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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad for the guy in the paternity fraud case

752 replies

moanymoaner · 10/01/2019 12:19

Was watching it on GMB this morning and he was teary , I feel sad for him . I can't imagine finding out when the kids were older that they weren't yours! I get that the boys are standing with their mum but surely they must be feeling cross with her lies :( all such a mess for them :(

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2019 13:18

How would people (women) feel if someone had deliberately swapped their baby in the maternity ward or swapped their eggs in the IVF clinic so they ended up raising someone else’s child and didn’t find out till the child was yon age?

Would they be unreasonable to be upset? Should they listen to people saying “don’t know what you’re moaning about - you still got a baby”?

Doyoumind · 10/01/2019 13:19

Not revealing the lover's name was probably to protect his family i.e. children from also being dragged into this publicly.

Doyoumind · 10/01/2019 13:21

There have been cases where people have brought up the wrong children due to mistakes in hospital and I'm sure I'm right in saying none of those parents decided the non-biological children were in no way theirs and they wanted nothing more to do with them.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 10/01/2019 13:22

@Xenia what has his parents got to do with it? It's up to him and his current partner alone.

Also if I was his current partner I would take the treatment of children he brought up as a warning not to have children with him.

TootTootPeanutbutter · 10/01/2019 13:23

Likewise him not being a saint doesn't make the deception any less wrong.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/01/2019 13:24

It depends whether or not he was unfaithful too. If he was faithful, he's got a good point. If he was unfaithful too, well, they kind of deserve each other.

moanymoaner · 10/01/2019 13:24

I would argue if he didn't care about their well-being he would have revealed their names and photos but he hasn't . Not at all. He's really hurt. He's a multi millionaire who should have three beautiful boys loving life with him however he's now suffering with an incurable disease and facing the fact he has brought three children up to adult hood and financially supported them like a good father would after divorce to find they're not actually his , none of them!!

I can almost guarantee if any family found their child had been swapped at birth they would be suing the NHS!

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/01/2019 13:24

I feel sorry for him, not only did his marriage end, he then finds out he has a medical condition and that she'd lied to him for over 20 years about something so important!

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/01/2019 13:26

Thing is its still not exactly the same thing for a woman as presumably if there was a mix up at the maternity ward or during IVF or whatever they were still choosing to have a child. Theres no purposeful lie and deceit.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 10/01/2019 13:26

@Butchyrestingface there is a case in South Africa where two babies were swapped. According to a documentary I saw the mother's were totally confused and torn as they each desired both of the kids.

www.iol.co.za/news/south-africa/gauteng/mothers-sue-for-millions-after-hospitals-baby-swap-bungle-11714007
.

SaturdayNext · 10/01/2019 13:27

He's done press and media interviews and given them photos. That isn't about the press finding out.

Once the press has found out about your personal affairs, there's probably a lot to be said for ensuring they have your side of the story.

usernamealreadytaken · 10/01/2019 13:27

The whole thing is wrong on so many levels.

No matter what kind of twat the non-bio father is, that woman had no right to deceive him for all those years in to believing that another man's children were his. She has either colluded with or singularly denied another man to have a relationship with his children and for those children to know their biological father.

I don't think that this appearing in the press is a good thing for the children, but absolutely that woman should be named and shamed and should have to pay back a substantial part of the spousal divorce settlement. She stole years of his life under false pretence, without giving him any choice in the matter.

Sonneedshelp · 10/01/2019 13:29

We really know nothing about this man and the divorce. He could have had countless affairs for all we know. He could have been a terrible husband and father. It's quite possible the mother wasn't completely certain he wasn't the father until he confirmed he couldn't be.

Why is it that every woman that's done wrong is because they've been pushed into it?

You're speculations about him are that .... speculation!

Now SHE is a liar, adulterer, manipulative, money grabbing, vile excuse as a human being! If the boot was on the other foot and the woman was wronged would everyone be saying well it's your husbands children from an affair and you should welcome them, pay for them etc!

Can we not see that the "father" must be devastated and his emotions I'm sure are not back and white! He can't maybe say "oh well, it doesn't matter, I feel the same" . His world has been turned upside down!

He may and hopefully in time reconcile with the children and have a good, loving relationship!

The woman caused all this!

Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2019 13:30

Thing is its still not exactly the same thing for a woman as presumably if there was a mix up at the maternity ward or during IVF or whatever they were still choosing to have a child. Theres no purposeful lie and deceit

I didn’t say a mix up. I said if someone deliberately swapped the babies at the hospital.

With regards to this case, we don’t know whether the married couple were using contraceptive. He didn’t know that he was infertile so may have been - in his mind - trying for a baby.

Augusta2012 · 10/01/2019 13:31

I read that interview, I thought it was horrific and was amazed so many people were commenting on what a nice lad he was because if you read it and think about it that young man slips up several times and reveals just how badly he, his brothers and his mother treated Richard.

He says when Richard first tried to discuss it with them they wrote him off as a liar trying to get money out of their Mum. Their Mum knew he had told them he probably wasn’t their father and that they didn’t believe him and accused him of trying to get money out of her. She knew it was true and she knew she had been defrauding him out of money for years and she didn’t say a word.

They accused him of fiddling the DNA tests and refused to believe him saying it was a con. She knew it wasn’t. She didn’t say a word. They refused to believe what he was telling them and called him a manipulative liar when it was true and their mother was the one who had lied to them for years.

He praises his mother for using the money she defrauded to buy him and his brothers properties.

He says that his mother did it deliberately because she was in an unhappy marriage and wanted children and had guessed her husband was infertile. But he also says she thought Richard was genuinely the father and both can’t be true. I think she knew she was having someone else’s children but didn’t want to tell Richard because he was their meal ticket. Given they look so much like Richard and she has twins, my feeling is that she had fertility treatment with donor sperm and selected a donor with a similar appearance to Richard.

I think this is why she is also reluctant to discuss the father. If she had done that and this was a deliberate subterfuge she will have committed multiple criminal offences. No wonder her children are so vocal about not wanting to know who their real Dad is.

I also think that the mothers relationship with her new partner conveniently splitting up is probably a ruse to protect assests and stop them being seized to repay Richard.

The overwhelming impression I got from the interview is that they support their mother’s dishonesty because they are aware it has financially benefitted them.

I think it he’s prepared to go to the newspapers and make insinuations about claiming his Dad might have made this up to get money out of his Mum, when they know it isn’t true, means they’re pretty morally bankrupt. The interview is so full of contradictions and inconsistencies he’s obviously being dishonest to some extent.

Someone made a comment on the other thread that the apple doesn’t fall from the tree and I think they are right. The mother has financially defrauded this man and extorted money she wasn’t entitled to. The boys seem to have very little to say about that and are, instead, just content to sit back and enjoy the rewards their financial exploitation of Richard has created.

No wonder they like their Mum when she’s gone to such lengths to line her son’s pockets.

Troels · 10/01/2019 13:31

This happened to someone I worked with. Turned out his wife knew all along. After a divorce and both remarried, he was paying for a child he though was his, he adored that child, spent lots of time with him as did his new wife. Once the childs mother went through her second divorce her new Ex told my work mate, "by the way she's been conning you all these years, that child isn't yours" He was devistated. Went to see her, she denied, went to see her family, they all knew and admitted it.
Suddenly she stopped all his contact. He took her to court and they made them have a paternity test, she knew all along.
So now he has no children at all, he loved being a Dad. He is very bitter about it, and I can understand why.
The kids should all be angry with their mother, she's a poor excuse of a woman.

famousfour · 10/01/2019 13:31

I have an enormous amount of sympathy for him and am surprised at those minimising it. Of course fatherhood is more than biology but she has behaved appallingly and I can see why he feels there ought to be some redress.

That said splashing it all over the press - hardly father of the century. Appalling too. All he cares about it seems is getting back at his wife.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 10/01/2019 13:32

This is why DNA testing should be mandatory for all births

Fraid not. I'm not giving up my kids DNA to the state because some other people tell lies. My DH feels the same and wouldn't be providing his either. I feel sorry for both the father and children here, but not sorry enough that I'd allow DNA tests to confirm information everyone in my family unit already knows to be true.

Incidentally, what would you cut or raise taxes on to pay for this policy? Labs aren't free.

brizzledrizzle · 10/01/2019 13:33

He couldn't have had a biological family. He's infertile.

Huh? So she pretended the boys were his and he knew that they couldn't be? I don't watch GMB so don't know about the case.

Sonneedshelp · 10/01/2019 13:34

@brizzledrizzle he didn't know until recently he was in fertile. That's when it all came out.

Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2019 13:35

Huh? So she pretended the boys were his and he knew that they couldn't be? I don't watch GMB so don't know about the case.

No. He only found out that he is infertile much later on.

DishingOutDone · 10/01/2019 13:36

There was a case on TV last year where a man was told he had a son as a result of a brief relationship. He was shown a small baby, told it was his son and he began paying maintenance, and taking the boy out etc for something like 4 years - eventually it turned out that it was the son of some friends and the "mother" had been borrowing the baby to show the "father" to get money out of him.

The "mother" was successfully prosecuted for fraud.

CornishMaid1 · 10/01/2019 13:38

I didn't see the interview, but I am completely on the father's side (although it he rather than the press finding out about the issued proceedings or a third party made it public that isn't nice).

The initial report was that she was suspected of having an affair for 4 years during the early days of their marriage. There are three children (one then twins) and they think the father may be the same but it is not known.

He did not know he was not fertile at the time - it was a recent test that showed he is infertile so cannot have children - so he believed her and she presumably did not know for sure and lied about it.

Whilst they could have sought treatment if they had known, as he could do now, she lied to him and decided it for him to cover up her affair. That is not right and whatever he was like as a father and husband, that is a really horrid thing to do.

When they got divorced, she would have declared there to be three children of the marriage (which there aren't) so how they split the finances took into account the fact that she had three children he thought were his so it is fraud on her part and only fair for her to pay him back some of the divorce settlement.

If he knew they were not his and accepted them then I don't think it would be at Court now, but she deceived him and I can't blame him for feeling so hurt by it now.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/01/2019 13:38

DP was told he was infertile. We now have a 1yo.Shock

Sonneedshelp · 10/01/2019 13:40

@DioneTheDiabolist I've no doubt that happens, but it's not the case here! The father and children also had DNA tests.

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