...to pretend the bathroom door is soundproof in an effort to “be more dad”?

[Gyaradose]

DH has been pretending this for several years now so I’m thinking of adopting this strategy.

Will also work on developing clutter blindness and an inability to open the fridge and transfer what has been seen into a viable meal for children.

Any others?

I will extravagantly promise my beloved a lie in and a cooked breakfast. Then, when I cop a bad egg, I will run around making retching noises and force said beloved out of bed to deal with it because “....... I just.... I just.... oh my god..... the stink....”. Once she has dealt with it and returned to bed, I will bring her a piece of cold toast and a cup of stewed tea as “I don’t think I can face cooking now”

Bit specific and about 17 years ago, but i’m still pissed off!

I'll take the baby so my partner can get some stuff done but I will follow them around the house so that he's constantly fussing and reaching for them rather than take him off somewhere and play with him.

I will spring out of bed at the first beep of the alarm Monday-Friday.

But on Saturdays, my day to get up with the kids, I will mysteriously be able to sleep through 90 minutes of them rolling around in the bed going 'Daddy please can we get up noooowwwww'

I'll never ask my husband how his day was when I get in. Instead I'll just talk about lorries for a long time and see any hint of pretend interest as a cue to keep on for another half an hour.

I might lose the ability to do all of the washing up, conveniently leaving the dirtiest dishes on the side because 'this water is done'...get some more sodding water then, it is right there in the tap!

I will also lose the ability to do anything/have energy for anything for more than two days at a time. DP is currently on paternity (I'm a SAHM) for our two week old and had a lovely lie in until 11.30 this morning while I did everything for the four children, you know, after giving birth rather traumatically and then being up for the night feeds. He then chased me (gently!) out of the kitchen where I was about to do the washing up because 'I will do it', then sat on his bum on his phone for an hour...I could have done the washing up by now!

He is also doing 'old man voice' and 'pathetic shuffling'...so if you hear of anyone murdering the father of their two week old baby...

Holidays - I will just quickly pack my own clothes, sun lotion, toothbrush and swim shorts and then sit back incredulously asking what all the fuss is over packing, it's just so simple! as my DH rushes around with a long list including beach towels, hooded beach towels, suncream for various kids ages, sunhats, beach shoes, walking shoes, travelling outfits, insect bite spray, travelling games, snacks, drinks, wipes, travelsick tablets, plasters, knickers x 14, underpants x 28, socks x 100, long sleeve tops for cooler days, shorts for hot days, Calpol, nappies, baby milks, blankets, dummies, toys small enough to pack but that will be entertaining enough for 2 weeks.
Then and only then will he get started on his own personal modest list of packing in the small space that's left in the suitcase.

Obviously the weight of my enormous cock will prevent me from bringing clothes downstairs to put in washing machine.

I will do one darks wash a week when it isn’t a full load taking care to put something white and delicate of my partners (even if I have to get it out of the entirely separate handwash laundry bin). When my partner discovers the ruined white item I will say it looked dark to me and then suggest they stay on top of the washing if they don’t want me to do it. I will later claim to do half the washing.

I will have the football commentary blaring from every radio in the house all Saturday afternoon and sulk if anyone switches it off.

I will refuse to put anything away in the same cupboard or drawer twice and claim that it’s too confusing.

I will consider that my partners new business isn’t making much money as I will take all commuting, pension and childcare costs off it while still insisting my gross salary is what I contribute.

Even though I don't technically live with DP I will sleep over at her place almost every night. When she mentions that I never think to change the bedsheets I will say "but I don't know when it was last done! Obviously if I was doing it every time I would know when to change them! "
I will then look quite put upon when she replies "that's a good solution. You can do them every time from now on, then you will know when they need changing again."
I mean, I don't even live here! Technically.
I have my own place to keep clean. Although it stays pretty tidy since I'm hardly ever there...

I will let my DP make every single breakfast (cooked), cup of tea/coffee, lunch & dinner.
If he is really lucky I will choose the moment he puts a plate of food in front of me to ring up a mate for a sports chit chat whilst he finishes his meal listening to me .
I will ask him what he wants to watch on tv, listen to his answer but dismiss it because I want to watch Rugby/football/snooker/worlds strongest man/top gear/Star Wars - why should I change my every single day viewing ?
I will occasionally put my plate in the dishwasher but only if it has a pound of potatoes still left on it so it clogs the filter so he then has to hand wash the dishwasher contents because nothing is clean.

I will offer to cook for my DP approximately once every 3 months. I will either
A) make an enormous fuss of looking through cookbooks & then serve up an incredibly simple dish that involve any main ingredient that I know he loathes
Or
B) say I’ve been incredibly busy (I don’t work but watching tv keeps me vvvvvv busy) so we are going out or ordering a take away.

I will make my DW a cup of tea whenever she asks and always make sure she is happy and I will do my share of household tasks.

However I will make sure I stand in front of which ever cupboard she might need to get into, make a hideous noise while biting my nails but complain bitterly if DW should happen to snore when having a chest infection, I shall announce that I don’t like owning stuff and want to have a simple life and complain about my DW modest amount of books while having an entire room and built in wardrobe stacked full of collectible shite.
I will be in charge of bins yet wait until the bins are so full they can’t be closed before taking them out, i shall also forget every single week when it is bin night and which bins need to go out, I shall put the empty hot chocolate tin on the side rather than in the bin for reasons that no one understands.
I will carry dirty crockery past the dishwasher to put it on the side in the kitchen and put once used tea spoons and butter knives in the sink.

I will come in to the house via the back door, walk through the kitchen, past the fridge, go in the lounge and sit down, whereupon o will request the one of the family (who have been enjoying a movie together in the lounge) go and get me a beer.

Also on the days where I wake earlier than the rest of the household, as I am leaving the house, I will call up the stairs some irrelevant information unnecessarily loudly which will announce my departure, like 'I'm off now bye everyone' . Then i will be really hurt that my family get cross that I've woken them up when their correct response should be to call out 'Bye dad, thanks for everything you do for us, you're the best!' while running downstairs to hug me at 7am on a Saturday.

When my husband is cooking dinner, I'll follow him around the kitchen, stand in front of the sink and all the cupboards, stare into the fridge for a while and make helpful comments about how he's doing everything all wrong despite the fact I never cook and my only experience is watching Tom Kerridge. I'll then eat 3 packets of crisps that were meant for the DC because I can't wait 2 minutes until the food is ready.

I will order the foreign currency before going on holiday. That will be my only input.

@Justmuddlingalong No, no, you’re doing that wrong.

I will forget to order the foreign currency before going on holiday. even though that was my only input.

I’m going to leave wet towels on the bed, and sleep through any noise that other family members make. I’m going to leave my socks on the bedroom floor and also my clothes hung on the door handles of my wife’s wardrobe. I’m never going to notice the washing machine needs to be emptied. I’m going to leave skiddies in the toilet as a fuck you to my spouse and I’m never going to ask them about their day. I’m going to change the channel when someone is watching it. Oh I can’t fucking wait!

I walked away from the kitchen earlier without clearing all the plates, crumbs and surfaces after lunch, in the interests of an experiment in being more dad. I came back an hour later and it had all been tidied up. It's a miracle!

Christmas - I will pick a busy and inconvenient moment on Christmas Eve to ask DH if he has any wrapping paper. When he's found that, I'll ask if he has any sellotape even though the sellotape lives in the same spot it always does in full sight of everyone. After that I'll ask if he has any scissors. No scissors can be found as DC have taken them off to do crafts days ago so I'll make a pathetic attempt to look and then wait for DH to crack and go and find them for me. I will then disappear for a good half an hour and when DH appears to ask where I am as there are essential Christmas Eve tasks still to be done, I'll be found not wrapping but napping.

It's a great plan!

Elvis That was a daring plan, but there's a long way to go before you can walk away from a full load of washing in the machine without caring. Or see how many days the kids muddy wellies can be left on the front step without you being the one to pick them up, clean them and put them away. Early days, early days. That's all I'm saying'.

I will express surprise that the fire won't light while ignoring the fact that the ash needs to be emptied out of the bottom.

I will deposit bread crumbs on every surface in the kitchen while making my daily sandwich so there is not one spare inch for my gluten-intolerant partner to make something to eat.

I will wait till the cleaning fairies have cleaned the bathroom then trim my beard over the nice clean sink and leave the trimmings behind.

I'm going to let my DW research, book and organise our holiday and I'll make sure my passport has expired so when we're at the airport, we can't go.

Because I'm clearly incapable of looking after my own shit.

Oh, and I shall make sure I put entirely empty packs of foodback in the cupboard rather than the bin so my DW is flummoxed into thinking we haven't run out, and I shall (a-ha!) moan that we have, indeed, run out.

Obviously the weight of my enormous cock will prevent me from bringing clothes downstairs to put in washing machine.

I thought it was the important thoughts filling my brain that prevented me from doing that. But now you mention it..... :)

Develop the skill of nocturnal deafness, especially when young children can’t sleep.

To be honest angelicwings, I am the slattern in this house. DH does all the ironing. He happily does laundry without prompting, twitches if I leave a dirty coffee cup on the side for re-use, does more vacuuming and dusting than I do etc. We have a pretty equal partnership.