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Original poster

Interfering dad causing hell

273 replies

Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 13:53

My dad is 70,he is a very controlling, opinionated person, a narcissist, everyone is wrong about everything, he is right.

I am mid 30s, married with 2 young kids, been with my husband for 17 years. I left home at 21 as couldn't bare to be with my dad any longer and me and oh rented a place.

Dad started to interfere and put pressure on us and 10 years ago, my husband and I ended up making (almost forced to) a rediculous, stupid decision to accept my dad's offer of buying us a home and us paying him reduced rent when i had the children . This sounds amazing, and i realise we are exceptionally lucky to have security in our home, but it was basically forced upon us. We should never ever have done it and i regret it every day.
At every opportunity my dad likes to bring up that we pay him a low rent, he doesn't think we should ever buy anything, go on holiday, have pets, decorate, anything we spend should be offered to him as extra rent. I feel like we can't live at all. We live very frugally, low priced food, buy clothes from charity shops, all our furniture is 2nd hand, old cars etc.

Im reaching the end of my tether now, ideally I want to go no contact with him for many many reasons, (my sister has already for the past 3 years) but can't because my poor mother would see noone and wouldn't see her grandkids. I want to sell up, give him the money back and break free, preferably in another part of the country but we can't because we are trapped by large outgoings. We don't have a spare penny to even afford the lowest rents or mortgages anywhere.

What the hell can we do to change this situation. We live 2 miles away from them so they watch over us with a magnifying glass. I'm concerned that he will start doing this with my kids when they are teens and start forcing cars and houses on them that come with conditions.
I know we are lucky and I am grateful but that doesn't mean we should have to live like this does it? Noone ever dares to say anything to him :-(

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 11/01/2019 17:19

I understand the costs of a big house. Ours is similar and we pay £285CT and £190 gas and leccy (and yes that's the cheapest tariff). So it seems you cannot afford the running costs there.

You have said the rental for a house like that would be about £1k? Could you rent it out instead? Pay your dad £500 a month and rent somewhere cheaper for £500 per month?

You aren't earning so the income would only be just above the tax threshold so you could use the bulk of the income.

Just a thought.

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 17:19

A 3 bed semi here would be £140,000.

With regards to the money, he gave me the £250,000 cash and then I purchased the house with it. He was not involved in any part of the actual purchase at the solicitors office.
He has given me the money with full knowledge that he probably wouldn't even get half back by the time he passed away. Then his estate is left to me anyway so it basically comes back to me so it's like having a savings account really.
That's how it was offered to me back 10 years ago because obviously its an amazing thing to be offered. But I naively didn't think of what life would be like after that moment

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 11/01/2019 17:20

I'd do what acrossthepond suggests .

Your dad isn't going to turn reasonable one day. He sounds like a knob. But you can change things from your end.

Jaxhog · 11/01/2019 17:20

I can't helping asking - what did you expect?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 11/01/2019 17:20

Am I missing something ? Has the OP said why she can't sell up and live within their means ?

Juells · 11/01/2019 17:22

Wills can be changed.

Juells · 11/01/2019 17:23

Am I missing something ? Has the OP said why she can't sell up and live within their means ?

No

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 17:24

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking
right I'll explain again. Basically over the past 10 years the property my dad bought has cost us all of our money to run and fix because it is too big. Any savings etc we had at the start have now gone.
We do not have enough income right to save a deposit or qualify for a mortgage or pay rent. We are brassic

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 11/01/2019 17:25

You already know your only real option is to downsize to what you can afford so that's the main part sorted.

Now you just need to get legal and financial advice, especially considering he legally declared it a gift but it's essentially a loan you're repaying.
If you go for a mortgage it will count as part of your outgoings.

We have 2 loans to pay back for the next 4 years as well that we needed to do a new boiler and a new roof
Every penny you spend on home maintenance/improvements counts and may also affect the equity.
When it comes to selling, i think you should keep any equity accrued and/or at the very least deduct the amount spent on essential maintenance/improvements.
Speak to your own independent solicitor about this.

He's manipulated you very well, tying you into a deal which he knew would cost you a lot in the long run.
The less money you have, the more you need him and he can enjoy interfering and controlling....that's his game.

Get your ducks in a row and then tell him what you've decided - you don't need to know what he thinks about the arrangement.
He's not going to like anything that loosens his grip of control over you.

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 17:25

He won't let me sell up and use any of the equity

OP posts:
choli · 11/01/2019 17:26

OP Your father is willing you his estate and cutting your mother out? That is a bizarre situation.

MitziK · 11/01/2019 17:28

I need to know where in the country a three bed semi costs so little, as we'd actually stand a chance of buying a two bed there.

(One bed rents here are about £1100-1200, three beds in the crummiest state possible are about £1800).

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 11/01/2019 17:29

I don't think people think you should have to put up with his bullying but recognise it is unlikely to stop unless you change your situation which means returning the gift and living within your own means.

You are unlikely to be able to have the kind of relationship you wish whatever happens.

MadMum101 · 11/01/2019 17:29

House is yours OP. You get to decide to sell it and downsize not himHmm.

He is controlling you by 'gifting' this big house which needed hefty repairs and high energy costs.

I'd sell, use the equity to pay off the loans, buy a more manageable property.

What can he do about it?

CottonTailRabbit · 11/01/2019 17:29

If you want a smaller cheaper place with a roof and boiler and everything else in good condition then you can do that. You could even rent out the big house while you rent a much smaller place. Think about what you want though. Irrespective of your dad. He's going to annoy no matter what you do.

Juells · 11/01/2019 17:29

There was a good suggestion above about renting it out, paying your Dad £500pm, using the other £500pm to pay off the loan for boiler and roof. Once that loan is sorted you can use the £500 to pay towards rent for yourself. That would ease up all your financial woes.

Tonsilss · 11/01/2019 17:29

If, having checked with a lawyer (worth it here, surely), the house is totally owned by you and you have no legal obligation to pay him back, or only an obligation to pay him reasonable or low rent, then I suggest that you toughen up with him - send him a polite email explaining that as adults you prefer to deal with your financial affairs on your own / to keep them confidential, and will not be discussing them with him in future (assuming you can't say that face to face with him). At the same time explain that you will of course be increasing your regular payments to him to [reasonable rent equivalent] on your return to work. Repeat as needed. And see less of him if he doesn't reform his ways.
If you sell the house, you will be a lot worse off (paying high interest on a mortgage, and at risk of repossession if you lose your job, plus costs of sale and purchase), and you will still have to put up with your Dad's comments. And there is no guarantee you will inherit from him.

Juells · 11/01/2019 17:30

Who actually chose the house you live in now?

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 17:30

From what you said previously OP he cannot stop you selling up if everything is in your and DP name.

I know what you mean about a big house being a money pit. We downsized and are now warm all the time heating wise. Instant hot water and no big maintenance jobs. The previous owners did it all. It is bliss..

Mummylife2018 · 11/01/2019 17:30

Forgive me I'm wrong here but with regards to lowering your outgoings, could you possibly transfer/repay your loans with one bigger one with a lower interest rate/longer repayment term to reduce your monthly repayments? Or get a 0% credit card to pay the loans off with (if you're given a sufficient credit limit of course) just until your new job starts paying?

I know not everyone can get credit cards (I certainly can't!) but being a homeowner may help?

Tonsilss · 11/01/2019 17:30

Meanwhile, try to get a lodger? Useful tax free income.

MadMum101 · 11/01/2019 17:31

You can continue paying 'rent' to him. What difference does it make? It was all going to be yours anyway.

HeebieJeebies456 · 11/01/2019 17:33

We do not have enough income right to save a deposit or qualify for a mortgage or pay rent. We are brassic

What about selling and giving most of the money back but keeping say £10k as a loan?
That would help you into rental acc and you'd have a smaller loan to repay?
How much has the boiler and roof cost you in total - incl the interest you're paying on the loan?
I'm wondering if you deducxted that from the current loan you'rer repaying, would it be enough to get a rental sorted?

With no savings and low income you'd be eligible for housing benefit etc
Though i'd check with solicitor if repayment of this loan/gift would affect that.

If repaying tghis loan affects your entitl;ement to benefits etc i'd be deducting compensation from the loan - you're dad's a sly cf and i bet he knew exactly what he was doing when he insisted on a 5 bed property!

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 17:34

As for who gets what in a will. We were executors for an elderly friends estate. She had promised the relatives all sorts apparently. When it came down to it she had left everything to cancer research barring a few thousand to her cleaner. Oh boy did that cause a stir.

MrsKoala · 11/01/2019 17:34

I think the conversation needs to go 'Dad we are really grateful for the loan of money to buy the house, but unfortunately the running costs are crippling us and we just can't cover it all. I'm sure you wouldn't want us to struggle and you understand we'd like to be more independent so we have decided to sell and move somewhere cheaper...or/rent it out and pay you more back and use the remainder to rent somewhere else that way we still get to keep the house to move back to later if we can afford the running costs and you get paid back sooner'