 people, of this I will eat 12 people’s worth that night and refuse to countenance saving/freezing any leftovers because again, ‘there’s no point’.

Despite this I will express surprise and confusion that my dp does not ‘meal plan’ more as Tom Kerridge said that’s what we should be doing, and fail to recognise that it is impossible to plan, shop for and prep a week’s worth of meals when you are simultaneously trying to maintain an empty fridge at all times by eating everything in one day and binning anything you don’t manage. I will also moan a lot about how much we spend on food shopping and fail to see how my empty fridge policy impacts on this.

I'm another one for pretending the bathroom doesn't need cleaning. Also pretend there's a magic fairy who:
-puts the washing on
-takes the clothes off the drier and fold / put them away
-washes the dishes and puts them away
-makes dinner
-does the hoovering
-dusts the bookcases, TV stand, chest of drawers etc
-cleans the hiking boots

Oh and spend half hour several times a day taking a shit, but typically only when DSD is around

I will also leave it until the morning of a holiday to pack my things thus delaying us leaving and upon return from said holiday will leave my suitcase in the dining room for several weeks

Taking out the recycling is a multi-day task that cannot be rushed. I will start by letting it really build up in the kitchen. Then I'll put it in the hall so that I can "take it out when I go out later" but will walk past it for a couple of days. Next it might make it to the patio to sit for a while. If it does make it to the actual recycling bin, it will be mixed up with stuff that isn't recyclable and I'll leave the lid off so all the paper is sodden and has to go to landfill.

30 seconds before someone else dishes up dinner is the time to go out and tinker in the shed, right?

It depends - has the cook given a five-minute warning ("I'm putting the dinner out now - get your hands washed it'll be on the table in FIVE MINUTES!"). If so, then 3 and half minutes before serve-up time is traditionally acceptable to start fannying on doing things that are far from vital and could indeed have been done before, or after the meal, or even on a different day.

Obviously, either way the shed-tinkerer customarily arrives after the third call, when everyone else is nearly finished and then complains because it is cold/ congealed/ there isn't enough gravy left# and pointedly warm it up in the microwave

• despite being covered with a plate.

gravy is almost regarded as a beverage Chez Schadenfreude - you snooze, you lose

When we are going for a trip out I will not check the route beforehand. I will simply switch the satnav on and blindly follow her instructions. Given our location this inevitably takes us through central London which is always gridlocked rather than the more sensible option of the M25 round the outside. Despite this happening a number of times now, I will always remain surprised that this is the way she tells us to go.

I will make all hot beverages at any time requested, however it will be preceded by a 20 minute shit.

Whenever there is anything resembling reality tv on the telly I will hover in the vicinity with my mouth open. I will declare it rubbish and ask who are these people that I know nothing of and what are they doing? I can keep this up for a whole programme.

The paper I will pick up whilst having coffee with my DW in Waitrose will be the Daily Fail, which I consider to be the absolute scum of the earth, full of z list celebrities and Tory wankers. I will curse it loudly whilst reading it cover to cover.

I am going to leave the key in the outside of the front door and go to work.
I already do this, and leave the lights on. I'm clearly succeeding.
I'm going to tidy up 10% of a pile of stuff and say the rest "isn't mine". No, the random computing and school letters aren't mine either, you know?

*colouring. Not computing.

Just telling DH when I am travelling with work and leaving it up to him to sort out childcare, meals, dog etc. If he doesn't need to check with me before planning a trip, nor should I.
Yes! This gets me every time

I'm going to wear a ridiculous hat on the grounds that no one laughed at David Beckham when he wore one.

I will be quite useful most of the time except:

I will not look at or follow written instructions of any sort. Example:
When helping the youngest DC with his visual training stuff I will not look at the folder my beloved has set up. I will get arsey if it is suggested. I will get even arsier when DC reports that all the exercises aren’t done and I am asked to do the job properly. All of this is laid out in the folder I don’t like to read.

If I listen to the DC read, I will write it in the diary about 50% of the time. This keeps my beloved on their toes.

I will maintain an unshakeable belief that my other half has a long list of people who enjoy looking after our DC during school holidays etc. I will be comforted by the thought that these (imaginary) people are especially enthusiastic to help at short notice, say on days I said I’d cover but 48hrs before I announce I can’t do. (TBF, he did this twice in one summer and was left with no uncertainty over how I felt about it. He hasn’t done it again since, but only because I went postal)

I will tell my DW to join a new club because i want her to be more than a sahm and have her own life. But i will then be utterly furious that not only does she LOVE this club but has made amazing friendships there and then dare to continue going to the club i told her to join.

Then should she need to do an extra half a day, or couple of hours of an evening for said activity 4 times a year i will throw a wobbly that she spends "all her time" there & clearly doesnt love me anymore as she wont spend her every waking moment with me & the kids.

Then, when she becomes totally unreasonable & irrantional by going out with friends from said activity for a social evening rather than actual club activity i will be aghast that she still doesn't want to spend time with me, and I'll especially sulk if this means she gets back late & doesnt want sex because she should ALWAYS want sex.

However, i will randomnly announce my own social diary with very little notice and my DW has the audacity to be supportive and not moan about me doing anything. How can she support me in this, she clearly doesnt love me as much as i love her and im gonna tell her so.

I will be unable to cook anything for DC that isnt frozen pizza, or pizza takeaway.

I'll never remember to feed the cats the 2 evenings out of 7 that DW asks me to (and only when my work shifts allow) because she is daring to go to the club i told her to join. Then when she dares to ask me if i have fed the cats at 10pm I'll tell her i was just about to do it even though I've had 3 furry animals begging all evening. But tbh, the noise of my xbox drowns them out.

www.countrylife.co.uk/country-life/10-best-tottering-gently-cartoons-25-years-brilliance-173970/10

In a nutshell

I'm going to not do any admin ever, and assume that my children will magically be able to pay for their school lunches, remain in blissful ignorance of all paperwork for school activities, turn a blind eye to all bills etc.

I will only buy random knocked off food in the supermarket, without awareness of whether we need this or even anyone likes it. I will happily assume the fridge and cupboards magically restock themselves with all essentials. I will likewise assume all social activities and after school activities and holidays organise themselves and that birthday presents for my own relatives appear by magic.

If I get lost when out or can't find something in a shop, I will NEVER EVER ask anyone for directions because then they might spot I'm not a real man or something.

And now thanks to you Schaden I am coveting an Aga even though I know its main purpose would be to give DH somewhere to conveniently warm his pants.

Great thread!!

I am coveting an Aga even though I know its main purpose would be to give DH somewhere to conveniently warm his pants

You can sit and gaze at it adoringly, too, flease - and I understand that it is useful for keeping newborn lambs warm if their mothers reject them.

I have to admit that an Aga is my dream machine, too, even though I also know it would end up as a sock-and-pants warmer, and the need to foster newborn lambs is a rare one in Newcastle.

*fleas, not fleas

Must have been thinking of the lambs . . .

AND NOW IT WON'T LET ME DELIBERATELY MIS-SPELL!!!

I HATE YOU AUTOCORRECT!!!!

HATE YOU, HATE YOU, HATE YOU!!!!!!!