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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay with new partner if he only likes kissing ..

151 replies

unionof3 · 09/01/2019 14:30

Would I be batshit? He only likes kissing. No sexual contact as such . More sensual that sexual. I am young, single with no history . The problem is that I’m crazy for him ? Does it get better or is this weird ?

OP posts:
slashlover · 09/01/2019 20:51

Seriously OP, I'm asexual, I'm also sex-repulsed and in my 40 years NOTHING has changed that. Nothing. You'll end up resenting him for not wanting sex and he'll resenting you for wanting sex.

Original poster
unionof3 · 09/01/2019 20:54

Ok thank you for helping me see clearly. I never thought I was violating him . It is a new relationship but physically it is brand new . It’s a huge issue . I was caught up on the lovely feelings of new love . I want childten so badly and so does he . I have to leave him. I am heartbroken . He is a wonderful man and I thought I had won the lottery when I finally met someone who liked me as much as I liked him . I can’t believe that this has happened and I feel horrible for trying to arouse him when he did not get turned on and had. I interest. I thought I might help to increse his libido . Please do not think I would ever hurt or abuse a persons boundaries. I did not know exactly what they were. He is teaching me as we get to know eachother . He is clear on his boundaries now .it feels like he does not want me , is not attracted to me . It feels horrid

OP posts:
Kardashianlove · 09/01/2019 21:04

Please do not think I would ever hurt or abuse a persons boundaries. I did not know exactly what they were

But he TOLD you what they were.

he has told me what he likes and what he can and can’t do and how we can do it. He was honest and explained that this is how he is so if I could t deal with that, we need to end it.

He told told you very clearly exactly what his boundaries were and explained that if you couldn’t deal with it you needed to end it.
You chose to stay but not respect his boundaries and push and push them and try to change him. You haven’t shown much respect towards him.

ManchesterMum63 · 10/01/2019 00:22

ShatnersWig - "give your head a wobble"GrinGrin Love that !! Missing the point

Justaboy · 10/01/2019 00:25

I suppose that you could have a serious talk with him to see if he will see a counselor or medical expert and rule out any other reason why he is the way he is and if there is any possibilty it could be put right before you leave him.

Others might disagree but you may find some confort that you tried all that was possible?.

KC225 · 10/01/2019 00:42

Some of your post sounds very familiar to one about a month or so ago. Only she had been with the guy for three years and she was considering getting engaged. He also avoided sex and agreed to seek helprefised to.consider medication or make an appointment.

If it wasn't you then the general consensus was you are not comparable in the long and this will chip away at your self esteem. Someone wise on that thread said if sex isn't an issue than it's 10% of your relationship, if it is a problem then its 90% of your relationship.

slashlover · 10/01/2019 00:48

I suppose that you could have a serious talk with him to see if he will see a counselor or medical expert and rule out any other reason why he is the way he is and if there is any possibilty it could be put right before you leave him.

Maybe he's fine with the way he is and doesn't feel as if he's not right?

EmeraldShamrock · 10/01/2019 01:05

OP this isn't about you personally. Longing to be sexually intimate with your partner is not violating in normal circumstances.
I am not say yours are abnormal. Your feelings and needs are normal.
Is he feminine. I asked as a pal who dated a guy like this, she was convinced he couldn't stay erect, intimate without penis turns out 10 year later he is now living as a she.
I think you should expect more for yourself and move on.

TerriTummyTowels · 10/01/2019 01:35

Keep on with this relationship and you'll be one of the posters on here in a few years moaning that your bloke won't have sex

Original poster
unionof3 · 10/01/2019 10:04

I am not the person who posted about the fiancé . I am only dating for the last few months. I will look for the thread . This a whole new world for me to understand. I never once thought he may be gay, a deviant or a transsexual. I thought it may be medical or me . He will not get medical tests to see if it’s hormone related even though he says he might. He will not get counselling even though he says he has anxiety about this part of himself since he was young. He says he has had no bad experiences of sex so I do not know what to think anymore. It appears that he is who he is and he has told me kindly , only yesterday evening , that I either accept him
Or I do t accept him. I do not know if I can live a sexless life for the next 40 years but I do love him very much and we could have a lovely life together .i suggested counselling for myself to try to understand myself more about my feelings. He said there’s nothing to examine as I either accept him or don’t . My biggest problem now is that while I accept he hates sex and will never cross his boundaries again,can I have a fulfilling sex life with him a partner when he seems to dictate the physical side of our relationship without discussion or compromise .

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/01/2019 10:09

You're not going to get a fulfilled life with him OP. You'll get some when it's baby time and that's it.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/01/2019 10:13

No OP.

He isn't, I don't think, dictating to control but because he has very tightly controlled limits on what he can do. I'd tell him you don't think it can work.

you can't bear the idea of him having sex just for you when he dislikes it, you want babies and p u want regular sexual contact that pleasures you how you want it.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/01/2019 10:14

You're not going to get a fulfilled life with him OP. You'll get some when it's baby time and that's it
And really not even then. Two years of forced sex three times a month when you ovulate, even if he's the one forcing himself and insisting it's fine, isn't my idea of fulfilling

Polarbearflavour · 10/01/2019 10:17

A deviant? Are you outside the UK OP or from the 1950s?

userschmoozer · 10/01/2019 10:17

At some point you will stop feeling so sorry for him and start being self protective. He is in a relationship that you can reasonably assume will include sex, and he has been dishonest with you. That is not a good start to a relationship.
Its not you, its him. Let go without fear and move on.

Mummylife2018 · 10/01/2019 10:18

@jb7445 Sounds like your partner isn't turned on by you? :(

Original poster
unionof3 · 10/01/2019 10:20

The thought of someone hating having sex with me turns my stomach. When you said about control,that has made me think as his whole life is controlled to a rigid set of rituals.eating, sleeping, cooking, screen time etc. It is all timed and rigid.everything needs to be plannned and nearly always by him. He is adorable but incredibly selfish but not in a horrid way.

OP posts:
YeOldeNameChange · 10/01/2019 10:24

I’m sorry I think this is a complete non-starter, end the relationship before you get too entrenched
I’ve been with blokes with no or little sex drive. You end up hating them, feeling vengeful and wondering if you’re unattractive.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 10/01/2019 10:26

run. There will be others that make you go weak at the knees. They don't come so often, but you will need more than just a kiss..

Mummylife2018 · 10/01/2019 10:37

Op you have just described my very recent boyfriend. Especially in your last post.

As you can probably tell, it didn't work. I became like a rampant sex pest.

He was, I think, a narcissist and almost certainly had ASD as well.

He still lived at home at 36 and relied on his mum for everything. Ring any bells?! X

Justaboy · 10/01/2019 10:47

When you said about control,that has made me think as his whole life is controlled to a rigid set of rituals.eating, sleeping, cooking, screen time etc. It is all timed and rigid.everything needs to be plannned and nearly always by him

More info then. Now that dosent sound "mendable" at all. Best call it a day now, yes it will hurt but in view of all you have written that does it:(

DoctorDread · 10/01/2019 11:03

Op, I think some of the posters' comments on here have been a bit extreme ("don't be a rapist"???). You have every right to think that sex is a normal part of a living relationship and I don't think it's unusual or wrong to try to initiate sex in the realm of normal relationships-BUT as others have said, he's clearly stated he's not interested and he not going to change, so you must of course respect that), which leaves you only one option if a fully committed sexual relationship is important to you. So along with the other issues surrounding control that you mentioned, I agree you need to end it.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/01/2019 11:15

He is adorable but incredibly selfish but not in a horrid way or he knows very much what keeps him safe. Sounds like his safe space is much smaller than most other people's. He can't and won't change.

slashlover · 10/01/2019 11:28

This thread is making me so fucking angry. As I have said before, I am an asexual 40 year old woman. I am a virgin.

You say he has anxiety? No wonder when he finds the confidence to tell you and ask him to go to a doctor or counselling. People on here have called him gay, said he might be transgender and have called him a DEVIANT. All because he doesn't want sex. I have posted the link to AVEN twice, have you even gone to the site?

OP it is nothing to do with you. If you cannot accept him the you have to leave for BOTH your sakes. You will end up hating each other.

StickyProblem · 10/01/2019 11:47

You are early 20s and he is early 30s. Your sex drive will go up and up over the years, this will get harder and harder to deal with. Sorry OP I know this is all hard to hear.