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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay with new partner if he only likes kissing ..

151 replies

unionof3 · 09/01/2019 14:30

Would I be batshit? He only likes kissing. No sexual contact as such . More sensual that sexual. I am young, single with no history . The problem is that I’m crazy for him ? Does it get better or is this weird ?

OP posts:
Greenglassteacup · 09/01/2019 18:22

I don’t see how this could work out OP, you are incompatible.

Sparklesocks · 09/01/2019 18:23

He’s made himself clear - he’s not shown willingness to explore his sexuality or find out more about why he might feel that way. That’s fine, his choice. He’s old enough to be comfortable in that.

But if you like sex and want your partner to enjoy intimacy with you then I’m afraid this relationship just won’t work. Sex isn’t THE most important thing but it is important in a relationship. You need to weigh up if you are happy on kissing alone. Yes he will have sex but sounds like he isn’t into it and not enjoying it.

You deserve to have a sex life and sex with someone who enjoys having it with you.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 09/01/2019 18:24

Sex should be mutually satisfying, not one party dictating anything.
He needs to go imo.

Sparklesocks · 09/01/2019 18:24

A vibrator only goes so far!

lostinjapan · 09/01/2019 18:35

Ok thanks. It doesn’t make sense to me . He doesn’t seem to want to please me . He dictates the relationship physically . What do I do about that

He's probably asexual. Would you really want to pressure him into sexual contact when he's 'reluctant' and 'repulsed' by it? Saying he 'dictates the relationship physically' is a weird way of putting it - as the person who doesn't want to have sex then of course he gets the final say. He's been open and honest with you from the start - you either need to accept things as they are or end the relationship.

Bumblebee39 · 09/01/2019 18:37

I think you need to be realistic about whether this is something you can live with.

I mean, I'm done having babies and get my best kicks from love honeys finest so I think I could make the kissing thing work, but definitely not to be overlooked especially if you want kids in the future. Unless he wants them too and you'd both be happy with artificial insemination? In which case, go for it: if and only if you really can live without sex.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 18:39

What do you do?

You listen to all of us saying END IT NOW.

And do it. Or you'll back back here in two years wondering if you should have an affair because you need sex which he won't give you. Or you'll have cheated. Or you'll be depressed and resent him.

slashlover · 09/01/2019 18:43

From the AVEN FAQ

I want to stay with my partner and support them but the lack of mutual sexual feelings is killing me. What can I do?

You can talk through your differences and come to understand each other’s needs and boundaries, but you can’t magically change your or your partner’s a/sexual orientation. Compromise of some kind is necessary to keep mixed relationships like this together. What that compromise may be will be very specific to individual couples. Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, a mutually satisfying compromise cannot be reached. Sometimes people stay in such a relationship and put up with mutual frustration for the sake of their love and commitment to each other or their families. Other times, a relationship must end. Do what is most healthy for you. There should be no guilt in leaving a relationship in good faith because, despite all of your efforts, your needs are too different.
There are places where a person in your position can get support. The For Sexual Partners, Friends, & Allies section of the AVEN forums is visited by many sexuals in relationships with asexuals. There are also many unaffiliated support groups for people in sexless relationships that you may find online or in person. You are not alone.

Claw001 · 09/01/2019 18:43

How long have you been in this relationship?

Polarbearflavour · 09/01/2019 18:51

He’s not your partner. He’s is someone you are dating. Confused

Isitsixoclockalready · 09/01/2019 19:00

I wouldn't commit in this situation unless you are willing to accept what might become a very frustrating issue. It's fine if a couple have the same level of sex drive but if it's mismatched to that extent then it's bound to end up a problem.

Patroclus · 09/01/2019 19:03

A lot more common in me than people think. It doesnt mean they're A-sexual. They could be on medication, depressed or constantly tired and not feel like exhausting themselves for half an hour a day

Ourownpersonaltrap · 09/01/2019 19:04

I think my sister is asexual. I didn’t know until the break down of her long term marriage, when she confided in me that she had NEVER enjoyed sex, never wanted to do. In her teen years she didn’t even fantasise about it. With anyone. Zero desire for anything and this caused massive issues in her marriage. He knew she felt that way before they married but he thought he could change her. He was wrong. She is the sweetest person on the planet but only desire is a nice kind man for kisses and cuddles. She isn’t a weirdo or a deviant. It’s just not the way she is made.

Do not think you can change him and do not continue. You will both get hurt and it’s neither of your fault Flowers

Original poster
unionof3 · 09/01/2019 19:28

We are dating for a few months only. I’m shocked by the responses . I never thought that he may not ever ever like sex . I am so crazy for him that I did not think about this issue because I had hoped it would make progress

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 09/01/2019 19:30

It's a mistake to assume it will progress - it sounds like you're assuming he's shy or something, rather than actually not being interested in sex? He has done you the courtesy of being honest. Do him the courtesy of believing what he says.

slashlover · 09/01/2019 19:31

I am so crazy for him that I did not think about this issue because I had hoped it would make progress

it wont. It's like trying to change a gay man to a heterosexual man.

Original poster
unionof3 · 09/01/2019 19:33

But I cannot make a decision yet as I do not know whether I can tolerate no sex . At the moment, being with him and enjoying him is more important than the sexual element . If he tended to my needs and came to some compromise there may be a chance of it working out .but as it stands , he has told me what he likes and what he can and can’t do and how we can do it. He was honest and explained that this is how he is so if I could t deal with that, we need to end it. I chose to stay . I thought he was just inexperienced , nervous. He has anxiety

OP posts:
TwiceMagic · 09/01/2019 19:38

I don't think it can work. At this point in a relationship you're at your most willing to overlook issues. And even then you realise this is a massive, possibly insurmountable, issue. However nice he is, it's only likely to become a bigger issue over time.

There are lots of lovely guys who like having sex and can make wonderful partners and fathers out there. Similarly, he can find someone more compatible with him.

Original poster
unionof3 · 09/01/2019 19:38

Slash, He doesn’t essentially refuse sex but makes up a lot of excuses not to have it . He also dictates when and where I touch him sexually but he does love a cuddle and a massage and kissing . He likes that a lot. I think he knows I am
Getting a little bit frustrated even though I hide it really well

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 09/01/2019 19:40

If you're already getting frustrated, you can't tolerate no sex. It'll only get worse.

DroningOn · 09/01/2019 19:41

BBC News - Identity 2016: What's it like to date someone who's asexual?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-36153289

DroningOn · 09/01/2019 19:42

BBC News - Feeling isolated as an asexual in a sexualised society
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-41569900

TwiceMagic · 09/01/2019 19:42

Of course he knows you're frustrated.

Do you want a very minimal sex life with a man who dictates where and when you can touch him? For potentially the rest of your life.

In relationships the general pattern is that you start off having ridiculous amounts of sex and this lessens (more or less - in some cases only a bit; in others radically) as the demands of life get in the way. So you can anticipate that this is the point where he is actually the most sexually active he's going to be.

It's also the point where he's going to be most likely to be trying to please you. You're almost certainly going to end up incredibly frustrated and resentful.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 19:42

You're an idiot

Greenglassteacup · 09/01/2019 19:43

And how on earth can you become pregnant by him? You say you would like children.