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Original poster

re school exclusion

516 replies

mummy207 · 09/01/2019 20:31

I posted a while back about my DS being inappropriate at school, he asked a teacher to add him on snapchat and was isolated for it. The reactions on here were split between whether this was an overreaction by the school or acceptable. I accepted it and sanctioned him at home and fully supported the school after reading all of your helpful responses. Lots of teachers responded.

Unfortunately today there has been a follow up and I have been told my son needs to be excluded tomorrow and stay at home. I totally agree he is being absolutely unacceptable , he apparently lifted his top up and asked the teacher whether she liked his abs. I know it's fucking insane, don't get me started.

They have said because this is his second "Sexually inappropriate offense" (question whether the snapchat thing was sexually inappropriate!!) , he needs an external exclusion which will go on his record. Although I agree he is in the wrong, this again to me seems really ridiculous. What is making him sit at home all day going to achieve? He will be on xbox! Also some of his peers have had several fights, bullying, etc and not been excluded. Exclusions are really rare. I am absolutely devastated. Is there anything I can do about this? It says on the paperwork I can challenge the exclusion?

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 10/01/2019 15:05

I totally agree he needs to learn this stuff, and sharpish. Just don't know if he should be hung out to dry before he has.

He hasn't been hung out to dry. Not yet. What's happening at school now is just the lesson he needs to learn - that this behaviour is not acceptable and that there are consequences for him. And his family need to reinforce that lesson and help him understand it, and remove whatever obstacles there might be to him learning it, before it is too late and he really does get hung out to dry.

ChesterGreySideboard · 10/01/2019 15:34

Does your DH think that rapists go from zero to rape?
There is every chance your DS will grow up to be a perfectly lovely lad but I can guarantee that the men who do rape start out with inappropriate sexual advances and minor assault.

LakieLady · 10/01/2019 15:49

It's threatening and intimidation done in such a way that he can say he didn't mean that, it was just a joke, I didn't know it came across like that

Which is why OP and her DH need to make it very plain what is and is not acceptable, and what can easily be misconstrued. Then their DS will know, and he won't be able to use that excuse in future, and they will know that any similar incidents like this will be deliberate.

MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 16:27

I love how some people are still saying 'awww bless him. He's just being a lad. Lads have banter and are sometimes a bit silly. I'm sure he didn't realise. You're all so mean to an innocent year 11 boy'

Maybe these are the same people who think women should put up with cat calling because it's a compliment.
And the same people who think it's cute when a woman turns down a man's advances and he keeps chasing her because 'it proves how much he likes you'

Maybe they also think it's nice when a man jokes asks repeatedly for nude pics because its just a bit of banter and after all he must find you attractive.

If there are adults who dismiss and minimise this behaviour then it worries me want message some of our female students are getting at home. (E g. Tolerate boys making unwanted advances and when you clearly reject them and they step it up then you should probably stop being so sensitive about it)

ichifanny · 10/01/2019 16:27

I’d go mental at my son if I heard he was talking to his female teacher or in fact any woman like that OP and so would his dad .

Original poster
mummy207 · 10/01/2019 17:27

Thought you would all appreciate an update,

DS stayed at home today, I couldn't get it off but did come home early. I took the Xbox and his iphone to work with me. I have looked at the phone last night, although it does feel slightly invasive. Do most parents of year 11s look through all their children's phones and social media daily? Couldn't figure out how to work snapchat particularly well and couldn't find much on there. There were a couple of saved nudes of girls though, urgh. I saw no pictures of him nude but who knows! There were some of his body, as you can imagine. I also read through some chats of dms on instagram and whatsapp but nothing particularly scary, some of it just a bit cringy.

Anyway I got him to revise at home all day and he has also written an apology to the teacher. I came home and had a really long chat with him this afternoon.. It's tricky as he does say it is all a joke that has got out of hand, however I have explained just how serious it is. He said he didn't; really think or realise she might be intimidated by him, as they have always got along and had a good relationship. He likes her subject. I know some of you slate me but I really do think he more likely fancies her and is showing off rather than deliberately trying to threaten her. I asked him today if he fancied her, and while he didn't admit it he was pretty embarrassed by it and was like "MUM!! STOP" etc and stopped talking about it, so i think he does.

I have also told him he can only go to the gym with me for the next month. He kicked off a little about it, but I have asked him how he thinks I should sanction him, and he admitted he didn't know. I spoke to him about the nudes I found on his phone and he was horrified I had gone trhough it. He said everyone sends shit like that. I have no idea if that's true. i said he really needs to be careful how he's coming across.

He did admit he misses his Dad a lot. I need a serious conversation with DH about the living arrangements as some people have suggested. I am hoping he might be able to get more work in London so he can start being at home more. It all ended in a cuddle and made me think surely he is not a sexual predator :(

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 10/01/2019 17:31

know some of you slate me but I really do think he more likely fancies her and is showing off rather than deliberately trying to threaten her.

Irrelevant. His behaviour is threatening.

GreenTulips · 10/01/2019 17:31

Did you look at the photos and recently deleted photos?

Did you see if he sent any or forward any on?

He’s being an arse and I’d ban the phone for month rather than attending the gym with him

winsinbin · 10/01/2019 17:34

You still don’t get it do you OP? It doesn’t matter what his motivation was for doing it. It was demeaning, inappropriate and potentially frightening for her. It’s not OK to do this whether you fancy someone or not.

Take this seriously - I know someone whose son is currently (quite correctly) in prison for exposing himself to women he ‘fancied’. His family is destroyed and when he comes out he will be (again quite correctly) on the sex offenders register. He is only 8 years older than your son.

MissMarplesKnitting · 10/01/2019 17:35

TBH he sounds like he's got suckered in with a culture and can't back out.

Well done for standing your ground. Stick with it. This will be a vital life lesson for him.

Knittink · 10/01/2019 17:36

The problem is, you say 'he probably fancies her' as though that is some kind of defence for his behaviour. It isn't. Whether he fancies her or not is completely irrelevant. It's how he behaves that matters. Unwelcome and inappropriate male sexual behaviour towards a woman is not made any less unwelcome and inappropriate by the man fancying the woman.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 10/01/2019 17:36

Do most parents of year 11s look through all their children's phones and social media daily?

Not daily but in a regular basis. DS is 15 and I pay the phone bill. If he doesn’t want me looking at it then I will stop playing the bill and take MY phone back.

Greensleeves · 10/01/2019 17:36

When you say nudes of girls, do you mean photographs saved from the internet, or pictures of classmates? If it's the latter, and the girls are under 16, then those photographs are illegal.

RedHelenB · 10/01/2019 17:38

He needs to delete the nude pictures or he could be on trouble for that too. A

Lessons aren't for flirting and as y11 he should realise that. It does sound as though get been a bit cocky and doesn't know where to draw the line but he needs to learn quickly before he screws his exams up.

MaisyPops · 10/01/2019 17:43

I'm glad you're starting to take it more seriously OP.

Regarding Snapchat, you wouldn't find much as the images delete after they've been opened. It's one of the reasons that teens use it. If he has images of his body and you've found nude images of girls theb you can reasonably conclude that he is sending and receiving peer to peer sexual images.

Regarding nude images, he is wrong to suggest everyone does it (classic teen minimising everything but muuuum everyone else gets to play X game... everyonr else stays up til 2... nobody else ever has to do chores) Though it is more common than it should be. Most schools these days cover it in PSHE and make it clear that they are 'sexual images of children'. Peer to peer sexual images are still illegal.

Please don't suggest that him fancying her makes it less bad. He still took it upon himself to actively pursue a woman who he knew wouldn't be interested him, it would be against the law for her to be involved with him, and she had already flagged up that his first advance was unwanted. From that, his response to being rejected once was to step it up and continue to behave in a suggestive and harassing way knowing rumours could ruin her career and more importantly she wasn't interested. Despite knowing she categorically was NOT interested, he continued to show off and pursue her.

Many teachers have taught students they think might fancy them. We are pretty good at turning a blind eye to the odd misplaced look / tell tale signs, we are also good when needed at talking to students about professional boundaries. He has had the situation made explicit to him and continued so I wouldn't be buying his line of how he didn't realise. He knew exactly what he was doing. Year 11 boys are not naive.

ReflectentMonatomism · 10/01/2019 17:44

There were a couple of saved nudes of girls though, urgh

So, child pornography that is illegal to possess. Which you are going to do nothing about. Lovely.

Original poster
mummy207 · 10/01/2019 17:47

I deleted the nudes obviously!!

Also yes looked at camera roll that's where I found this. It was mostly boring pics of him and his mates looking ridiculous in tracksuits. But a couple of nudes, pics of his abs etc. No dick pics.

The pictures of girls yes I assume were his classmates, and deleted them. What else can i do? Report my own son to the police?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 10/01/2019 17:48

And he said everyone sends shit like that and you're not tackling it?

pasanda · 10/01/2019 17:49

Re 'everyone does it '

Dd14 regularly shows me dick pics and videos of said dicks ejaculating. She is sent them ALL the time.

Mostly from boys in her year. Some I know and have asked if they are doing it, and yes they have.

It IS very common for this sort of shit to go on.

Op. Good luck

bridgetreilly · 10/01/2019 17:49

It all ended in a cuddle and made me think surely he is not a sexual predator

He probably isn't.

YET.

And that's the point. But if he's doing this now aged 15/16, what will he be doing in a couple of years? In ten years? How do you actually want him to relate to women - like this or, you know, treating them appropriately as people not sex objects?

You need to stop writing things off as 'banter' or 'jokes' and start taking this seriously. Because if you don't, he certainly won't.

ilovesooty · 10/01/2019 17:50

So you've deleted those photos and that's the end of the matter?

bridgetreilly · 10/01/2019 17:53

What else can i do? Report my own son to the police?

Why not? What do you think the parents of those girls would want you to do.

At the very least, I'd be making it clear to him that next time you will be reporting him to the police. That should make him realise that this is serious.

myrtleWilson · 10/01/2019 17:54

Can you get him to read the victim impact statement the girl who was raped by Brock Turner (student in America who had a shorter sentence given to him as he was a promising swimmer). It is incredibly moving, powerful, raw. Am not saying that your son will be another Brock but it does seem that he doesn't really have comprehension of the impact of actions. It may be a shock he needs.
www.buzzfeednews.com/article/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra

ReflectentMonatomism · 10/01/2019 17:55

Report my own son to the police?

Give him a cuddle and say "well done son" while your husband makes jokes in the background?

Do you have a daughter? Do you think that you would be so relaxed if someone told you her nude photographs were being passed around and the mother of the child passing them around just gave him a cuddle and told him it was OK?

titchy · 10/01/2019 17:56

What else can i do? Report my own son to the police?

Yes. He has images of naked under age girls on his phone. That's highly illegal. They won't prosecute, but a massive bollocking might make him realise how serious it is. If he's forwarded any (he probably has) then he's distributing child porn. Possible custodial sentence that. Again police wouldn't prosecute, but imagine it was nudes of his 14 year old sister, or you that the next school were passing round.