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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering dad causing hell

273 replies

Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 13:53

My dad is 70,he is a very controlling, opinionated person, a narcissist, everyone is wrong about everything, he is right.

I am mid 30s, married with 2 young kids, been with my husband for 17 years. I left home at 21 as couldn't bare to be with my dad any longer and me and oh rented a place.

Dad started to interfere and put pressure on us and 10 years ago, my husband and I ended up making (almost forced to) a rediculous, stupid decision to accept my dad's offer of buying us a home and us paying him reduced rent when i had the children . This sounds amazing, and i realise we are exceptionally lucky to have security in our home, but it was basically forced upon us. We should never ever have done it and i regret it every day.
At every opportunity my dad likes to bring up that we pay him a low rent, he doesn't think we should ever buy anything, go on holiday, have pets, decorate, anything we spend should be offered to him as extra rent. I feel like we can't live at all. We live very frugally, low priced food, buy clothes from charity shops, all our furniture is 2nd hand, old cars etc.

Im reaching the end of my tether now, ideally I want to go no contact with him for many many reasons, (my sister has already for the past 3 years) but can't because my poor mother would see noone and wouldn't see her grandkids. I want to sell up, give him the money back and break free, preferably in another part of the country but we can't because we are trapped by large outgoings. We don't have a spare penny to even afford the lowest rents or mortgages anywhere.

What the hell can we do to change this situation. We live 2 miles away from them so they watch over us with a magnifying glass. I'm concerned that he will start doing this with my kids when they are teens and start forcing cars and houses on them that come with conditions.
I know we are lucky and I am grateful but that doesn't mean we should have to live like this does it? Noone ever dares to say anything to him :-(

OP posts:
Willbeatjanuaryblues · 11/01/2019 18:10

across

What a great line!

The dog barks but the caravan crosses

Salmakia · 11/01/2019 18:16

I think you could do with some therapy or some other help to deal with the impact of having this abusive and controlling man run your life for the last 10 years. After that you might find the strength to make the choices that can bring you happiness. It's a tough situation and I feel like we're not getting a full picture of how difficult your father has been towards you. Good luck.

BubonicWoman · 11/01/2019 18:16

Sell the house, buy another that is further away from him
Continue to pay him back. Set up a standing order and go NC

MrsKoala · 11/01/2019 18:31

When you bought the house OP did you not have to declare where you got the funds? If so didn't your dad have to write something saying it was a gift and no loan intended and no repayment was necessary? In which case would a verbal agreement override that and then wouldn't he/they be in trouble for fraud/lying or something?

Drum2018 · 11/01/2019 18:33

He won't let me sell up and use any of the equity

He has no say in what you do with YOUR house. If you sell up and have roughly 50k left over after paying back his 217k, then you will only need 70-80k mortgage to downsize. Just get on with it and don't tell him a single thing about it until you are handing him a cheque for his balance. It's that bloody simple. Get onto an estate agent asap to value your house and start showing you smaller houses in your area.

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 18:34

The sister going nc with the father is a big red flag. The mother being banned from seeing her grandchildren if father is crossed another big red flag. The OP getting everything in the will the biggest red flag because it could all be a load of nonsense to keep her in line.

My friend endured the awfulness of her widowed mother for decades, she was nasty to the husband. But she had an enormous sea front property worth a lot of money which desperately needed doing up think 60`s style. Plus loads in the bank and other investments.

My friend thought oh well when she is gone we can convert into 3 flats and live in one. The evil old bat lived to 105. My friend in the meantime is in a wheelchair her OH is losing his marbles. So the property is slowly rotting. They are now both too ill to move anyway.

So think on this OP even if you do inherit one day, will it be of any benefit to you?

Tonsilss · 11/01/2019 18:37

If he is really so controlling, I'm surprised he simply gave OP an expensive house, with no legal strings attached. I'd have expected a legal agreement. He does seem to have been very generous and trusting.

Doubletrouble99 · 11/01/2019 18:38

I've just read the whole thread and can see that the OP is just too scared to go against her F. However she really needs to get herself sorted and get ducks in a row in order to move physically and metaphorically.

Is there just you and your sister OP? You say your Sister went NC. Was it only because of your dad's controlling nature or was she feed up with the way you were being favoured over her maybe?

I would be having a complete rethink about your expectations with regard to your inheritance and the fact that you say you and you alone will inherit.
Your Dad is only in his early 70s so could have years of life left in him. Imagine the situation when he is older and less able to cope, expecting you to run after him, refusing to get any help in and insisting on you doing everything for him, because of course you owe him!!

Get yourself sorted with good advice, make sure you are never beholdent to anyone again and make piece with your sister, she will be around long after your controlling Dad is gone.

SharedLife · 11/01/2019 18:39

Sell the house (he cannot stop you, you're the only one stopping you) you'll have 50k once you've paid back the remainder of what was gifted (equity is yours). That will either pay a massive deposit on a 140k house or pay rent for a time until you're able to get a better mortgage, then still be a decent deposit. The only person stopping you from ending this situation is you OP. You seem so determined to ignore the options available to you, I wonder if counselling might be a good idea. Having an emotionally and financially abusive parent takes a massive toll and the fact you are not able to see a way out to help yourself here (even though there is a clear one) is a big warning sign the his abuse has affected you very deeply.

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 11/01/2019 18:42

So he's left his wife and other daughter out of his will?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 11/01/2019 18:42

Have you sat down and talked to your dad about how you are feeling? It just sounds like he is trying to help you live within your means. Stop blaming him for 'forcing' you into this. No one is forced to accept a gift of £250,000.

I would show him a detailed budget, tell him the max you can pay him every month and write up a loan agreement. That way you are repaying him a loan rather than getting subsidised rent.

Make a plan on how you will increase you income, decrease your outgoings and when you have the loans paid off you should be able to afford a 70% mortgage to wave a cheque in front of him for the balance (if he wants it).

abetterplace · 11/01/2019 18:44

He won't let me sell up and use any of the equity its in your name

Well if you cant/wont sell and take your money out of it (although if you are only paying £200 a month not sure how any of it is really yours) then move out and rent

You are not living a good life, so if you move out from under his thumb, you will

VanGoghsDog · 11/01/2019 18:46

He won't let me sell up and use any of the equity

Well, he can't stop you, can he?

I suggest you write to him, this was the only way to deal with my dad when he was difficult. After 12 years nc, he's not difficult any more, he knows now.

Just tell him it's costing you too much and you need to move. That's it. You chose this house (in one post you say he gave [loaned] you the money and you bought it, he had nothing to do with it, in another you refer to it as 'the house he bought') so choose another one.

We can't really help you with that, you just need to do it. Tell him you'll pay him back the loan. Do it after you've gone back to work and you'll be more likely to get a mortgage at that point.

lostinjapan · 11/01/2019 18:50

If there’s just you and two children in a five bedroom house, why don’t you get lodgers in two of the rooms? You could use that money to increase your repayments to your father (or save some of it for rent or a deposit on a house).

PerfectPeony · 11/01/2019 18:53

Sell up. Pay your Dad back. Pay off your debts.

Get a mortgage on a small but affordable house using a help to buy scheme or shared ownership if necessary.

If a 3 bed semi is 140k you may be able to do as low as 7k deposit.

Like a PP said, if the house is in your name the equity is yours.

It’s a shame and it’s very difficult when it’s family but he will have to get over it.

Buddytheelf85 · 11/01/2019 18:54

Well, your dad isn’t going to change. So you have two choices - accept the status quo, or stand in your own two feet and accept a different standard of living. You don’t seem to want to do the latter, so you’re left with accepting the status quo.

BGD2012 · 11/01/2019 19:17

Agree with MistressDeeCee. No one can force a 5 bedroom house on you and you didn't have to accept the money. Are you frightened of upsetting him as he may cut you out of the will? Get a lodger or rent your house out and move to a cheaper one.

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 19:54

As a pp wrote this describes me perfectly :
"I think the thing you don't realize is how 'in thrall' you are to your dad. You have been conditioned by him to involuntarily think 'what'll dad do/say' before you make a decision. Yes, it bothers you and angers you when he spouts off. And yes, occasionally you push back. BUT the subconscious 'fear' is still there, colouring your thinking and controlling your decision-making. You need to break that chain. Counseling will help, you should look into it."
Every single thing we ever do my first words are, what will dad say, what will dad think, we can't because of dad. It effects everything we do.

Regards the family situation.... Everything goes to my mum first then to me when both die. My sister is not my father's daughter, only my mums. She has been written out of the wills. She doesn't have anything financial from them, she just hates him generally and always has

OP posts:
Original poster
Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 19:55

And for those who haven't lived with this type of person, you can actually be forced into things. When you are so weakened by them you just agree to everything they say

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/01/2019 19:58

I honestly think the best option is for your DH to get a job far enough that you "have" to move.

You then downsize pay back what you can and be far more free than you are...

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 11/01/2019 20:01

Grubs we had similar issues with fil. He now wants to put ££ into children's isa but it concerns me because I hate how miserable dh family all are with their money and how controlling he is.
I do wonder however with fil if he has some sort of learning issues.

It's so oppressive and constant and wears you down..

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:02

Having been in thrall to a narcissistic parent mother in this case. Father was just the enabler it is hard OP but you need to wake up and see it for what it is. Manipulation of the most sophisticated kind. My Mother was awful with all her children, but my Father let her get away with it.

Atalune · 11/01/2019 20:09

Sell the house.

Deal with your father.

Get some financial advice because from everything you’ve written you seem pretty clueless about budgeting

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:11

You cannot just sell the house. For instance where are the deeds?

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 20:11

I have the deeds?

OP posts: