Interfering dad causing hell

[Grubsmummy]

My dad is 70,he is a very controlling, opinionated person, a narcissist, everyone is wrong about everything, he is right.

I am mid 30s, married with 2 young kids, been with my husband for 17 years. I left home at 21 as couldn't bare to be with my dad any longer and me and oh rented a place.

Dad started to interfere and put pressure on us and 10 years ago, my husband and I ended up making (almost forced to) a rediculous, stupid decision to accept my dad's offer of buying us a home and us paying him reduced rent when i had the children . This sounds amazing, and i realise we are exceptionally lucky to have security in our home, but it was basically forced upon us. We should never ever have done it and i regret it every day.
At every opportunity my dad likes to bring up that we pay him a low rent, he doesn't think we should ever buy anything, go on holiday, have pets, decorate, anything we spend should be offered to him as extra rent. I feel like we can't live at all. We live very frugally, low priced food, buy clothes from charity shops, all our furniture is 2nd hand, old cars etc.

Im reaching the end of my tether now, ideally I want to go no contact with him for many many reasons, (my sister has already for the past 3 years) but can't because my poor mother would see noone and wouldn't see her grandkids. I want to sell up, give him the money back and break free, preferably in another part of the country but we can't because we are trapped by large outgoings. We don't have a spare penny to even afford the lowest rents or mortgages anywhere.

What the hell can we do to change this situation. We live 2 miles away from them so they watch over us with a magnifying glass. I'm concerned that he will start doing this with my kids when they are teens and start forcing cars and houses on them that come with conditions.
I know we are lucky and I am grateful but that doesn't mean we should have to live like this does it? Noone ever dares to say anything to him :-(

am seeking to protect the OP from any future fall outs

By giving her incorrect information? Good, fab.

Just find another place where to leave. Don't forget to thank him, of course. I would move as far as possible.

Van Gogh I think telling the OP to seek the advice of a solicitor/accountant is sound advice. But it may be different in your part of the world.

I've skimmed, so apologies if I'm going over well trodden ground.

First off from what I understand, YOU ARE NOT PAYING 'RENT' as the property is in YOUR NAME. You are repaying a loan to your dad. You really need to change your mindset!

Secondly, am I correct in assuming there is no formal loan repayment agreement? I agree that you should pay it back from a moral/ethical standpoint, but it's not like he can evict you or call the loan in if you piss him off. And if there IS a repayment agreement for the amount you are now paying, he can't willy nilly raise the payment amount (check the verbiage though). He was 'generous' not because he loved you, but because he wanted you to be 'beholden' to him.

If I were you, frankly I'd tell him to piss off and I'd go NC. I'd continue to make the payments as a matter of principle, but I'd have nothing further to do with him. As far as your mum goes, I'm sorry, but she's made her bed and she must lie in it. Perhaps you going NC might encourage her to declare her own independence!

Op in the the first instance talk to him. Say your finding the situation unbearable what does he suggest.

You can't do this and expect control over people's lives. Your 250 isn't buying the right to their lives and to tell them what to do do.

I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS, I WANT A HAPPY FAMILY AND TO BE COMFORTABLE FINANCIALLY

You need to find your own place. I know how it feels to be dependent sonI do understand how you feel but you and your husband need to sit down, open Rightmove and start looking for properties to rent.

I live in a poor area rents in this area are 600+ a month for a house costing half what yours did to buy I'm guessing he didn't buy you a bog standard semi

We have an earned income of around £1700/month.

HA rent for a 2 bed house adapted for disability is £680 and the Council Tax is £180.

No entitlement to benefits. Because the law says we have more than enough money to live on.

We don't have a car. Which means we don't get stung for car repayments, tax, insurance, maintenance, fuel, parking or AA membership. We use public transport. I pay union fees. And all the bills are covered - including insurance for both home and pet, which are both dearer than yours.

We (obviously) do not have to pay to replace boilers or a roof - but we also don't have a large asset in our name, either.

You've got more bedrooms than people - a water meter usually works out cheaper than rates in those cases (and when I switched, it was made clear that if it turned out to be dearer, I could legally switch back to the old system).

Sounds like buying the new car on top of other debts carrying interest is the largest problem here. Not the fact somebody spent so much money on gifting you a huge asset.

But you don't have mobile phones? Not at all? Or were they also bought on credit PAYG and get used a lot?

You need to do a proper statement of affairs and get those 'bills' down in black and white, check you are receiving all the child benefit/tax credit/universal credit payable to somebody with two children and no housing costs and cut them to the bone whilst going back to work sooner rather than later.

OP could you just use some stock lines to deal with your DF and his suggestions?
So, when he rants you just repeat “I’m sorry you feel like that about it.” When he offers advice you can say “Yes, I/we’ll think about it.” Just don’t engage any further and do what you think is best.

Unfortunately it does seem like your DF is now using the generosity of buying you the house as a stick to beat you with. You do not have to tolerate it though. If that had been a condition of you accepting the house then I doubt you would have accepted it.

If you are serious about moving out then tell him that and tell him why. He may realise he’s pushed you to your limits and back off but if not, put the house on the market, keep your £33K plus costs of roof and boiler and give him the rest.

Would £33K get you back on your feet financially and leave enough for a deposit on a smaller, less expensive to run place?

"A lot of you think that yes we should put up with that!!"

I think you'll be fine speaking to your dad 🙄.

The outgoings you've listed..lots of us have them. It is easier living within your means. If you can't then it's down to selling, if you won't well then back to being controlled by dad.

Your husband has some say/advice in this,surely...? You're not on your own.

Lots of stuff doesn't - literally - add up here .

The top and bottom of it is that your outgoings are astronomical, but you have quite vague reasons as to why this is.

You list your expenses, which, with the rent you are paying, comes to @ £700, but earlier you say your outgoings are £1600 ??? So are you saying you are paying £900 pm in loan repayment and food?

You already state that you shop at cheap food shops and charity shops for clothes and don't spend on entertainment.

I would speak to a finance charity, as you seem to be seriously mismanaging money at the moment and need help with it.

It also sounds like your father is interfering as he is worried about your lifestyle, and at and least wanted to make sure you had a roof over your head.

Please consider independent financial advice, you can start by contacting your nearest Citizens Advice Bureau.

Sell up, buy another house. Simple.
And start saying no!

For those saying 'sell and get your own place', it IS her place. As far as I can tell, her dad's name is NOT on the house. Why should she sell a home she (I assume) is satisfied with and become a renter because her dad is a manipulative bastard?

Even if she did, it's not going to stop him from controlling or throwing shit in her face. He'll say that she 'threw home ownership away out of spite'. Because that will be what he thinks and will frequently repeat.

Can people read the fucking thread before comment. It’s so fucking boring when you prattle on. The OP has explained several times

nothinglikeadame it's 200 rent, 500 loan payments, then the rest is all the household bills and food and fuel. The house has large bills each month

Inheritance tax avoidance. Whooooole world of bother!

Guineapiglovers thanks very much for sticking up for me. I think I've provided all the info and everything does add up.

It all seems a bit muddled with regards to ownership or not, repayment terms and whether it is paying rent or paying back a loan.

• If it has been verbally acknowledged as being his house (even though it is your name on the deeds), and you are paying "reduced rent" then you should not have paid for the boiler and roof, and you should not be expected to keep any of the uplift in value should the house be sold.
• If, as is legally the case, you own the house and he has made an interest free loan to you, then you are responsible for repaying the loan, (which you do in varying monthly repayments). In this case you are responsible for the upkeep and repairs on the house, but you would keep any uplift in value on the house. You are also free to sell the house when you want as long as you pay off the loan he made. I don't see how it can be both, it is obviously the second situation in the absence of any written agreement otherwise. Or did he say that he would take the uplift as interest? What if the property went down in value, was that discussed?

Out of interest, what is the price of a 2 or 3 bedroom house in your area, if you decided to downsize?

I think that people are trying to give you financial help in clearing your debts as that will help widen your options. You won't change your father, you don't want to go NC, but by freeing yourself of his financial ties then you will be able to ease his effect on your family.

And finally, clearing down the loans will be the best thing to do first. See if you can rejig the utilities/AA etc to get and extra £20 to put monthly to the loan amounts to pay them off sooner. And don't tell your father.

nothinglikeadame, OP has said that her expenses are about "£200 rent, £600 household bills, £500 on car and loan repayments, plus food food, fuel, kids stuff."

So I'm not sure where you get the total of £700 for expenses from? With three children and two adults, things like food, fuel, clothes, car tax, school trips etc can easily come to over £100 a week.

A 5 bed detached house for £250k!? Where I live you couldn’t get a 2 bed semi for that! I bet you could easily afford a smaller house in your area without your fathers help and be much happier.

I live in a big house. It’s in cold cold scotland. We pay 130 per month gas and electric. I’d be checking that tarrif and your usage.

make an escape plan and implement it
do not tip him off
then work towards no or very low contact

...also a 3-bed semi or terrace will be much cheaper to heat, as you don't have four outside walls. I've been amazed at the difference to my heating bills since I moved into a terraced house.

Did you not read my previous comments saying I want to downsize and pay for ourselves?

so.... do it ?

Never auto renew AA car breakdown, change yearly from RAC to AA you will get a cheaper deal ! House & car insurance change to a new supplier each year. Council tax you cannot change. You could probably save money by changing your gas/electric and broadband suppliers too. Your bills eg council tax are high, because you live in a huge house !