When I Rule the World (lighthearted)

[wictional]

No driver who goes more than 10mph below the speed limit shall be allowed on the roads between 7-9am and 4-6pm (weather conditions permitted). Neither shall their car. AIBU?

Also, there will be one day a week where customer service staff will be allowed to say what they want rather than having to be polite about it. Like the purge, but with no murder. Hopefully.

Since I am a fair ruler, I will now hear requests from my subjects.

Small bags on wheels would be banned in my world, with harsh sentences for those people that stop immediately they step off the escalator or train so as to put their bag on wheels back on the floor.

The same harsh sentence for anyone who steps out of their seat at the theatre, into the gangway, then stops, looks confused and has to think about which direction they want to go. For pities sake, everyone is going the same way, how hard can it be to find the bar/loo/exit?

People who put something suitable on their phone to entertain their children, but have the volume up loud enough to irritate people four tables away. I have no issues with people watching their phone or using it to entertain their child, just turn the volume down please.

I would ban any sign or mention of Christmas unless between 20th and 28th December.

I would revert the lightbulb system back to the time when you didn't need a degree in electrical engineering just to know what lightbulb you are buying i.e. when it was just watts before watts, lumens and volts all came into play.

I would issue an edict that offers a knighthood / unimaginable wealth to someone who invents a non prescription cure for nail fungus that works, and works quickly.

I would ban the internet / smart phones. (And, yes I do see the irony of this final one.)

InsomniacAnonymous why ban pyjamas? My husband would rather wear them than a nightdress and so would I.

To stop the infestation of the horrible, horrible, horrible term, "PJs".

Once everyone's forgotten about them, I might allow pyjamas back, but only to people who can call them by their proper name. Any "PJ"-ing results in an instant re-ban.

It's for the greater good.

Make men have a similar monthly thing like periods so they have an understanding of what women go through. Ditto childbirth ( not going to mention passing a melon through their rectum - no not me).
Devise something that turns dog poo into vapour so it disappears on contact with the ground.
Penalise people who cough/ sneeze without covering their mouth. Ditto knobhead drivers. Also Inconsiderate parking.

Weed would be legal, alcohol illegal, LSD optional but regular shrooms obligatory.

Frickssake

Everyone knows childbirth hurts less than being kicked in the balls. A woman gives birth and will soon enough say 'lets have another one!' Nobody ever asks for another kick in the balls.

People who...

Don’t pick up after dogs
Drop litter everywhere
Regularly keep their neighbours awake with noise/music
Drive like inconsiderate nobs
Spit everywhere
Smash bottles in parks

... would all go live on a special island together and enjoy each other’s anti social behaviour, leaving the rest of us to live in clean peace & harmony.

I would ban any sign or mention of Christmas unless between 20th and 28th December

Sorry, but under my rule, Christmas is from 1st–26th December

Everyone shall be entitled to one lottery win per household. But you won’t know when...

I'd get rid of everyone who dares to disagree with me at work

We can cancel Brexit as long as everyone (on both sides) agrees to shut up about it.

OP please can I leave my tree up until 12th night? [santa]

@badlydrawnperson of course!
It’s bad luck otherwise

Physical or mental abuse towards any person or animal will be a hangable offence, no one will be poor, everyone will have at least 3 days off a week and 12 weeks holiday a year.

Reverse gear in all automatic cars will be a backwards movement on the lever.

Maternity pay would be at full pay for 1 year (then half pay for a second year if wanted)

Paternity leave would be 6 months.

Single parents would get holiday allowance of 2 people.

Parking would be free.

all parking spaces would be the size of P&C spaces

Government would give all tax paid back as a lump sum.

Everyone knows childbirth hurts less than being kicked in the balls. A woman gives birth and will soon enough say 'lets have another one!' Nobody ever asks for another kick in the balls.

thinking or uttering these word will also be a hangable offence!

Reverse gear in all automatic cars will be a backwards movement on the lever.

What about when the lever is on the steering column?

@NigelGresley for president (bloodless coup)

Wages will be calculated on how kind and helpful you are. Carers would receive £150k pa. This money would come not from bitter tax payers but straight from Baby Jesus in his manger.

If I was in charge the speed limit everywhere except for motorway and dual carriageway would be 15mph.

Maternity wards? No more. Individual family room set up. Double bed for mum, side city for baby and sofa bed like they have in Premier Inn for dads or support.
Nightime maternity nurse for those they want them.

A kick in the balls that everyone that says childbirth is less painful than a kick in the potatoes. Also a link up to one of those fake labour, contraction inducing machines for about 14 hours after a week of carrying a fake pregnancy body for a couple for weeks.

I would like to outlaw clothing and hair choice. Everyone wears a Mao suit and has a pudding bowl haircut. The only shoes allowed are trainers, flip flops or slippers. Make up will be banned and everyone will drive the same car and live in the same type of house issued free based on family size. All homes will have 2 jack russell dogs. Everyone will address me as The Emperor.

tiggerkid
I'd get rid of everyone who dares to disagree with me at work

I'd get rid of everyone who dares disagree with me period - including those who want to do things like abolish pyjamas. You know who you are.

People who whistle in public (men, without fail it’s always men!) will be punished. I haven’t yet chosen their punishment but it’ll be bad.

Everyone must have afternoon naps, it is illegal to make up the loss of productivity.

Each free house will come with swimming pool and hot tub as standard.