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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad for the guy in the paternity fraud case

752 replies

moanymoaner · 10/01/2019 12:19

Was watching it on GMB this morning and he was teary , I feel sad for him . I can't imagine finding out when the kids were older that they weren't yours! I get that the boys are standing with their mum but surely they must be feeling cross with her lies :( all such a mess for them :(

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 12/01/2019 14:43

Women are supporting women here, because its been shit for many women being women, they often, more often than men end up the ones in poverty, and are continually attacked for supporting each other. You have what you want, noone agrees that it was OK to lie, people just seem to be talking at cross purposes to nail a point home?!

This is MN at it's worse!

BejamNostalgia · 12/01/2019 14:43

Women are supporting women here, because its been shit for many women being women, they often, more often than men end up the ones in poverty, and are continually attacked for supporting each other. You have what you want, noone agrees that it was OK to lie, people just seem to be talking at cross purposes to nail a point home?!

And in what way has this millionairess who lives in a 7 bedroomed mansion supported other women?

If anything she’s made it harder for other women by giving such a perfect example of the old MRA trope someone came out with earlier ‘women shag about and then find some poor sap to bring up the results’. Added another string to the bow of ‘why should I pay maintenance, probably not my kid anyway’ and the idea women trap men with children to extort money.

She has three sons. Do you think when they get married she’ll discourage them from having pre nups and protecting their wealth? I would be really surprised if a woman that acquisitive did. And remember much of what she dishonestly took benefited three males.

This isn’t about the sisterhood. It has nothing to do with women who’ve been left high and dry with no maintenance. It’s about one very greedy woman whose only contribution to the ‘sisterhood’ is perpetuating a damaging stereotype.

Doyoumind · 12/01/2019 14:43

Weetabix the son actually says the man got in touch to tell them he had gone to the papers, and they were shocked. I don't believe the son would have given an interview if the man hadn't already. The son's interview came a couple of days later.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 14:47

I am saying that equality is involved in this, and the decisions made by men and women are affected by the rights of women and sense of equality at the time and their ability to supprt their DC.

Weetabixandshreddies · 12/01/2019 14:47

@Smotheroffive

I think you are still expecting too much of this man.

In your family's case you say the mother admitted to it. Maybe that's the key - had the wife told the truth perhaps the man wouldn't have been pushed to these lengths. The fact that she continued to lie and then appears to have convinced the children that the man was lying makes it worse in my eyes.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 14:50

BTW, I did already make it very clear she should pay for the lies...so no, I don't support that. There is a lot of vitriol on here.

Weetabixandshreddies · 12/01/2019 14:50

affected by the rights of women and sense of equality at the time and their ability to supprt their DC.

So her needing to support her children justifies her tricking a man into raising another man's children? Wtf?

How about she raised her own children. Or made the father support his own children? Or didn't have children that she couldn't afford? Or any number of other solutions that don't involve tricking an innocent party.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 14:52

I'm on the side of the DC. To protect. I cannot count the times I hear men making it all about the money, when its not uncommon for men to make it about the money from the start! I don't think that what we hear is as easy to pick apart.

GySgtHartman · 12/01/2019 14:52

I am 100% certain there are men who would have acted differently in these exact circumstances

No fucking shit Sherlock.

Charlie97 · 12/01/2019 14:54

@Smotheroffive you don't like men do you?

Somewhereovertheroad · 12/01/2019 14:55

He mentions that he’d thought of his “dad” as a very manipulative man

The mother sounds very manipulating too!

Boysandbuses · 12/01/2019 15:03

This hypothetical woman may have settled out of court too and then not done press interviews. Another man in the same situation may not have done press interviews.

She may have done. Unless there was evidence it was going to be in the papers anyway and then decided to do the story herself.

No one does would tell a woman to accept the financial hit. To sit there and take it. And if she decides to speak up publically she would be praised.

The narrative would be that she is brave for speaking out against a man who cheated and defrauded and her and is trying to turn her kids against her.

Boysandbuses · 12/01/2019 15:06

I'm on the side of the DC. To protect. I cannot count the times I hear men making it all about the money, when its not uncommon for men to make it about the money from the start! I don't think that what we hear is as easy to pick apart.

They aren't children. They are adults who should have understanding of the adult world.

It's about money for him? Why do you think she stayed with her multi millionaire husband? She was clearly all about the money.

Financial recompense is used in lots of cases.

Boysandbuses · 12/01/2019 15:09

affected by the rights of women and sense of equality at the time and their ability to supprt their DC.

In this individual situation she held the power. There wasn't any equality. She was the only one in the situation with all the facts.

Those kids were her and Old financial responsibility. Not this man's.

There's another man out there that hasn't paid at all for kids he is creating.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 18:59

To accuse me of not liking men is unfair and totally unreasonable behaviour. Do you think I don't love my threat uncle? Suppose I hate my siblings and other men in my life?

I think its a little bit simple to lay such a silly accusation at my door when this is a very complex family situation which some on here are trying to boil down mere money and the lie. Daily situations are always far more complex than this, and it hurts me that my g.uncle was hurt this way, but his 'df' truly was a df and stood by him, I would have not loved my dear dear ggradad for behaving the way this man did toward his D's. I don't think my greats grandmother did the right thing in telling the DC, it dessimated their lives. She genuinely moved apart from her spouse, because of circumstances, and remained ever after till death to another man, (after the affair that resulted in DC finished when he abandoned her pregnant). Its horribly and messy, but my ggf stuck by them all, and would have continued, and my point is, their psyches would have remained in tact if they had kept this awful piece of information to themselves. The damage was caused by such as this unfolding story now.

Its not very grown up is it to call names at people that don't agree with your opinion.

...and as for the women support women [and their DC] yes, is exactly what MN is about. That's not the worst of MN, its the absolute best, and has supported many families out of horrible strife. If you consider, having read the horror stories frequently shared on MN, and can cast aspertions on MN ethos, one has to ask who does that.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 19:00

I see that this is about money for some and DC for others.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 19:01

*great (not threat)

Boysandbuses · 12/01/2019 19:05

Mumsnet is not about blindly supporting women and their stances regardless of their twatty behaviour.

It's also a website for parents not just women.

It was about money for the woman in this case.......But then any hint it's about money for him and he is the bad guy?

Maybe if she wasn't so money orientated she would have been a better parent and person.

It's not about the money for me. It's about not rolling over and being cohersed into financial obligations. You do realise what she did was abuse? She cohersed money out him based on lies. The other way round and it would financial abuse and emotional abuse.

Unfortunately, unless the police will prosecute her, financial recompense is all that's available. And since money is clearly more important to her the anything else, it's probably a a more suitable punishment.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 19:06

Sadly there are many men 'out there' not paying for their responsibilities.

I don't know,but who does hold the purse-strings in this? Is the woman of independent financial means or reliant upon his for hers and her dcs well-being? There seems to resentment about her 'millionaireness' status (I am wondering whether she and her DC should be better considered if they lived in the back garden shed of this mansion. Is this all about the harm done to the DC or the money, as all this for the sake of 250k is pretty low tbh.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 19:09

Its not called 'parentsnet'. Yes, mums are supported is the ethos.
And if you had read threads you would see that. These are pickings and derailing. You should read the threads and the hard time some women do get. These arguments are just silly.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 19:11

So, there it is...all about the money.

Boysandbuses · 12/01/2019 19:12

Sadly there are many men 'out there' not paying for their responsibilities

You mean like biological father in this situation. Yes there are. But he is ok because someone else was conned into footing the bill.

She held the purse strings. During a divorce she claimed she had 3 other people that this man should have been supporting. Except she knew there was a good chance they weren't his to support.

It wouldn't be any different if she were poor. But She did better our of the divorce and furure payments because she presented that they had 3 kids.

It's fraud. And in all cases where someone commits a crime, they are the ones responsible for the consquences.

Boysandbuses · 12/01/2019 19:15

Its not called 'parentsnet'. Yes, mums are supported is the ethos.

What does it say right under mumsnet at the top of your web page? Is it 'by parents for parents'.

Nowhere does mumsnet say we all have to support someone's shitty behaviour if they have a vagina.

So, there it is...all about the money.

What other recompense can there be. Yes it was about money......for her. So it's not a case of 'men only care about money'. It's some people care only about money.....like she did. I bet she wouldn't have pretended they were his if he was on minimum wage.

Smotheroffive · 12/01/2019 19:19

Sorry, this isn't a discussion, its being attacked for anything and everything said, and forcing your way of things.

Boysandbuses · 12/01/2019 19:20

Hang on....how am I forcing my way of things.......But you aren't. We are both disagreeing and putting our opinions forward.

If you arent up to backing your points, then don't. Don't throw around baseless accusations.

Exactly where have I attacked you?

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