When I Rule the World (lighthearted)

[wictional]

No driver who goes more than 10mph below the speed limit shall be allowed on the roads between 7-9am and 4-6pm (weather conditions permitted). Neither shall their car. AIBU?

Also, there will be one day a week where customer service staff will be allowed to say what they want rather than having to be polite about it. Like the purge, but with no murder. Hopefully.

Since I am a fair ruler, I will now hear requests from my subjects.

thighof

Again, i’m not an unfair ruler. You can indeed be emperor. Of the aforementioned tiny unconnected island (where we’re also going to send everyone who chews with their mouth open)

Everyone knows childbirth hurts less than being kicked in the balls. A woman gives birth and will soon enough say 'lets have another one!' Nobody ever asks for another kick in the balls.

I'd make sure anyone saying shit like this was repeatedly kicked in the balls or subjected to artificial labour pains. Seriously, it's such a lazy and pathetic argument.

@wictional Can we send anti-vaxxers and MLMers to the island?

All offices to have a nap area for any parents that had a bad night with the kids.

@Huggybear16

Of course!

I'd make sure anyone saying shit like this was repeatedly kicked in the balls or subjected to artificial labour pains

Also loving this idea

In that case, love your manifesto. You've got my vote.

It will be perfectly acceptable to wear your pyjamas at all times.

InSightMars I'd get rid of everyone who dares disagree with me period - including those who want to do things like abolish pyjamas. You know who you are.
^^

It's for your own good. I make no apologies for ridding the universe of

I will have a ‘reveal’ button. At any time you can click on a persons twitter name (for example) and immediately get a live video feed of them and also an accurate biog. Mwahaha. Anime profile picture users watch out! We know you aren’t really a cute kitten schoolgirl...

The ‘white for wedding, black for funerals’ tradition will be reversed, enabling women to lool slim, chic and stylish on their wedding day, and lumpy and childish at funerals when no one is taking photos.

No one will be allowed to win more than £5million on the lottery. If there's rollovers that make the jackpot more than that, winners will be allowed to choose charities to donate the rest to.

Anyone who has a household income of less than £100k will be entitled to free essential house maintenance, so no one will ever have to get in to debt to pay for things like a non leaking roof or a boiler that works.

Everyone will be entitled to six weeks paid holiday a year, to be taken at a time of their own choosing, including school staff.

Trades and delivery people will be required to turn up on the day and at the time they say they will. I’m open to discussion over death or lifetime imprisonment as a penalty, I’m not a despot.

People who stop at the bottom or top of busy escalators or at the station ticket gates will just be culled though.

@LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD

The reveal button sounds amazing!

Click on someone who posts only amazing photos of themselves (looking all sexy and model like on exotic holidays) and reveal them watching Jeremy Kyle in their pants eating coco pops.

Why do i have to go to the island!? I'm really nice!

I do want to be Emperor though, Empress isn't enough for me oh no. I've been downtrodden all my life i NEED POWER.

Ok, i will go to the island and make it awesome.

I'd put a yellow box junction/traffic lights/mini roundabout at both ends of my road, drive through drop off at primary school and traffic lights at secondary drop off.

And world peace, obvs.

The London Living Wage will become the new nation wide minimum wage

A 4 day week will be implemented.

Working overtime without extra compensation will be illegal.

Pret Veggie Brioche will be reduced to a subsidised 50p

People will communicate via coded handkerchiefs and artisanal chocolates

Wtf are artisanal chocolates they sound awful

Ok, i will go to the island and make it awesome

That’s the spirit! If you do a fab enough job, you can be my right-hand advisor

All loyalty cards will follow the Boots model

OP - when you are in charge can you abolish all the humourless twats who make it necessary for you to put the "lighthearted" qualification in your OP?

OP - when you are in charge can you abolish all the humourless twats who make it necessary for you to put the "lighthearted" qualification in your OP

I might create little flags that say “joking”

I’m considering massive flags that pop out the car roof to display the speed limit when behind a horrifically slow car (and abolishing the phrase “limit not a target”)

A fried egg will be mandatory if you have bubble and squeak.

Universal basic income for all.
Access to social housing for anyone requesting it (building and maintaining these properties would stimulate the economy and make point one affordable).
All politicians must spend at least six months living on UBI and in social housing before being allowed to take up their post.
Minor injuries / walk in clinics in all towns / cities to take pressure off A&E.
Oh, and zero calorie chocolate!!

Everyone knows childbirth hurts less than being kicked in the balls. A woman gives birth and will soon enough say 'lets have another one!' Nobody ever asks for another kick in the balls.

Actually all this proves is that woman are so much stronger than men. I've never heard a woman bitch and moan about the pain of labour, we just get on with it.
I would imagine being kicked in the balls is as sore as standing on a plug or stubbing your toe.

Acrually the only pain that has made me acrually want to vomit was when I tipped a pan of boiling water over my hand. DH says he got scared because I didn’t swear (or say anything).

ghosty artisanal chocolates are hand made posh ones. You can't come to my island now for mocking me.

Fekko i vomited throughout labour but really only because i ate an enormous roast dinner then apple pie and custard.