Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

[BonnieBright]

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

I think it kind of depends on the age of the baby. I don't think that it's a good idea if the baby is very very young and hasn't had any shots yet since you also will be looking after your aunts three children. Tbh I'm not sure if you'll be of much help if you have a baby to care for as well as three strange children (which is different than if they're your own) but that's for you to decide.

@LimpidPools exactly. There is no other side. There is no 'story'

You are 100% not being unreasonable. Just go. He either misses his baby and takes leave so he can see you and baby or decides supporting family is a waste of time. Seems like he just wants to stop you going and this missing the baby thing is an excuse because he has the option to come with you.

I think your H ought to be making the journey to see his DC rather than expecting a breast feeding mother to make the long return journey on the weekend for his benefit

@explodingkitten eh? What if he had siblings? He's had his first set of shots but not sure that's entirely relevant.

I won't even be leaving until tomorrow morning anyway and would need to pick the kids up from school. I'd only be away until Saturday morning this week anyway and mon-fri next week.

I think your H ought to be making the journey to see his DC rather than expecting a breast feeding mother to make the long return journey on the weekend for his benefit

Yes ^

Btw it is incredibly common for men to get upset when their wife steps out of their 'at home with baby' box that their husbands like to keep them in.

I accept that most think IABU so guess I need to have a think

They really don't, lots of support for you on here.

WTF is the other side of the argument. If the OP's DP posted here:

'my wife wants to go and support her mother whose 40-year-old sister with three young children is in hospital after having a heart attack. I'm at work all day and my wife would only go during the week and return home at weekends. But I don't want to be away from my baby. AIBU?"

Seriously.

His (understandable) response then was to think about himself and his baby - again this is normal

I think the normal response would be to support your wife and make it easy for her to go.

My response would be to think of OP's mum, her extremely unwell auntie and her children who need all the support they can get. I would want OP to go.

It's normal to miss your child for 5 days, it is not normal to put your feelings before a family who are going through an awful emergency.

You're not that close to your aunt. I don't get it. What am I missing? If your dh threatened to take the baby away for a week then back for two days then away for another week there'd be hell on here. Why do you think you're so essential? Does your aunt have a dh?

@nomorearsingmermaids
Some people also prefer to deal with these things alone, if I was in her mums situation then the last thing I'd want is anyone coming to stay!

Some people also prefer to deal with these things alone, if I was in her mums situation then the last thing I'd want is anyone coming to stay!

But as her mother has asked her to come I think it's safe to say she doesn't want to deal with it that way, don't you?

Actually I think you should go and I think he should be coming to stay at the weekend instead of you going home. That's what I would be doing. Sounds like there are a lot of things that they will need help with. Some people just live in their own selfish little bubble and just dont want to help others in a time of need.

Why do you think you're so essential? Does your aunt have a dh?

RTFT. For the love of god.

@Maelstrop What you are missing is that you clearly haven't read the thread!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You sound similar to me-I’m very much “family first too. Even if it weren’t for the practicalities for the children needing to be sorted, I’d want to support my mum too, it sounds like she and her sister are close.
Your partner is being a bit of a knob in not seeing the bigger picture, this is extenuating circumstances, you’re hardly swanning off to Cornwall to lie on the beach and eat ice cream!

Sorry to sound harsh but dads have got rights too and if he doesn't want to miss his child for two weeks then that's his right.

Yes, he does have rights. So to exercise those rights in this case, he has a choice. He takes time off to look after the child thus giving you the time to go and support your mum or he realises he needs to let you and his child go and do this.

And, anyway, who on earth puts a time scale on someone's health! 'I don't want you to be away for more than x number of days' sounds very 19th century to me. Most people would say 'of course you go. Let me know what I can do and when to expect you back' and that'd be that.

My mum had a heart attack six years ago. My husband was working away elsewhere in the UK at the time. He came back, picked our son up from our neighbours and had arranged to work from home by the time his plane touched down (he was working in Scotland, we live in South East England). Because he knew I'd be needed elsewhere.

Now it may be your aunt and you may not be close but her children need someone to look after them. Your mum can't do it so you're stepping up to the plate and your DH has to step up alongside you.

With luck it won't be a 2 week stint and your aunt will be in a more stable position soon. My mum was out in 2 weeks but, by then, she was well and our visits weren't daily - we shared the days between us so we did a visit every three days as an individual. Obviously you're aunt may be in for longer and when these things happen it can take a few days for everyone to find their pattern. Once you have the pattern sorted out, friends step up, neighbours step in, parents at the school may lend a hand in feeding kids or school pick up and a routine can begin which may need you to only go for a few days a week. But for now you're needed. That overrides 'parents rights' - you're not exactly leaving for good for goodness sake!

And what the hell's wrong with him travelling down at the weekends? Lending a hand. Giving you a break. Seems a bit me, me, me from him at the moment particularly when you gave up time to help his family when, actually, he should have been doing it.

I hope your aunt soon recovers and I hope your DH finally mans up a bit. Your mum is lucky to have you. Look after yourself.

@TheFrequentNameChangingLady she's asked me to come

OP you are not being unreasonable given the situation. Like many others I read the first post and thought that your mum and her sister would both be older with grown up children as you are clearly old enough to have your own child.

In that case it would have been nice for you to visit but not essential. But given the actual situation with dependent children etc. I think you're doing exactly the right thing. Your DH will miss his own child, and so he should, but he can drive down for the weekend and if he really cares that much he can take some leave and make that a long weekend.

best wishes to you all OP.

Strange some of the posts in here, there was a woman on here whose husband wanted to take their children to see his family including his not well granny and he was called everything under the sun for wanting to take his children away from the mother

@WellBHoise No I didn't, I must have missed that post.
Ok if there are young children involved who need looking after then yes I can understand you being needed.
But your husband is ok to feel how he does.
Try to find some compromise.

I really don't see the problem here, and I am quite surprised by some of the responses on here.

I don't thing you are being unreasonable at all wanting to go and support your Mum and your Aunt and it is absolutely what I would do. I think the fact that you are not very close to your Aunt is irrelevant. Would people really not bother because they are 'not that close'?

I think your DH is being very selfish to think of himself and missing his baby when someone is potentially on their deathbed!

You are being very kind and thoughtful going all that way to help out.

Meant to say you are not being unreasonable for wanting to go and help, j

Maelstrop
Rtft ffs. It’s been covered. She’s a single mum with 3 kids. Are you trying to be obtuse?

Strange some of the posts in here, there was a woman on here whose husband wanted to take their children to see his family including his not well granny and he was called everything under the sun for wanting to take his children away from the mother

Why is it strange ? - there are thousands of people on MN, all with different opinions. What would be strange would be if the exact same people had posted opposing views on the two separate threads, that hasn;t happened, probably the majority of people haven't even seen both threads unless they continuously haunt MN. Surely 'people think different things' isn't a cause for bemusement.