When I Rule the World (lighthearted)

[wictional]

No driver who goes more than 10mph below the speed limit shall be allowed on the roads between 7-9am and 4-6pm (weather conditions permitted). Neither shall their car. AIBU?

Also, there will be one day a week where customer service staff will be allowed to say what they want rather than having to be polite about it. Like the purge, but with no murder. Hopefully.

Since I am a fair ruler, I will now hear requests from my subjects.

Press1 sure, we need protection from all the mainlanders with all their rules. You can only sweep if you want to though, no one is allowed to do anything that makes them sad or tired. Remember not to bring a bra and I'll get you a really comfy Mao suit. We swim naked in the warm sea.

press1

Remotes for people will be near the top of my list.

(Psst, you can go braless on the mainland, not sure why the Islanders are spreading Fake News)

Saying 'happy new year' after 1st January will be banned.

I don't like DMs, they don't fit, and I LIKE my bra.

Come to the island, only do what you want to. We swing in hammocks and swim naked in the sea. We have free fags that are good for you and smell lovely.

Can we wear a bra if we have a medical certificate to say that we need one?

Food would be turned on it's head and the more you eat the slimmer you get. Fags would be good for you and free (and smell lovely to passersby).

You've definitely got the job!

There will be plenty of space on planes so that I don’t spend the flight with my knees jammed into the back of the chair in front.

There will be enough space for seats to recline without the person behind having someone’s head in their lap.

No one will charge me for a cup of tea on said flight: they’ll just bring it to me.

Sorka - all plane journeys longer than 2 hours will have proper reclining seats like the beds in business class.

Manufacturers who shrink the size of the individual items in multipacks compared to standard single packs will lose all profits on that product. There will be exemptions for obviously different products like fun size.

Docs won’t need the ‘wearing in’ period of Hell and will be affordable

Noisy sweet bags and noisy eaters be banned from all public areas such as cinemas, public transport and front rooms 😁 as should people who publically talk on mobile phones about there most intimate doings/problems.

I will remove all handles from doors which you are supposed to push, not pull.

People who say “would of”/“could of”/“should of” will be forced to write lines detailing their foolishness.

Every single person who voted Brexit will do 2 years compulsory community service every weekend.

People who get on busses then act all surprised the driver wants money/bus pass, and then take an eternity to find them at the bottom of their bag will be removed from the bus and forced to walk to their destination while random passers by kick them up the arse

Nearly. Gig tickets will be free, and rock stars will be cloned, so we can all have one.

People will be made to stand at gigs in height order so short arses like me can see more than the back of someone’s head

Speedos will be banned, so I never again need to relive the horror I experienced when I saw a man at the local pool that I thought was completely naked. Nope, he was just fat to the point his belly hid the speedos entirely. I was milliseconds from yelling “ pervert!”, covering my sons eyes and calling over a lifeguard.

Apart from making larger bellies men look naked, they’re ridiculous and look good on nobody.

Sod space travel, all the scientists and geniuses at NASA will instead be tasked with making high heels that are as comfy as DMs. I’m short,and l like looking like I’m
normal height. What I don’t like is hammer toes and blisters the size of airbags.

Noisy sweet bags and noisy eaters be banned from all public areas such as cinemas, public transport

May I petition for a similar ban on people with blocked noses who sniff the entire time rather than wiping/occasional nose blowing with a tissue?

I also petition for the development of a cough-suppressing sweet/pastille for similar reasons/venues.

I will remove David Beckham's voicebox and have him stand in whatever room I choose in nothing more than a pair of tighty whiteys. I will have Tim Minchin as my dinner guest at least 3 times per week after my stylist has made me to look exactly like, but a better version of his wife so that he'll fall absolutely head over heels with me and then we'll have Rob Zombie, Black Stone Cherry and the Stones at for us each evening alternatively. Oh, and I'll order MI5 to execute every bad ex I've ever had.

Once my 'basic' needs are fulfilled I'll ban anyone buying new stuff apart from an essentials list that I decide, ban plastic, and restrict processed food.

I would be a very very bad ruler of the world 😂

People who drop litter will be caught out and punished!

People who stop in groups for a chat in the middle of narrow passages, be they pavements, supermarket aisles or whatever. Instant electrocution. No mercy.
People who drive in cars less than a mile distance without a good excuse (i.e. serious physical disability, baby screaming for whatever reason, or who really are continuing journey after a short drop-off, not 'I'm short of time or it's raining') to be either heavily fined or subjected to cattle prods, not quite sure yet.
Definitely agree about low-paid customer service staff having the right to tell people what they think of them, and the dog-shit-leavers having it all dumped on their doorstep for a month. I liked that one.
Also nobody is to have a household income of more than 20x the lowest. No expense 'loopholes' allowed.