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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re school exclusion

516 replies

mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:31

I posted a while back about my DS being inappropriate at school, he asked a teacher to add him on snapchat and was isolated for it. The reactions on here were split between whether this was an overreaction by the school or acceptable. I accepted it and sanctioned him at home and fully supported the school after reading all of your helpful responses. Lots of teachers responded.

Unfortunately today there has been a follow up and I have been told my son needs to be excluded tomorrow and stay at home. I totally agree he is being absolutely unacceptable , he apparently lifted his top up and asked the teacher whether she liked his abs. I know it's fucking insane, don't get me started.

They have said because this is his second "Sexually inappropriate offense" (question whether the snapchat thing was sexually inappropriate!!) , he needs an external exclusion which will go on his record. Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox! Also some of his peers have had several fights, bullying, etc and not been excluded. Exclusions are really rare. I am absolutely devastated. Is there anything I can do about this? It says on the paperwork I can challenge the exclusion?

OP posts:
Soconfusedbylife · 09/01/2019 23:14

I’m feeling extremely deflated after your latest post with your joking. It just highlights why he thinks it’s ok.

I agree with so many of the comments but think you really need to address what is causing this behaviour. If a girl did this there would be uproar as to why she would think this was appropriate and she would immediately be marked as vulnerable. You seem to think it’s just him putting on a front to someone he fancied.

Imagine you were in the workplace with a professional relationship with a male colleague and he had already made you feel uncomfortable, which you addressed, then he did something like what your son did.

Please try to see what this situation actually is. You need to understand that to help him or yes you will have problems in the future with him, he currently does not respect women and your attitude is reinforcing that.

Nunya · 09/01/2019 23:18

sidenote, actually text DH to tell him to get his arse back to england because our son is becoming a sexual predator, and he replied "get the fuck off mumsnet" - thats meant to be tongue in cheek btw)

^ THAT is why some people think you seem to be minimizing and dismissing this. It is not in the least bit funny.

MitziK · 09/01/2019 23:20

I'll just add that I've been cornered in a small room by a 15 year old who was over 6 foot 2 and 15 stone of pure muscle whilst his friends blocked the line of sight into the building and switched all the corridor lights off (I fucking hate them doing that, but it's intended to both disorient and to prevent them being identifiable on CCTV).

It was at 4.54pm, shortly after detentions were dismissed and the only reason it was stopped was that a male member of staff popped into the block to use the disabled loo whilst he was on his way to the carpark, realising he could hear shouting/kids in there after hours with the lights off.

You know what I was glad of (apart from the sheer fluke of the staff member walking in, as I was generally working alone for at least an hour and a half every night)? That the kid concerned was only screaming in my face about what an ugly bitch I was and how I couldn't tell him what to do.

He was permanently excluded just before his GCSEs.

Nunya · 09/01/2019 23:21

Thank you and well said MitziK

Nunya · 09/01/2019 23:23

That sounds terrifying actually

MitziK · 09/01/2019 23:30

Yep. I refused to go back to work for a while afterwards and they changed the policies on after hours provision (basically, it's now entirely optional for anybody who would be on their own). They also asked me to help with a consultation on the effectiveness and positioning/lighting for security. He was found with a knife in his possession shortly afterwards, which was what led to his permanent exclusion.

Just as well he only wanted to scare me if he was in the habit of carrying such things around.

aconcertpianist · 09/01/2019 23:32

Can we please remember that, while not condoning or minimising his behaviour, this boy is a child and probably-at this moment-a frightened one at that.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 23:34

What makes you think he’s frightened? He’s already been excluded for inappropriate behaviour to a female member of staff and it clearly taught him bugger all.
I imagine he justifies it all as “banter”. Angry

LovingLola · 09/01/2019 23:36

A frightened child ????
Pull the other one

aconcertpianist · 09/01/2019 23:39

I think he might be frightened because he is a child who is in trouble, in his bedroom alone, while his mother calls his father announcing that he is a sexual pest. She won't even look at him, let alone assure him that he is loved.

Of course, he's frightened.

LovingLola · 09/01/2019 23:41

Good
I’d be delighted if he’s frightened
Might make him realise how that teacher may feel

Greensleeves · 09/01/2019 23:41

Oh, come on. In his bedroom, with his phone, having a good laugh with his friends about what a legend he is, while his mother is downstairs having a good old chortle with Dad about how Mumsnet is even more barking than the school.

pasanda · 09/01/2019 23:42

But mitzik, that was your experience and whilst it sounds horrific, isn't remotely the same as what the op's ds has done Confused

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 23:42

A mother who is abdicating all parental responsibility and joking about the situation online?
I very much doubt he is frightened. More laughing about how he gets more time off and bugger all consequence at hones.

Lovingbenidorm · 09/01/2019 23:42

I doubt he is sitting in his bedroom trembling because he’s in trouble.
This is his second ‘offence’ and I agree with pp that it’s being treated as just ‘banter’
It’s very worrying, not least because of the way op is taking it.

GreenTulips · 09/01/2019 23:43

Why is he frightened?

He’s got a father who’s laughing at the situation
A mother who can’t work out a decent punishment or take time off work and parent this boy
And his phone Xbox taken off him as an after thought

Woman have fought for years to be free of sexual harassment at work (thank god) and this boy is doing exactly that. Why should a teacher have to put up with this is the work place?

A teacher would know the difference between a bit of harmless play and a child playing the ‘joking’ card twice!

He needs to be excluded from her class to an exclusion zone rather than another poor teacher having to deal withhim

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/01/2019 23:46

titchy in your list of what may be on the phone, you missed a couple of things:

Suggestions the teacher's frigid / on her period / not getting enough / whatever for not appreciating his abs
Ideas shared with his mates for how to "get her back" for the exclusion

And OP can't see how she was minimising what happened, or how it could have been considered threatening to the teacher Hmm

TeddybearBaby · 09/01/2019 23:47

I actually laughed at your husbands comment....... and agree with him. I haven’t got any sense of you minimising this. Asking for suggestions and help and looking back / seeing where you went wrong but because you’re not labelling your son a sexual deviant you’re being seen as not taking this seriously 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think you’re trying to stay calm and think of a strategy.

The gym is usually a really positive thing for kids, especially angry ones so I can see why you wouldn’t want to cancel that.

Speak to your son and ask him to put himself in his teachers shoes, try to get him to understand why this is being taken so seriously. It sounds like he already knows how disappointed you are. Hopefully a male perspective from your husband will help too and give you some support. Another idea would be to get him to picture the teacher as you or a sister if he has one. Good luck x

MitziK · 09/01/2019 23:48

I'm saying that my experience was scary and unpleasant - but at least it was just simple aggression - had it been of a sexual nature, I'd never have gone back. And if there had been any sexual element to it, I wouldn't have hesitated to make a complaint to the police and press charges if they were prepared to do so.

Don't suppose the OP fancies the police knocking at her door because her son has gone back to school and upped the game with some indecent exposure or actual touching of the woman - but it's all just a laugh at the moment.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/01/2019 23:49

In his bedroom, with his phone, having a good laugh with his friends about what a legend he is, while his mother is downstairs having a good old chortle with Dad about how Mumsnet is even more barking than the school

I assumed OP would have taken his phone off him by now ... or was that naive of me?

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 23:50

Incredibly naive.

GreenTulips · 09/01/2019 23:52

I haven’t got any sense of you minimising this

From the OP

Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox!

Think that is minimising the crime because OP doesn’t agree to an exclusion - wonder what OP expected the school to do instead? Cream tea?

nocoolnamesleft · 09/01/2019 23:57

Another item that will more likely than not be on his phone: upskirting shots.

Nunya · 09/01/2019 23:58

Thank you GreenTulips! I was just about to post that part of the original post and how originally she was asking about being able to challenge the exclusion

jacks11 · 10/01/2019 00:00

Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox!
You later say you want to take him up to school and "sort something else out".

This is the kind of thing that irritates me. It is not all down to the school to provide discipline and boundaries in your home as welll as at school- too many parents look to the school to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to discipline. It only works well if parents play their part too. Otherwise anything the school do is going to be largely ineffective.

You are right in saying that allowing your DS to sit at home and play xbox would be utterly pointless as a punishment. So what are YOU- his parent- going to do to ensure that he does not spend all day on the x-box but instead spends his day doing something productive or meaningful? Not the school, YOU.

It's not up to the school to "sort something else"- he has received a (justified and appropriate in my view) punishment from school for sexually inappropriate behaviour. It is now for his parents to make sure he understands why what he has done is unacceptable (assuming he doesn't already, which I'd have my doubts about), and experiences the consequences of such behaviour. And also to make sure his day is not a pleasant little skive.

The fact that your reaction was "he'll just play on the xbox" and didn't even consider how you might go about making sure he actually was punished and spent his time wisely suggests that you aren't particularly pro-active when it comes to effective discipline.