To feel sad for the guy in the paternity fraud case

[moanymoaner]

Was watching it on GMB this morning and he was teary , I feel sad for him . I can't imagine finding out when the kids were older that they weren't yours! I get that the boys are standing with their mum but surely they must be feeling cross with her lies :( all such a mess for them :(

Oliversmumsarmy

But what you have put forward is a completely different scenario to what this man has gone through and is still going through.

It is also a situation which you as a woman cannot go through.

Oliversmumsarmy

Not sure where the company is in your story so I'm assuming it means some sort of assisted reproduction.

So are you saying if you found out 20 years later that say your embryos had been implanted in another woman and you had received hers but the only way to get information about it would be to sue the company, you wouldn't if your children asked you not to?

Or if the woman whose embryos developed into your children came forward because she had remained childless and was now trying to claim your children as her own you would not take it to court if the children asked you not to?

I find it very hard to believe.

I also think it changes the relationship if as a woman you carried and gave birth to children, even if genetically they weren't yours.

Maybe an equivalent scenario would be someone attempting to remove your adopted or step children. Would you make the case public if it meant you could highlight the case in a hope of keeping the children? If the children asked you not to do so but in keeping quiet it meant you would lose the children what would you do then?

BoneyBackJefferson

But there have been instances where children have been swapped at birth.

If the children asked you not to do so but in keeping quiet it meant you would lose the children what would you do then

But this is the complete opposite scenario.
If you sue you lose the children.

I said that he had agreed a punishment of £250k to be returned as a punishment and I felt that was sufficient.

So if someone robbed your house and was caught you'd be happy if they were just mad to return a small proportion of your stolen goods but otherwise they are free to go on their merry way? You're a much more forgiving person than I.

Yes but I'm wondering under what circumstances you would put the child's wishes first?

On every occasion? Or would there come a point where, despite the child asking you not to, the stakes are just so high that you would do it anyway?

There is no comparable scenario that a mother can be in is there?

There is no comparable scenario that a mother can be in is there?

Nearest I can get is a lesbian couple who decide to have a child using partner A's eggs, but partner B carrying the child. Then twenty years later A discovers B was having an affair with woman C and used C's eggs in the process instead. So the child A believed to be her biological child, isn't.

Oops he agreed to the £250k. That's the settlement he got because he agreed to it. Who am I to question that? He didn't have to agree to it if he wasn't happy with it.

The only way the robbing analogy works is if the person who committed the crime is a known to you and punishing them might harm your close relations. Yes, it's feasible you would react differently in those circumstances to a stranger robbing you.

But I personally have only been talking about the fact that he went to the press about it all. If my exh robbed me and I had agreed on how he would be punished I would not then go to the press with the story in order to get revenge, particularly if I knew my children would be dragged into the situation.

Still no one has managed to offer a reasonable explanation as to why he went to the press and did multiple interviews rather than releasing a statement or give one interview, other than that he wanted the story out there for revenge. It's not the best motivation. If you believe being hurt and wronged is a good enough reason for anyone to go around causing further damage to people they love that's your opinion. It's not mine.

Well we don't know the circumstances of the press interviews do we?

Possibly they were all threatening to publish a story unless he spoke to them?

Why has the son done interviews? Surely if they wanted less coverage by just letting the man's story be published it would have died down much quicker?

The only situation I can think is the similar is a married couple divorces after 20 years. The wide is the main bread winner. Upon divorce, she pays him 4 million plus child maintenance since he is the main carer plus spousal support.

A while later the wife posts that she has been given proof that the ex husband had been having an affair and then defrauded her during the divorce and won far more money he was entitled to and more maintaince. This amount would be in the hundreds of thousands upwards.

But her adult kids had asked her mot to pursue it because they would be embarrassed and wouldn't speak to her.

No way would anyone tell her to roll over and no quietly into the night. They would be saying that the father is manipulating and emotional abusing the son's to stop her doing this.

Except this is worse as it would be like the woman finding out she had been bringing up and paying for his bit in the sides kids..mmwhich wouldn't happen.

No one would tell her to leave it for the grown up kids sake.

Everyone also seems to be forgetting there's another woman who deserves to know the truth too. Another woman whose husband has 3 kids she knows nothing about.

Boys you're making the assumption the real father is currently married. You have no evidence at all the state that.

Weetabix, the son would have been approached and probably wanted to give his side of the story in response. He actually explains himself how it happened and what he thinks in the DM article.

*@Doyoumind

Still no one has managed to offer a reasonable explanation as to why he went to the press and did multiple interviews rather than releasing a statement or give one interview

Not agreeing with the explanations offered does not make them unreasonable.

He will have been advised to control the message and that means multi-platform responses. This is straight out of corporate PR 101.

Can those posting to caroldanvers not accept that she's left and explained herself. You are circlng, she's been very clear and you cannot force her to talk about her situation, or force her to change her mind. Its unreasonable to post about her when she has left.

Says a lot.

And Boys you are still talking about the case and not the news stories. This hypothetical woman may have settled out of court too and then not done press interviews. Another man in the same situation may not have done press interviews.

Boys you're making the assumption the real father is currently married. You have no evidence at all the state that.

There’s no proof, but the father made reference in an interview to her saying the father was a married man who would not leave his wife.

But her adult kids had asked her mot to pursue it because they would be embarrassed and wouldn't speak to her.

In fact, the adult kids are actually accusing her of fabricating the whole situation and lying about it.

While the sons were asking him not to go public, were they at the same time expressing any regret for having accused him of lying about the diagnosis, the infertility and the DNA results?

Imagine if a woman said 'I've just had a life-changing medical diagnosis which I'm struggling to come to terms with. I've asked my family for help but they're accusing me of lying about it and asking me not to tell anyone.'

Says a lot.

That they understand how a forum works?

The messages will still be there when she gets back

Marta the sons, for whatever reason, thought he was capable of lying in such a way. Their mother should have been honest with them at that point. God knows why she wasn't but if you don't expect the man to act rationally don't expect her to.

There's a reason that family court deal with family situations, to protect. I think this is horrific and highly destructive to the family, if there's now anything left of it.

Women are supporting women here, because its been shit for many women being women, they often, more often than men end up the ones in poverty, and are continually attacked for supporting each other. You have what you want, noone agrees that it was OK to lie, people just seem to be talking at cross purposes to nail a point home?!

Nearest I can get is a lesbian couple who decide to have a child using partner A's eggs, but partner B carrying the child. Then twenty years later A discovers B was having an affair with woman C and used C's eggs in the process instead. So the child A believed to be her biological child, isn't.

Doesn’t have to be lesbians. If a couple were undergoing fertility treatment and a man was told there would have to be expensive treatment to retrieve an egg from his wife, so he substituted his mistresses eggs instead, there’s that way. But then at least that mother would still carry that child and give birth (this does create a genetic connection even if the egg is not hers) rather than being an entirely unrelated person who just happened to be around while they grew up.

No, easy don't be obstructive

Smotheroffive
Women are supporting women here,

Some women are supporting this woman here.

Some can see past the sex of the one that has caused all this grief.

Weetabix, the son would have been approached and probably wanted to give his side of the story in response. He actually explains himself how it happened and what he thinks in the DM article.
So you are saying that it's ok for the son to give interviews to put his side of the story because he was approached, but it isn't ok for the man to do the same?

Women are supporting women here

Do what? We aren't talking about "women" we are talking about the actions of one woman. Why on earth is this about women supporting women?

Who is supporting this woman? As has already been said, questioning the man's motives and actions does not automatically mean condoning the woman's. They are two separate issues. It's not that difficult to understand.

I am 100% certain there are men who would have acted differently in these exact circumstances.

This happened in my family. The 'son' in this scenario is my great uncle. He still cries at the betrayal, as a very much older man. It is my belief his psyche would have managed better not knowing. The DM in my situation was honest and told all concerned, and it broke the family, forever, individually.

I am seriously glad it is not my family that the press and other pernicious types are picking over the bones of knowing the harm that comes of it and I am seriously relieved my dggf didn't do to his 'family' what this man has done to his, despite the fact it nearly killed him. He was honorouble and protected those under his care, whether they were his or no, all the while they needed that protection.

I think the DMs here are saying the same; in all honesty, I don't know what I would do to secure the safety of DC, perhaps perjury myself. To me, it is all about fighting for the children, this is the instinct, to keep them safe, yes physically, but psychologically of course is also imperative, ad for many is the overriding everything. I think most women and men can understand that kind of surviving. Yes, recompense for that is completely reasonable, once DC futures are more secure,but should not be done involving DC in this way. What DC isn't going to reply given press opportunity. They are not finished growing and can easier be taken full advantage of.

The poster above who said this is women supporting women I am guessing.