To want to stay with new partner if he only likes kissing ..

[unionof3]

Would I be batshit? He only likes kissing. No sexual contact as such . More sensual that sexual. I am young, single with no history . The problem is that I’m crazy for him ? Does it get better or is this weird ?

I spent a good amount of time on Sven last night and I am trying to understand the basics of a sexuality. This is new to me. It is a sexualittthat I didn’t know existed until I posted this thread.it is helpful but there is such a big amount of terminology , I am somewhat overwhelmed but thank you.he has been confused about his sexuality his whole life As he was not like his friends he said.i don’t think it was unreasonable for me to suggest outruling medical ossues when he did not know himself why he didn’t feel sexually towards people ? He wanted to be sexually active as his friends were and he did not want to be different and was frustrated . His anxiety stems from his own worries , not from me a couple of months ago wondering if there was anything he could investigate as to the reason for his lack of interest in sex , if there was one . He is telling me now that this is the way it is and I have accepted that. I need to figure out if I can live a sexless life with him. That is why I posted . You say it has nothing to do with me . Tbh it has not felt like that . It is a terrible feeling not be desired in that way and for any intimacy to stop when you feel like you are only starting to enjoy that’s intimacy

The more information you post, the more wrong the entire thing sounds. I think you are imagining him to be perfect for you and completely ignoring obvious incompatibilities and issues. That's not a basis for a healthy and fulfilling long-term relationship for either of you.

It sounds very much like he is asexual (in any case, he doesn't want to have sex with you and that's all that matters) and also like he may have some ways of being and attitudes (which may be to do with mental health or possibly neurodiversity, but equally may just be his personality) that make him really quite incompatible with you. These may not be things that are 'fixable', or things that he even wants to see as requiring 'fixing' (and that's OK for him but would make him incompatible with you). Any why on earth do you want someone who needs any 'fixing' in order to be right for you?

He isn't going to suddenly start wanting to have lots of sex or not wanting to carefully control his life and living environment. No matter how much you might hope he will. In fact, he's much more likely to become less interested in anything sexual and more rigid about things as he gets older. And neither of you will be happy with that.

You need to find someone who is right for you exactly as they are when you meet them. There is literally no point in finding someone who you think would be perfect if only you could change X or Y. That doesn't work when X or Y are minor things; it certainly won't work when they are his sex drive/sexual preferences and his preferred way of living.

I don’t thik he is a narcissist or asd. He is lovely . He is unusually close to his family’s d owns his own home.he spends most weekends with his parents though in their home .

You can be completely lovely with ASD, and have good relationships with your family. Many people are. (Not that I'm planning to internet diagnose a man I haven't met).

His personality may well just be such that he wants (and needs) to be very much in control of his life and living arrangements. You said: his whole life is controlled to a rigid set of rituals.eating, sleeping, cooking, screen time etc. It is all timed and rigid.everything needs to be plannned and nearly always by him.

Do you want to have to abide by these rules and rituals? For the rest of your life? These are basic and fundamental aspects of life. Do you really think you can live with someone who needs to control really basic stuff like what, when and how you eat or sleep? Or when you can watch tv?

You can't proceed on the basis that he'll change and it'll be OK. He will change - we all do - but almost certainly not in ways you want him to. You should assume that he's only going to get more rigid about this sort of thing, not that he'll suddenly become really relaxed about everything.

Find someone who you don't feel any need to 'fix', and let him find someone who doesn't want to 'fix' him.

You can ask me any questions you would like (although I cannot speak for all asexual people in the same way that you cannot speak for all heterosexual people).

He wanted to be sexually active as his friends were and he did not want to be different and was frustrated

It may be that he hasn't come to terms with it yet, or that he wants to fit in, or that he has never heard of asexuality. I didn't find out about asexuality until my mid 20s and I was confused before then. As soon as I discovered what it was then I was so relieved.

You say it has nothing to do with me . Tbh it has not felt like that .

He's not attracted to anybody, that's just the way he's built.

He's not going to change, it would be like trying to make a gay guy enjoy heterosexual sex or vice versa. I'm not getting at you but he's not a deviant or secretly gay, he's just not a fan of sex. Neither of you are wrong. Sex is important to you and that is perfectly fine. No sex is important to him and that is fine too.

You are going to have to decide if sex is something you can live without and tbh, it doesn't sound like you can. YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR WANTING SEX AS PART OF A RELATIONSHIP but you are never going to find it as part of this relationship. If you're feeling this way after a few months then imagine after a few years, imagine after 50 years.

The first two sentences I typed were entirely separate and factual . I was simply answering questions asked . I did not associate narcissism or asd with being lovely or not. Those sentences were not related . Thanks for reply

Tbh, I'm not convinced you get lovely narcissists OP.

I know you've probably found reading the replies on this thread really hard. And you've been very open in engaging with some strong criticism.

You should remember that you do deserve to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. But it honestly doesn't sound like you can have that with this man, however lovely he is. But you can have it with someone else. There are lots of really lovely men out there who are going to be properly compatible with you.

I know but I just wanted to get across that he is lovely. That’s all I feel. I had a horrible sleep last night with words like rapist among others written down. I felt sick about it . I am absolutely clueless about it all yet I seem to have offended some
People . My friends opinion is that as a man he is immature and selfish . Fits me in and dictates . They think I’m desperate to be on a relationship again

Basically he's happy the way he is. He doesn't want to see a GP or counsellor to see why this is - he doesn't even want to understand why. He's happy with it and is not going to change, in the same way that his other rituals aren't going to be changed by you in his life.

You can't change him and he's not going to make you happy.

if you like sex, and he doesnt like sex, then what on earth makes you think that he can make you happy?

My friends opinion is that as a man he is immature and selfish . Fits me in and dictates . They think I’m desperate to be on a relationship again

Honestly, listen to your friends. They care about you and are very likely seeing things that you aren't with your 'love goggles' on.

The last 2 years of my marriage were sexless. It killed my self esteem and made me miserable. Think carefully before you get more serious with him.

My friends opinion is that as a man he is immature and selfish. Fits me in and dictates they may be right, and they may be wrong. But he is who he is, and it isn't hurting anyone except you if you insist on a relationship that doesn't fit you. He's be explicitly clear to you, 100%honest and you need to hear him

They think I’m desperate to be on a relationship again are they right?

I hear him. I didn’t think I was desperate but I am a bit needy i guess . I could not believe my luck at meeting him but the issue of his sexuality weighs heavy in my heart and I do not think i can live in a sexless relationship forever . This is meant to be the exciting time, the honeymoon stage yet I wait for his phone calls wondering when he will meet me . He needs a lot of solo time . I have never met a kinder man

yet I wait for his phone calls wondering when he will meet me

That's not good either. Even if he needs lots of solo time, you should have an idea of when to meet.

On a side note, for any relationship, commit to some extent to a date to meet, even if plans change slightly and the place and time is not set in stone.

I think you need to step back a little from the rose tinted glasses and assess the relationship in the cold light of the day.

Having been married (briefly) to someone who was not interested in sex. there is only one thing I can say
DONT EVEN CONSIDER IT

Maybe you haven't met a kinder man, but it doesn't mean you won't mean a kind man who also wants a sexual relationship and to spend time with you.
He also isn't giving you what you need emotionally if you're never even sure if he'll want to see you.

I think there's two choices. Back off on the sexual stuff - I think this thread has helped you see things anew. Kiss, cuddle, and nothing more. No asking, no suggesting, no cajoling. See how that feels. Maybe if he feels his boundaries are being respected more he'll open up in general more, want to see you more etc. Agree that see him and make a date, or agree two days a week when you'll see each other etc.

Or tell him you've thought a lot about what he's saying and you hear him. Unfortunately it isn't what you wantong term and its fairer on you both to end it now.

OP - I've gone through all your posts on this thread.

He doesn't want sex and you do, and you're already unhappy about that. You want children which is going to be very difficult with him, if it's possible at all. He is very controlled and rigid. Everything is planned by him. You say he is incredibly selfish. You are already feeling bad It is a terrible feeling not be desired in that way and for any intimacy to stop when you feel like you are only starting to enjoy that’s intimacy He spends most weekends at his parents home. Your friends do not like him.

I'm sure there's more which you have not written on here.

I understand that you love him but the longer you are with him, the more your self esteem will drop and the more frustrated you will become. You will end up resenting him.

There are other kind and honest men out there. There are other men who will want the type of relationship you need. You have years ahead of you to find someone more compatible.

So your bf is asexual - won't have sex - how do you propose getting pregnant? Immaculate conception? Why are you even considering marrying him?

As for all the rest? Big red flags waving at you.

Your sex drive will go up and up over the years

This is a total generalisation and not even true in the most case

Thank you all for reading through and sharing your thoughts. I met him last night and discussed the potential of the future . He sees us together long term . He says he cannot believe how lucky he is to have found me in that I get him and accept him. It made me realise that I never ask anything of him, he makes decisions, it’s all in his hands and I plod along. I was so happy to meet someone who treated me so well , I think I denied the sexual differences between us . I pursued him for the first few weeks. Now I feel it is mutual and the reality has dawned on me that this is a big issue between us . I desperately want a baby and to settle down and marry. His honesty last night showed me that he is relieved to finally find somebody who accepts him with no demands or pressure or who doesn’t question his selfishness . He has always struggled to hold onto relationships because the sex became an issue . He has me now and he is relieved . I don’t get the feeling of great love from him even though we get on great and he says he is crazy for me ..but a feeling of relief and maybe settling? Does this make sense? I’m going to take the weekend to decide whether I can proceed with him as it’s a toss between being lucky enough to find that real love that I need and crave and compromising my sexual needs . I have only experienced horrid , abusive, addiction riddled men in my past .

He says he cannot believe how lucky he is to have found me

I bet he is.

The question is what do you get, or what you can get, from this relationship.

Have you talked about children with him?

I think you are replacing one form of bad relationship with another.

He says he cannot believe how lucky he is to have found me in that I get him and accept him.

He’s telling you loud and clear that he’s not going to change. He wants you to be undemanding and accommodating forever.

And he’s relieved that sex won’t be an issue for him now. But you know it will be for you.

Settling is never a good idea.

Having been in a relationship with wildly differing sex drives, I cannot advise strongly enough against continuing your relationship with this man.

Be crazy about someone who also likes sex. This makes more sense. 🤷‍♀️