Interfering dad causing hell

[Grubsmummy]

My dad is 70,he is a very controlling, opinionated person, a narcissist, everyone is wrong about everything, he is right.

I am mid 30s, married with 2 young kids, been with my husband for 17 years. I left home at 21 as couldn't bare to be with my dad any longer and me and oh rented a place.

Dad started to interfere and put pressure on us and 10 years ago, my husband and I ended up making (almost forced to) a rediculous, stupid decision to accept my dad's offer of buying us a home and us paying him reduced rent when i had the children . This sounds amazing, and i realise we are exceptionally lucky to have security in our home, but it was basically forced upon us. We should never ever have done it and i regret it every day.
At every opportunity my dad likes to bring up that we pay him a low rent, he doesn't think we should ever buy anything, go on holiday, have pets, decorate, anything we spend should be offered to him as extra rent. I feel like we can't live at all. We live very frugally, low priced food, buy clothes from charity shops, all our furniture is 2nd hand, old cars etc.

Im reaching the end of my tether now, ideally I want to go no contact with him for many many reasons, (my sister has already for the past 3 years) but can't because my poor mother would see noone and wouldn't see her grandkids. I want to sell up, give him the money back and break free, preferably in another part of the country but we can't because we are trapped by large outgoings. We don't have a spare penny to even afford the lowest rents or mortgages anywhere.

What the hell can we do to change this situation. We live 2 miles away from them so they watch over us with a magnifying glass. I'm concerned that he will start doing this with my kids when they are teens and start forcing cars and houses on them that come with conditions.
I know we are lucky and I am grateful but that doesn't mean we should have to live like this does it? Noone ever dares to say anything to him :-(

Mad mum what made you realise things were not normal and triggered you into realising your mum was a narc?

How long is left on the loans? And you are going back to work soon?
I would suck it up till debts are paid - must be less than. 5 years and when you are back in work split your extra between paying ddad back and saving if you pay £500 per month when back in work that will be another £30k equity after 5 years and debt free?

I understand your dad is abusive and controlling but that’s not the only issue. I think you also need advice on your finances. You have an average income, very low rent and you are still struggling. Most people don’t have the luxury of the very low rent. That said, you’ve paid a price for that though, albeit not financial.

@madmum5811 there won’t be any deeds, it’s all held electronically with the land registry now.

Willbeat something like this forum and a link I clicked on. I forwarded the link to my brothers who were also stunned by the accuracy.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

guinea pig. I know now. But we had physical deeds for our old house sold two years ago. It depends how far you go back.

He won't let me sell up and use any of the equity

He can't stop you. You do know that, don't you? He can rage and be angry about it, but equally, you can ignore him and do what's best for your family.

Start paying more rent

Cancel the cheque.

(Sorry)

I’ll swap houses with you! I’m paying double a month and my daughters bedroom is a large cupboard.

If I were you, I would sell this house, pay back £217K to your father, buy a house you can afford to live in, and definitely keep your father, and his 'generosity' at arms length.

^ this

He gets his money back, and has no valid reason to complain.
You get a house you can afford to run, and a mortgage (you say you live in a low house price area). Your bank won't behave like you dad has been.

And for those who haven't lived with this type of person, you can actually be forced into things. When you are so weakened by them you just agree to everything they say

I hope I say this right; in the situation above they still aren't 'forcing' you in the literal sense. 'Forcing' means that someone has an actual power to do something to you if you don't do their will. Like taking food from your mouth, hitting you, depriving you of shelter, battering your self esteem. As a child, your dad did have that power. You were young, small, and dependent. But the 'power' your dad has now is 'power' that you have given him. You've been conditioned to do so, it's not really a conscious choice per se so I'm not saying you are at fault. NOT AT ALL. It's just that now you need to realize that you can take back that power. You really can! As I said above, it will take counseling, courage, and hard work. But it sounds to me as if you are strong enough and that you have a DH who will have your back and gladly stand strong with you when you take your stand!

But you said you're going back to work soon and will have more money, soooooo...

Thanks mad mum it's a sobering read.

I don't need any more responses now thank you all for your advice.

I hope you managing to be brave and do what's right for you and DH, I think your Dad chose that huge house to keep you financially dependent on him.

You must work on making your escape OP
he wants to keep you trapped so that you are forced to become his carer when he gets older

Yes he is using coercive control techniques on you but you can get past this, you can escape

Financial advice on the tax / gift situation on the house: you need an independent financial adviser.

Yes that!, don't use a solictor thery aren't the best with finances. I think I can now see whats being going on here I bet your dad does wish you well really but he has a not that nice a way of going about it.

I Bet your bottom farthing that if!, yes if!! you stand up to him a lot of things will change and probally for the better. Don't wish to be unkind but it think your financial nous isnt that great and I bet your dad wishes it was. After all he's gone and raised a quarter of a mill to buy the place in the first instance so he must be good with making it or at least getting his mitts on it.

Which does beg another question i wonder if beneath it all he did take a loan out, is paying a mortage on that amount and can't afford to pay it but sure as hell he won't or cant admit that, he perhaps if it is a mortage on another property might be runninhg inot some hardshipo himself and that is anre rweal source of the greif your getting perhaps he is to proud to admit that he's in bother somewhere?

You really need to come out of the daddys little girl shadow and fear you have of him, stand up to him stand your ground he might, just might be that impressed he might alter his stance and might become that grandad you so much what him to be.

Futhermore at his age if he's got any sense he shouold be realising that he only has so much time left on the earth and whats the point of being a awkward case, does he really enjoy being the way you portray him to be can't be much fun for him and well as you.

Nuff said!

Is there an issue with your credit OP that would prevent you from getting a mortgage on a smaller house?

I think this deal sounds amazing!

We earn £2000/month too but our rent is £1400/month. We are broke constantly. I can only dream of a big house. I can't even afford to move to a smaller house because where would I find the deposit, bond and moving costs.

Ours is a 3 bed semi, 1 bedroom is 195cm long so can't even fit all single beds in it.

OP - I think you need some counselling for strategies to help you assert yourself with your Dad.

Good post across.

You cannot just sell the house. For instance where are the deeds?

Why not, madmum? From what OP says the house is in her name and her father hasn't registered a charge on it.

These days ability to sell doesn't depend on possession of the deeds, it depends on the title registered with the Land Registry.

@Tonsilss
If he is really so controlling, I'm surprised he simply gave OP an expensive house, with no legal strings attached. I'd have expected a legal agreement. He does seem to have been very generous and trusting.

My thoughts exactly. He didn't even hand over the house, he gave her the money to buy it herself in her own name.