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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay with new partner if he only likes kissing ..

151 replies

unionof3 · 09/01/2019 14:30

Would I be batshit? He only likes kissing. No sexual contact as such . More sensual that sexual. I am young, single with no history . The problem is that I’m crazy for him ? Does it get better or is this weird ?

OP posts:
slashlover · 09/01/2019 20:00

Slash, He doesn’t essentially refuse sex but makes up a lot of excuses not to have it . He also dictates when and where I touch him sexually but he does love a cuddle and a massage and kissing .

He's doing it because of guilt/duty but doesn't want to. He's never going to initiate or be proactive. Is he dictating or are you trying to progress things?

I'm asexual and I've been this way my entire life. If you're frustrated now then it's only going to get worse.

Original poster
unionof3 · 09/01/2019 20:12

I’m trying to progress things but I know he does not like any sexual contact at all but he will have sex rarely but to please me when I really want it .He said to me that as he gets older he now knows that he only
Likes kissing . He will dtd but not initiate it, ever . He wants children too and says he feels very relieved that he has met me and that I get him
And accept him and love him .and he loves me too

OP posts:
Greenglassteacup · 09/01/2019 20:16

So you’re pressuring him to have sex with you when he has clearly stated that he does not want to have sex with you?

Greenglassteacup · 09/01/2019 20:16

This is fucked up

TwiceMagic · 09/01/2019 20:18

Honestly, this is a recipe for resentment on both sides. You'll resent him for not wanting to have sex (and not enjoying it if he begrudgingly agrees to it - so you won't enjoy it either) and he'll resent you for wanting to have sex and him feeling like he has to. It's no good for either of you.

gamerchick · 09/01/2019 20:20

OP, when you've given him the required number of kids he wants you do realise he won't touch you again don't you?

Ask him how he would feel longer term that you get a FWB to satisfy those needs.

Any answer will pretty much tell you what up need to know that you don't already I recon.

slashlover · 09/01/2019 20:26

I’m trying to progress things but I know he does not like any sexual contact at all but he will have sex rarely but to please me when I really want it .

Right. Imagine there was a sex act he enjoyed but you did not. Imagine him trying to "progress" you towards said act. Imagine forcing yourself to do said act to please him because he really wants it.

He said to me that as he gets older he now knows that he only
Likes kissing

Believe him when he says this, he is being honest. There is no changing him or his mind. He wont suddenly enjoy sex.

oiiiiiii · 09/01/2019 20:26

It is extremely obvious that this will not work ever and you would be stupid in the extreme to keep pressuring a person into sex when they have CLEARLY told you no.

Please don't be a rapist
No, it won't get better
No, you won't stop wanting sex
No, this won't work

HTH

ashtrayheart · 09/01/2019 20:29

Why would you want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want to have sex with you? And pressure them to do it?
There’s a word for that Confused

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/01/2019 20:29

Do you really want to have sex rarely and with someone who doesn't even want it???

Sex should be consensual and enjoyed by both parties.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2019 20:30

He doesn’t essentially refuse sex but makes up a lot of excuses not to have it
OP please stop having sex with him. He's telling you he doesn't like it and doesn't want to, he's repulsed. He's making himself do it to keep you happy.
Imagine if a female op said she hated sex, was repulsed by it etc but periodically would give in to her DP when he'd cajoled directly or indirectly her for it. She'd be told to LTB.

If it's going to work you have to accept that he's said no loudly and emphatically. He's happy to kiss and cuddle, and it sounds like there's some bits of foreplay he's OK with but beyond that there will be nothing. Is that OK with you?
He mighy gear himself up to have sex for a baby but what if it takes you two years to CONCEIVE? How would he cope with it?
Would he masterbate and you could look at IVF?

You're saying he won't make you happy by having lots of sex but his repulsion trumps your pleasure. A negative emotion trumps a positive one.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 20:31

He is early 30’s, has he had relationships before? Has he always dictated how and when he can be touched and only like kissing?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 09/01/2019 20:32

This will never work and I think you're wasting your time. Sexless relationships can work but only if both partners are happy with it. But if you want sex and want a fulfilling relationship, move on from this man.

GinIsIn · 09/01/2019 20:35

You know all those threads you see on here where the man thinks if he just keeps trying to go in for anal sex even though she’s said no, maybe one day she’ll go with it, and everyone on here says to LTB as he’s sexually violating her and ignoring her consent...? Well you’re the man in this scenario. Keeping trying to progress unwanted sexual contact is awful. He doesn’t want it. It won’t work.

Original poster
unionof3 · 09/01/2019 20:36

I am NOT Pressurising him. I am trying to understand all of this and find out what does it for him . I never heard the word asexual until today . I had hoped of it was a problem that it might be a medical fixable problem but I know it isn’t . I would never pressure anybody to have sex ! I was just trying to arouse him

OP posts:
ChodeofChodeHall · 09/01/2019 20:36

He's probably a sexual deviant

Yes, lack of interest in sex is always the first clue.

GinIsIn · 09/01/2019 20:40

So what would you call trying to arouse someone who has repeatedly told you they don’t like or want sex...? Hmm

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2019 20:40

He doesn’t essentially refuse sex but makes up a lot of excuses not to have it
So you ask, he says no, you ask, he says no, you ask, he says no, you ask he says OK if you insist. It takes you ages to arouse him and you know it's not really what he wants but if you just keep going he'll enjoy it eventually.

STOP!

You want to help him, ask if he wants to talk about it, ask if he wants help finding a therapist or going to the GP.

HELPING ISN'T KEEP ON ASKING UNTUL HE CONCEDES

MarilynSlumroe · 09/01/2019 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ashtrayheart · 09/01/2019 20:43

‘I was just trying to arouse him’...
Imagine that being used as a defence! You know he doesn’t like it, seriously stop.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2019 20:47

He will dtd but is reluctant and takes ages to arouse but seconds to orgasm

He just does not like sex or sexual activity

We can have sex but I know he really doesn't like it

He doesn’t essentially refuse sex but makes up a lot of excuses not to have it

I’m trying to progress things but I know he does not like any sexual contact at all

he will have sex rarely but to please me when I really want it. He said to me that as he gets older he now knows that he only likes kissing

See OP you say all that and STILL declare

I was just trying to arouse him

Are you really that stupid?
He keeps saying NO and you assume you know best.

slashlover · 09/01/2019 20:48

I am trying to understand all of this and find out what does it for him .

Nothing. Nothing does it for him. Nothing will do it for him. Stop trying to arouse him or find out what will.

I never heard the word asexual until today

www.asexuality.org

I was just trying to arouse him

Stop. You wont.

Greenglassteacup · 09/01/2019 20:49

Oh God, this is awful

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2019 20:50

I actually wondered if he'd been a victim of sexual assault earlier in life. I'm sure Op's insistence on curing him is helping...

Drunkandstupidagain · 09/01/2019 20:50

I think this would be a difficult relationship to be in. Is he definetly heterosexual? Maybe I am wrong but
I ask that as before I realised I was gay I had relationships with men but couldn’t bring myself to have sex.