Am I scarring my child for life

[BettyBoo246]

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

brilliant news, very glad to hear it.

May the good nights sleep keep coming! I get why you said it, a moment of madness but its over and done with and hopefully thats the end of it xD

Well done OP!
We went through similar things, and in the end just got a king size bed and said DC's can always come in if they wake in the night.
I'm sitting here tired out because DD9 came and slept in the other night after she woke with nightmares, but tbh we've grown used to this being as it is, and it's not frequent at all - once a month if that. I remember waking in the night with terrors from when I was young, and why wouldn't you want your parents' comfort?
They'll move out in a few years hopefully!!

I got as far as reading:

Darling, if he starts sleeping in your bed, he'll never leave. Your husband might, though

I'm hoping plenty of MNers have jumped on this and told you it's complete nonsense. Just in case though - THIS IS BOLLOCKS. Even if it was true, you'd be better off without a man that would leave you for this reason.

Your son may be telling you that he's afraid of the dark, or monsters, but his insecurity most likely comes from all the changes at home. The whole family are sleeping in one room EXCEPT HIM. He's scared and lonely, especially at night on his own.

Don't scream at a scared child. I understand that you're having a tough time, but so is your son. You are the adult, the one he needs to look after him.

Well done op

Let him in the bed. Get DH to sleep in son's room or spare room. Accept that for a few weeks you'll share your bed with a wiggly worm and then gradually wean him back into his own bed.

My DD has always struggled with her sleep and when DH and I split up in October she was suddenly terrified of the dark / creepy noises etc.. We have a soothing routine, dim lights on and I leave the door open so she can hear the TV downstairs. This is normally enough but for a few weeks there she slept in my bed. I put her straight to bed in my bed to save night time wake ups and she slept fine and I slept ok. After Xmas I gradually reintroduced her to her bed (she goes to bed in her bed and I promise to pop up and check lots! For a few nights she'd sneak into my bed in the middle of the night and I let her and after that I started putting her back in her bed once she was asleep and now I just say - 1 quick cuddle and then off back to bed).

Oh OP I have PMT so am overly emotional but your update has literally brought happy tears to my eyes, you know your DS slept so well because he went to bed feeling safe and comforted, well done you

This is such a lovely update, this thread has shown how positive MN can be when you're at the end of your tether and really really need a hand hold. Glad he slept so well for all of you.

You are a warrior!!!!!!! Well done xxx

Just read the thread OP and I'm so happy for you.
Think we've all shouted at our kids for something and regretted it straight after. Make sure you do everything the same tonight and fingers crossed you've turned a corner. Maybe a rewards chart may help?
Either way, well done and hopefully it continues

I’m just so grateful most of you were non judgmental and sympathised. MN really can be a life saver sometimes. I wish some of my actual friends/family could be as understanding

You need to make your child feel more secure. To be honest in your situation I would go to bed early with the baby and your 5yo all in the same bed. Your DP can sleep in the 5yo's single. You'll all get morw sleep, your older child will feel safe and comforted, and in a few weeks you can address moving him back to his bed in a slow and gentle manner

^ this

Brill update, sorry didn’t see it before

Have you thought of a fairy worry plaque or a worry monster, we have used both of these and they helped massively, they did not totally solve the problem but we don't have the midnight crying anymore.

What an amazing update! Yay you and your DS and your DH! None of us get this right all the time! Well done for asking for help and hope that this sets you all off in the right direction.

Fantastic update, well done! Fingers crossed for tonight, and the next 1000 nights.....

So happy to hear the thread has given you some ideas for how to deal with it in future. Having strategies up your sleeve is so empowering, and helps you feel more in control, which in turn makes you more relaxed about it if it happens which in turn makes it less likely to happen and much less of an issue if it does

@CmdrIvanova I had not idea! She told us and we believed her! We were lucky that it worked for us. However I am a bit curious as to how they came to the conclusion that red is relaxing. I feel more anger, energy and restlessness with red light. Perhaps everyone is affected differently from different colours?

So I’m here again it’s getting so hard now. Ds is still not sleeping. We’ve tried literally every option on this thread. If I let him in our bed he just talks all night waking dd, if dh sleeps in his bed ds will wake when dh goes to work at 4.30am. I’ve bought a musical night light thing, a worry monster. Lavender pillow spray, relaxing bedtime story apps, returning him to bed without speaking etc etc the list is endless.
I’ve made an appointment with the school nurse and will see if she advises doctors. Dh has had a bit of a telling off at work for being late a couple of mornings as ds made it physically impossible for him to leave the house and now ds teacher has commented that his behaviour/concentration is being reflected in his lack of sleep. I literally have no idea what to do now.

I would go to your GP and try to get a referral to a sleep specialist, or even a sleep clinic, as it is starting to affect work and education.

Have you looked here? www.thechildrenssleepcharity.org.uk/about.php

My final controversial suggestion would be a medicine containing an antihistamine, before bedtime. The NHS does mention their use as a short-term treatment for sleeplessness www.nhs.uk/conditions/antihistamines/

I’ve literally just been looking through that website.

A friend whose ds has adhd told me her gp prescribed them with melatonin which is a natural sleep aid but I really don’t want to go down this route unless absolutely necessary or if our own gp recommends it.

I’m not sure how helpful/useful the school nurse will be so I’ll make an appointment with gp too as that will take another week to be seen anyway.

That sounds like a plan. It does sound a step beyond the usual sleep difficulties that young children have.
The side effects of melatonin are off-putting but see what the doc says.

I agree with the quick fixes. When my children were little, one of us would lay with them some nights until they fell asleep. We’d let them get into our bed if they woke in the night. They aren’t going to be doing that when they’re 14! It fixes itself. Do whatever you have to do to get sleep. You may only need to sleep in with him a couple of nights to break the cycle. He needs reassurance and calm. My children didn’t really sleep through the whole night until they started infant school. Audiobooks definitely helped as did a good bath, bedtime wind down routine, a story and nightlights.

My hubby had 4am starts too when our children were babies. I’ve never known tiredness like it. I think it’ll ease a bit for you when your eldest starts school as it tires them out.

Thanks jakesmum unfortunately ds is 6 this year so already in year 1.
I thought letting him in to our bed would be the quick fix but he just wants to talk all night or tap me on the head all night or keep checking on dd (9 weeks old so still in our room)
My mum has offered to have him for a few days/nights to give us a rest but I fear this will only feed ds’s anxieties.
It’s so so hard I feel like giving up but there isn’t the option too

Can you find time to go swimming after school? More physical activity until he literally has no energy left - hopefully a few good nights would help break the cycle.

I really do believe he just needs to break this cycle, even on the rare occasion he stays in bed he now always gets up at 6 for the toilet as his body clock has now adjusted to this. How he survives at school on a few hours sleep is beyond me. I can barely function anymore!
I keep looking for clubs/activities after school but there isn’t much for his age, his swimming lessons are on sundays and all local pools are booked up with lessons until around 6pm which is a bit too late with me having dd with me, dh worked till 6.30 every night.
Really appreciate the tips though! Docs can’t get us in till end of jan not sure I’ll still be alive and kicking by then