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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re school exclusion

516 replies

mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:31

I posted a while back about my DS being inappropriate at school, he asked a teacher to add him on snapchat and was isolated for it. The reactions on here were split between whether this was an overreaction by the school or acceptable. I accepted it and sanctioned him at home and fully supported the school after reading all of your helpful responses. Lots of teachers responded.

Unfortunately today there has been a follow up and I have been told my son needs to be excluded tomorrow and stay at home. I totally agree he is being absolutely unacceptable , he apparently lifted his top up and asked the teacher whether she liked his abs. I know it's fucking insane, don't get me started.

They have said because this is his second "Sexually inappropriate offense" (question whether the snapchat thing was sexually inappropriate!!) , he needs an external exclusion which will go on his record. Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox! Also some of his peers have had several fights, bullying, etc and not been excluded. Exclusions are really rare. I am absolutely devastated. Is there anything I can do about this? It says on the paperwork I can challenge the exclusion?

OP posts:
Madders45 · 09/01/2019 20:58

CANCEL HIS GYM MEMBERSHIP.

If he can’t act appropriately with ‘his abs’ then he shouldn’t be allowed to continue working out at the gym.

Only reinstate it once he’s proved to you that he’s mature enough.

ShawshanksRedemption · 09/01/2019 20:58

The thing is @mummy20, even if he sticks with the fun/banter excuse, he is targeting the same female teacher and it's a bullying behaviour designed to make her feel uncomfortable in front of the rest of the class. It shows disrespect.

He needs to learn boundaries before he gets himself into worse trouble as he gets older. A one day exclusion will hopefully make him understand just how inappropriate his behaviour is and get him to stop.

joanmcc · 09/01/2019 20:59

"What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox!"

The idea is probably to make the parent sit up and take notice. But when your reaction is to criticise the school and you need told not to reward with xbox, I think they're on a hiding to nothing.

You are why I don't envy teachers.

Madders45 · 09/01/2019 21:00

You have to take away the things he cares about - if that’s the gym then it has to go.

Whatabloodymessthisis · 09/01/2019 21:00

Oh dear

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 21:00

The last thread you complained the school was overreacting and he hadn’t done anything that bad.
And you can’t see the link between him continuing to act like a prize cockwomble? Confused

Chunkyetfunky · 09/01/2019 21:01

You are minimising his actions tho......🙄

Mayra1367 · 09/01/2019 21:02

At age 15 he knows what is appropriate at school. I would make sure he spends the day studying at home.

Original poster
mummy207 · 09/01/2019 21:02

I don't get how I am minimising it, i have said I am too furious to look at him and I am thinking about asking to have him moved out of her class?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2019 21:02

OP this sort of behaviour could escalate in a really ugly way

MissMarplesKnitting · 09/01/2019 21:02

Agree.

Gym has to go.

He can go for a run and do damn sit ups.

He runs the risk of turning into a misogynistic, leery and sexually aggressive young man.

Get a grip on this NOW. Once he does something like this to his colleague, boss or a woman elsewhere you'll be dealing with the police.

Original poster
mummy207 · 09/01/2019 21:03

I will personally apologise to the teacher as well. I am really disgusted at him.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 09/01/2019 21:03

You could get him to write a 2000 word essay on sexual harassment in the workplace or something.
Covering the law and the effects on victims. Maybe include the #metoo movement.
When he's done his research and essay, then obviously also a letter of apology to the teacher, handwritten, best handwriting.
Tell him he'll only get the phone & xbox back when completed to your satisfaction.

ShawshanksRedemption · 09/01/2019 21:03

If you aren't minimising, then you need to back the school to emphasise just how serious you take his behaviour.

alansleftfoot · 09/01/2019 21:03

Did it not occur to you to take his x box off him ?

Sirzy · 09/01/2019 21:03

He needs to learn how to behave around women not just moved away from them (unless she requests it because she feels uncomfortable)

Moving him doesn’t teach him anything

MissMarplesKnitting · 09/01/2019 21:03

Moving him out of her class is avoiding the issue.

It's lazy on your behalf.

The fault doesn't lie with the teacher or the class but with YOUR son.

Greensleeves · 09/01/2019 21:04

But you're still minimising the first incident, and you still think the school is overreacting and he shouldn't have been punished as severely as he would have been for a "serious" offence like racism or violence.

You're dead wrong. This is very serious, and the school is in the right.

Travisandthemonkey · 09/01/2019 21:04

He will be unwanted sending dick pics in a year or so.
Sadly he will just be one of those types of guys, no respect for boundaries, what’s appropriate or what a woman clearly wants or doesn’t want. And we all wonder where these men were when they were children

Friends: here he is

Nice.

cowfacemonkey · 09/01/2019 21:05

If you are furious and not minimising then why can’t you get your head around an exclusion being an appropriate action.

Frostyapples · 09/01/2019 21:05

Can I ask you if this behaviour has started since he started going to the gym? Has he lost a lot of weight? A behaviour change outside of what is usual for your son could be a way of him indicating that he is struggling in some way and needs support - body image / eating issues are not just for girls. When you both feel calm try and talk to him about what's happened, why it happened and how everyone feels about it. Make him see that his actions have consequences and that you will be following though at home and confiscating his Xbox for a while. Does you school have pastoral support who could help you and take him under their wing at school?

WofflingOn · 09/01/2019 21:06

Y11? So that’s 5 more months in school and then what? College?
The way forward is for you to stop your son using sexual harassment as a crowd pleaser, and to feed his ego. What does his father think?

TheZeppo · 09/01/2019 21:06

You’re minimising by saying he’s just being a twat and he may fancy her.

It’s actuallly designed to intimidate, in much the way most sexual harrassment is. He is undermining her and showing a total lack of respect. Im glad you’re disgusted at him, but you really need to be clear why. It’s not just that he’s been excluded; it’s the REASON he’s been excluded.

He’s 15 and in Year 11- he’s VERY aware it’s wrong.

If a man treated you like this as work, would you tolerate it?

MissMarplesKnitting · 09/01/2019 21:06

TBH if I was his teacher I'd have my Union in and be refusing to teach him.

Equally if I was the parent if any girl in his classes I'd be asking questions.

bluesaturday · 09/01/2019 21:06

I don't think you or your son realise how serious this especially if this is, what happens if it he does something a third or fourth time? Will you pat him on the back and send him to the gym?