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AIBU?

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Original poster

re school exclusion

516 replies

mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:31

I posted a while back about my DS being inappropriate at school, he asked a teacher to add him on snapchat and was isolated for it. The reactions on here were split between whether this was an overreaction by the school or acceptable. I accepted it and sanctioned him at home and fully supported the school after reading all of your helpful responses. Lots of teachers responded.

Unfortunately today there has been a follow up and I have been told my son needs to be excluded tomorrow and stay at home. I totally agree he is being absolutely unacceptable , he apparently lifted his top up and asked the teacher whether she liked his abs. I know it's fucking insane, don't get me started.

They have said because this is his second "Sexually inappropriate offense" (question whether the snapchat thing was sexually inappropriate!!) , he needs an external exclusion which will go on his record. Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox! Also some of his peers have had several fights, bullying, etc and not been excluded. Exclusions are really rare. I am absolutely devastated. Is there anything I can do about this? It says on the paperwork I can challenge the exclusion?

OP posts:
pasanda · 10/01/2019 17:58

What about the girls?

Sirzy · 10/01/2019 17:59

At the very least you need to let school know that they have pupils sending such photos

FamilyOfAliens · 10/01/2019 18:01

So, child pornography that is illegal to possess.

Missing the point but please don’t use the phrase “child pornography”. They are illegal images of children.

Quartz2208 · 10/01/2019 18:03

You can start to reinforce to him (and to your DH who seems not to take this seriously) how serious this is - and what this kind of behaviour means to women and that the photos are illegal (particularly if he has shared them)

It doesnt matter why he is doing it - intimidating her or he fancies her. She is uncomfortable with it - that is important

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 18:03

Jesus , how did he get those pics and has he sent them on? Because that's a crime if these girls are under age. It might even be a crime if they aren't.

Op, you've got a serious problem on your hands. All the cuddles isn't going to fix this, little chats and mild punishments like he can only go to th game with you.

For his sake you and your husband need to deal with this, Because likely you only know part of it, and your son could be facing ruining his future.

MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 18:05

Report my own son to the police?
Not automatically but probably not go for the 'aww let's have a cuddle after all I know you're not that bad' approach.

Sexual images of minors are illegal. They are illegal to possess and illegal to share.

From a police website:

Anyone who has or sends indecent images of someone under the age of 18 is breaking the law. Both having and distributing images of this nature isan offence under the Sexual Offences Act 2003. Encouraging someone to take or send 'sexts' can also be illegal.

As well as the legal consequences, there are other issues to 'sexting' including the emotional and reputational damage this can cause. Think before you take a picture; would you be happy for your parents, colleagues, teacher, friends, family or local police officer to see it?

It feels like you don't want to accept that your teenager has some really inappropriate attitudes towards women so the Snapchat suggestion was just banter, then it was the school is overreacting, then it's harsh to sanction him for continuing to harass a teacher, then people had to tell you that maybe removing x box and phone would be a reasonable sanction, then it was how its not that bad because he jist fancies the teacher. Now it's oh but I didn't really find much on his phone. It feels like I'm invading his privacy. Well actually there were some photos of him, just his and though so that's ok... and actually there were a couple of nudes of girls saved but it was only a couple and I deleted them...
...And anyway we had a chat, he says he didn't realise and we've had a cuddle so it's all ok.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 18:06

This is actually quite disturbing, did you even ask him who those girls were, how he got the pics, had he sent them on? Explain to him about respecting women? About the potential criminally of his behaviour?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 10/01/2019 18:06

There were a couple of saved nudes of girls though
The pictures of girls yes I assume were his classmates

Fuxk me. He has nude photos of underage girls on his phone and you just deleted them had a fluffy chat and think that’s ok, that’s dealt with?

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 18:09

If one of those girls parents finds out op your son had these pics then the exclusion would be the least of your worries, as it's a criminal offence then they could attempt to press charges. Especially if he has distributed them.

It's the fact it doesn't seem like it's a big deal to you that's really so utterly disturbing,

MissMarplesKnitting · 10/01/2019 18:10

Just FYI, the person I know in prison and will be on SOR?

Pics on phone and computer. Teenage girls.

You absolutely need to tell the school what you've found. They need to know and potentially inform other parents that their sons and daughters may be involved in this.

Ted27 · 10/01/2019 18:11

My son is 14, year 10. I spent a large part of Boxing Day explaining to him precisely why I would not allow him to have Grand Theft Auto, because of the attitudes to women and prostitution and strip clubs. I don't care if all his friends have it, he isnt getting it.
On Sunday, I said something he did not agree with, He put his hand over my mouth to stop me speaking and hit me. He then asked me ' how do I shut women up when I don't like what they say'.

I am absolutely horrified that I appear to have a teenage misogynist on my hands. He is autistic and does have a mild learning difficulty so does not always understand appropriate behaviours. Nonetheless he has been left in no doubt that this behaviour is unacceptable. I still have a lot of work to do with him.
We live in a very complicated world. Children and young people are exposed to so much sexualised media. The behaviours they are displaying at 13, 14, 15 are showing you what they could become as adults if we don't step in.

I don't think schoolboy/girl crushes on teachers are anything new. I remember everyone in my 6th form was madly in love with Mr Jones the Physics teacher. But it was all very innocent and we would have run a mile if Mr Jones had reciprocated. So its really irrelevant if you think he 'just fancies' her, its not an excuse or a reason for his behaviour. The teacher is in a position of authority, yet vulnerable and he is challenging her.

Have a think about the man you would like your teenage son to be. The attitudes and behaviours towards women, his future wife, that you would like him to have. Is this behaviour taking him in that direction? Would this behaviour be acceptable when he is 17, 18, 19. If the answer is no, then you need to step in now.
Its not easy, but you need to find a way to address it.

Greensleeves · 10/01/2019 18:11

Deleted images are retrievable, by the way. If one of those girls tells her parents, or another "silly boy" opens his gob to the wrong person, your son could be in deep shit.

And it's not surprising you didn't find dick pics. Those are almost certainly sent using Snapchat.

flowerpott · 10/01/2019 18:14

Well done for addressing it with him OP. Hopefully it will be enough to him to reign in his behaviour. Report your conversation back to school, so that you can work with them on making sure it's all been curtailed.

I would speak with him separately about the nudes and keep an eye on his phone in the future as well. The privacy issue is a difficult one, but my attitude is that until he's really able to accept full legal responsibility, you have a duty as a parent to protect him from making these kinds of mistakes. Unfortunately it is really commonplace for underage teens, but that doesn't make it OK. It is illegal to for him to have/solicit those photos, or especially to share them. Even at his age, there can be really serious consequences for things like this. In my school he'd be permanently excluded for it, no question.

donquixotedelamancha · 10/01/2019 18:14

The pictures of girls yes I assume were his classmates

I wonder whether you understand how serious those are OP? If he distributes them and is caught then at the very least he will be on as sexual offences register- that's assuming they decide not to prosecute which is likely but not certain.

What do you think the parents of those girls would want you to do.

This.

how did he get those pics and has he sent them on?

And this.

What else can i do?

I can't understand why you wouldn't establish where they come from, then speak to the school. At the very least there are vulnerable children who are having naked images they took sent around to their peers. At worst they were coerced and much worse may be happening to them. The school needs to be able to protect these girls.

QuizzlyBear · 10/01/2019 18:16

Your responses just keep getting more disturbing, OP. Just FYI, I have boys of a similar age and it is NOT normal behaviour to solicit nude photos of 14/15 year old girls.

It happens, sure, but it really should be considered a red flag because they cover this stuff extensively in PSHE these days so he can't claim innocence of the law or of appropriate boundaries.

Your response seems to be to sweep these things under the carpet - you deleted the nude photos he'd saved of CHILDREN but didn't ask him about it or inform him that distribution of these is a hefty criminal offence?! Instead you had a cuddle, which apparently convinced you that he's still your sweet little boy... Hmm

Sirzy · 10/01/2019 18:16

Out of interest are any of your other children girls? How would you feel if a classmate had nude photos of them?

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 18:18

He said everyone sends shit like that

Which indicates he is distributing these images, your son is a hop skip and jump from the sex offenders register.

And telling him his teacher might be intimidated by him I suspect is about to make your problem way worse. Because he will think he's in the power position, and he's not, he's a stupid little boy whose likely to get expelled as his next step and will be lucky if he avoids the SOR and fucking his life up,

But hey he had a cuddle and can't go to the gym without you.

Ted27 · 10/01/2019 18:18

I missed your update about the nude pictures probably being classmates.
As others have said, this is serious stuff. Its even more serious if it is widespread in the school.
At the very least you need to go into school tomorrow and tell then what you have found. And your son, and every other child in the school involved will need to take the consequences.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 10/01/2019 18:19

I’d be more worried about him receiving and distributing images of the naked children right now....

MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 18:22

At the very least there are vulnerable children who are having naked images they took sent around to their peers. At worst they were coerced and much worse may be happening to them. The school needs to be able to protect these girls
I agree.
A few years ago I supported a girl who was involved in this sort of situation. She thought it was nice her boyfriend found her so sexy, less so when they split up and a number of them had been shown to others (possibly shared). I felt for her. Yes she is responsible for sending them and in the light of day realised how , but the knobbish attitude of the boys showing them and commenting was bloody disgusting and demonstrated how some year 11 boys can be exceptionally misogynistic.
Thankfully the vast majority of the boys in that year were very vocal about how creepy, weird, desperate & predatory they felt the group of sharers were.

The school needs to be informed so they can alter their PSHE programme as required. It's common to move topics around if there is a need to.

myrtleWilson · 10/01/2019 18:24

I posted and then read about the nudes being classmates. I echo what everyone else has said. A much more serious approach is needed now - a one day exclusion is the least of your worries.

LakieLady · 10/01/2019 18:24

Please don't suggest that him fancying her makes it less bad. He still took it upon himself to actively pursue a woman who he knew wouldn't be interested him, it would be against the law for her to be involved with him, and she had already flagged up that his first advance was unwanted. From that, his response to being rejected once was to step it up and continue to behave in a suggestive and harassing way knowing rumours could ruin her career and more importantly she wasn't interested. Despite knowing she categorically was NOT interested, he continued to show off and pursue her.

Beautifully put.

This is what your DS really needs to get, OP - that when a woman, of any age or in any circumstances, is not interested, persisting in any sort of advances, flirting, "banter" etc is absolutely not acceptable. That's the point it becomes harassment.

While you're at it, best to have a chat with him about consent, too.

RolyRocks · 10/01/2019 18:25

Geez!!! I initially thought you meant he had saved Internet nudes but he’s got nude photos of school girls he knows on his phone and you just delete them and give him a cuddle?! Fucking hell!!! Those poor poor girls.
You couldn’t make this up.

SillySallySingsSongs · 10/01/2019 18:28

The pictures of girls yes I assume were his classmates, and deleted them. What else can i do? Report my own son to the police?

Your DC has nude pics of ubderage girls on his phone and you arr giving him cuddles.

What planet are you on where this is in any way ok. He has broken the law. Do you seriously not get hiw serious this is?