Am I scarring my child for life

[BettyBoo246]

My 5 year old ds has recently started getting out of bed at night. It all began when he saw a scary Panto which we have now overcome but it now ranges from not wanting to be on his own to being scared of the dark. He’ll get up around 10-20 times a night. And it’s never a peaceful affair, he starts crying and screaming, which makes me start crying and screaming sad I am making things 10 tens worse and I don’t know what else to do, I say some horrible things that probably just make him feel even more scared and unsafe, things like he’lol have to go and leave at grandmas or daddy can’t leave here anymore as he keeps waking him (dh has to go work at 4am) I really have tried being nice, talking about his worries and reassuring him but after a few nights it all reverts back to this horrible screaming at each other. I hate that he sees me like that and last night I was crying again pleading with him to stay in bed, he told me to stop crying for god sake and he wanted his real mummy back sad I am heartbroken and desperate for help. I do have an 8 week old dd so I do believe this and starting year 1 at school is all contributing to his anxieties/insecurities, I just feel out of my depth. I have posted this in sleep section too as I just don’t know where to turn to for help

hickerydickerydockmouse that's completely wrong - blue light is the most disruptive colour for sleep, it's red that doesn't affect sleep.
www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/blue-light-has-a-dark-side

I really feel for you. I had this years ago with my 4 year old and newborn. Plus pnd. I made my bedroom into a sanctuary for us 3. 4 year old would come in and I’d welcome her, hold her and settle her straight back to sleep leaving me free to then either sleep or sort baby. I watched tv and DVD’s all night if I was up and tried to enjoy it. It was ok. In the day I was exhausted but calm. Once 4 yo in school and baby slept, so did I. The house was a mess but I wasn’t if you u derstand? I loved it even with pnd. Forwards 4 years. Now 8 yo sleeps without me but still with a side light on all night. My now 4 yo sonetimes sleeps through but often does the crying. I invite her in, my husband goes into her bed and we all quickly get back off to sleep.
I hope that helps you. X

When my ds was about 4 he was scared at night, I told him we were going for a very special shopping trip to buy him a bear that had special powers to keep all bad things away. We bought a bear, reinforced how special he was and that he would keep him safe. 9 years on he still has the bear with him and it worked like a dream!

We had very similar with DS1 when DS2 came along.

Like pp, we ended up putting a mattress/pillow/duvet next to DS1’s bed and if he woke up in the night one of went in and slept next to him. Everyone slept. We couldn’t have in our bed as he wriggled!

If worked and crucially de-escalates the tension and anxiety.

I also think these type of “bed hopping” arrangements are very common with young children. One of my friends used to joke that sometimes no-one in the house woke up in the same bed they went to sleep to.

Then they get more independent and it passes.

Also, feeling sheepish to post this, but I read a poem when we had this with DS1 which really affected how I decided to deal with it:

“There are parents who stroke their children’s cheeks in the dead night,
And sing in the colourful voices of rainbows, red to blue.

Those parents are not you. I never chose you. You are rough and wild, I don’t want to be your child. All you do is shout and that’s not right.”

It did really help me see it from DS1’s perspective.

As my husband pointed out to me when all our son wanted to do was sleep in with us (couldnt tell you what age, under one he was and is at times a terrible sleeper and the 1st year is a blur!) we have each other in the same bed and room (and for me and him it is comforting) so its not surprise babies/toddlers/ young children would want that comfort too!

I also remember reading the advice of do what you can to sleep in the short term and deal with the long term later. Everything will seem so much better after a decent nights sleep.

Dont feel bad about shouting, i shouted at my son twice today and made him cry. We were up at 5 both shattered and i am on and in alot of pain. I feel awful and gave him a big hug at bed time but he was a shit and pushed my buttons. It happens parenting is tough!!

Ok so you're making it worse.

I know you're exhausted but you need to stop screaming and crying at him. He won't understand this. I'm sure you can manage that?

Your DH also needs to chip in here too. Threatening him with Daddy not being able to live at home and him having to go stay with grandparents is being really cruel and very harsh to an already frightened child. Please stop this.

Just do what you need to do to get through. It won't always be this way but as long as you're all trying to get sleep it'll be better.

You need sleep. That should be your priority. I’m gping to suggest setting up a palette on your bedroom floor for him. A stack of blankets or some pillows will work for a mattress. If he is scared, he can sleep there. He gets to feel closer and most importantly, you all get back to bed faster.

I really hope for the poor boys sake that you stop screaming at him and threatening him.

If you do continue with this you need some serious help. Maybe a weekend with his grandma would help

Op my 6 year old sometimes comes into our bed and dh goes into her bed.

I think he needs really reassuring 1st worry about everything else second.
It upset me when people say.. Never let child into a your bed you'll never get them out. It's simply not true and dependant on the child! Comfort him, make him feel secure.. Lie down with him lots of cuddles in your bed.. Maybe let him fall asleep there then carry him through, get your dh to go without quibble into the single.

The poor lamb. Poor you op as well its not easy with small baby... Very tough times look after yourself too.

toughtips the thread is on page 7. It has moved on. The OP has a plan to.move forward and salvage things.

Good idea purple to have little bed in there for him to sleep.

I hope tonight goes ok OP x
Not much else to add except maybe get a spare moses basket off fb selling page for his room so you a d baby can 'camp' in his room this weekend... or get him a Readybed (it's a sleeping bag with integrated air mattress) for your room.

Hope she does then. She worried me when she said if she feels the need to scream again she will read these comments. So you know, hopefully she does.

She's had some very kind comments but it's worrying that she's been doing this and then only stopping cos some people online told her it's not good.

I went through this with ds when dd was born. New baby and new school routine just put him out of sync.
I used to get up and put him back but ultimately realised he just wanted the reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere He co-slept for a while, then we moved into story cds as well as sleeping with the light on. He's 12 now and when he can't sleep (which isn't very often) he puts in an audiobook.
My dd has also gone through phases of being scared, and I just let her in my bed. They're only small for such a short period of time that where they sleep really doesn't matter in the long run. But they will remember that when they were scared that they can come to you.

Oh OP you poor thing! I really sympathise with you. I love my DCs to bits but if they repeatedly get me up in the night I turn into a harridan. I just can't cope with the sleep deprivation!

Both of mine have had short phases of doing this. I also wasn't keen on letting them into our bed as I wanted them to be able to settle in their own beds.

The thing that worked for us was this. When they get up you take them straight back to bed, quick cuddle and tuck them in etc. Then say they need to stay in bed and if they do you'll come and check on them in 3 minutes. Go back to your room, count 3 minutes on the clock (don't fall asleep!), and go back to them briefly. Say well done for staying in bed and that you'll be back in another 3 minutes. Repeat until they are asleep. Repeat each time they get up.

If they get up before the 3 minutes is up, take them back and calmly say they need to be in bed for you to come and check on them.

You can gradually increase the time to 4 or 5 minutes.

This seemed to work for us. Whatever you try ... good luck!!

OP this was me to a tee 11 years ago (time flies) and I still feel bad about it. My daughter is not scarred and she does not rememeber and she is a lovely 13 year old but I have told her how unfair I behaved and why. I apologised, for both our sakes.
Like you I was exhausted, with not much help and I could not understand why she would do this TO ME! When I had given her my whole day! All I wanted was two hours of peace. And then like you I would feel soooo bad.
What resonated with me is your sentence, “if i put him
In my bed he’ll never come out”. I used to think that. But now, if I could go back, I would put him in bed, I would do anything that would make it easier for both of us. They do come out of your bed. Trust me. They do.
Easy to say that but in hindsight I would cuddle up with her, in her bed, in my bed, in front of the tv, anywhere. And just take it easy.
My dd, like yours had a new sibling, was in a new bigger house and all alone in a big room. I can see now plenty of reasons to be afraid. At the time I could see none, because I was too wxhausted to be able to empathise.

My only suggestion would be, be kind to yourself. Forget what it should be and do what it feels good. It is early days. And even if you mess up, it’ll be fine. We all did it and still do.

hope you had a better night op

Just let him get in bed with you. It will pass.

Both of my boys were always welcome to snuggle up and sleep with us if they wanted to.

If your DH needs to sleep to get up for work and there isn't enough room get him to sleep in DS's bed.

For a while there we had musical beds, but now they are older (8 and 14) I can't remember the last time any one didn't sleep in their own bed.

Number 1 priority is that everyone sleeps, does it really matter how this is achieved?

Firstly I think you're doing amazingly, you've said things in the depths of exhaustion and shouldn't beat yourself up for that, you have asked for advice to stop it!

Can you look up some books to read to your ds at bedtime about worries and night worries? Can you draw a comic strip (literally mean stick man figures) of the fears he's got, for example;

Ds; I'm scared someone will come in my room
Mummy; we've locked all the doors and windows, no one can get in,

And then draw pictures to illustrate this and say to him that if he is ever absolutely terrified he can come in your room, but does he really need to? Because he's waking you up and making you exhausted and it's a terrible situation for all. I think 5 is a good age to reason with a child and get them to understand.

Ask him if he wakes up in the night what he thinks he could do to get himself back to sleep - cuddle a teddy, take a book into bed with him.

Music is a great idea. Can he take a toy torch to bed? Night lights? Could you get him some lavender spray and tell him it's magic sleeping spray and to spray a little when he wakes up? (If he can be trusted with it 😂) if not you could spray it before bed and tell him it will last all night.

Could you get him a worry monster (where they write the worries in/draw a pic and the monster eats it)

Hi everyone, I just wanted to let you know I had a good talk with ds after school and told him that I was sorry for shouting at him and that of course he will never have to live anywhere else nor will daddy and that we will always be together and me and daddy will keep him safe, I also told him that if he is ever too scared at night that to come and tell me and I won’t scream or shout anymore, I’ve also put the monitor in his room so he can talk to me over the monitor and I will either come in to him or talk back over the monitor to reassure him.
I think it helped as he went to bed at 7.45pm dh played him one of those relaxing bedtime stories and reiterated what I had told him and we didn’t hear from him till 6.30am this morning, it was before the sun comes up on his gro clock (7am) but it was only for the toilet and I told him I was very proud of him etc. I know tonight might be a different story and tomorrow and the next etc but at least last night we all had more sleep.

I am so grateful to you all, you don’t realise how much you have helped me, even if there are more sleepless nights to come I know I’m not alone and perhaps not quite the worst mother in the world and have got so many back up ideas from all your replies

BettyBoo246

fantastic news OP!
There's a reason why sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture, no one can deny that's it's the hardest thing in the world.

Oh that's a lovely update OP!

I had a poor sleeper myself and I do appreciate how frustrating it is. Even the odd good night can get you through so much easier.

thats a lovely update xx