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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

319 replies

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 12:55

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

OP posts:
nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 13:55

Don't apologise OP, it's not your fault people don't RTFT.

WellBHoise · 09/01/2019 13:56

@TheFrequentNameChangingLady did you make that comment having read the aunt is a single mum of 3 who might not survive? There are three children who need familiar faces as well as the OPs mum who is spending time in hospital with the aunt, the OP is going to be helping in the background not in hope it’s wailing FFS

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 13:56

Good luck op.

Bluestitch · 09/01/2019 13:56

I personally wouldn't take leave for my DH in this case and he would never expect me to but it doesn't mean we love/support each other any less.

Well OP has taken leave to help her husband's family so since she says leave is an option for him maybe he should return the favour.

AgathaMisty · 09/01/2019 13:56

God, some people are so obtuse.

The OP is the primary caregiver therefore baby goes where they go and that takes precedent.

I think you're the one being obtuse.

You take issue at me asking how OP would feel in his shoes - perfectly resasonable question.

You say only the primary caregiver decides where baby goes so the other parent has no say - I disagree.

There is really no need to be so rude to people who disagree with you, nomorearsingmermaids.

Cocolepew · 09/01/2019 13:57

YANBU, I hope your aunt recovers Flowers

Quartz2208 · 09/01/2019 13:57

neither of you are being unreasonable- an awful shocking thing has happened and you both went straight to an immediate reaction.

Yours was to go straight and help you mum - selfless in one sense but also selfish in the sense (understandably) that you did not think about anyone other than yourself and your mum.

His (understandable) response then was to think about himself and his baby - again this is normal

You need to talk to him once the initial shock has died down and come up with a workable plan - say you go there Monday - Thursday so you are away 3 nights but with your mum for the most part 4 days.

Then think how long is this workable for - and how fair it is on your small baby

greedygorb · 09/01/2019 13:58

Of course you should go and support your Mum and your aunt's family. I hope your poor aunt is ok. Your DH is being a unempathetic arsehole.

WellBHoise · 09/01/2019 13:59

OP, back your bags and go this afternoon. Your DH can come on Friday with anything else you need. He can come to you not the other way around.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 09/01/2019 13:59

It sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place OP but your family need your support at the moment. In your shoes I would go. I hope your aunt recovers Flowers.

Lunde · 09/01/2019 13:59

@TheFrequentNameChangingLady - Sorry but yabu. It's not fair to take the baby away from his dad for extended periods of time. Your not close to your aunt and heart attacks aren't necessarily life and death any more. Does it look like it is for her?

OMG have you even bothered to read OP's posts?

  • the aunt is very seriously ill and may die .. at 40
  • the aunt is a single parent to 3 kids aged 2 to 12 with no dad involved
  • OP's mother is trying to deal with everything but is not coping - she needs OP to help with the kids
  • OP has previously helped out her DH's family for 3 weeks in similar circumstances which her DP did not object to
  • this is a family emergency and you are wittering on about it being unfair for OP to be away for 5 days!

Astonished that some people are so awful they object to pitching in during such an emergency

Mia1415 · 09/01/2019 13:59

His (understandable) response then was to think about himself and his baby - again this is normal

Sorry, but I don't think this is a normal response. And if it is normal to be this selfish in this situation then we live in a very, very sad world :-(

confused8 · 09/01/2019 14:00

OMG...some of you are making out that the OP is taking the baby away for months! It's 2 weeks to help family in a very difficult situation. She is even saying that she will go back home part way through. I would be mortified if my DP acted this way and put himself first in this situation. The OP is NBU and should feel supported by her partner during this difficult time to do whatever is necessary to help her family. Even if she isn't close to her Aunt, the main purpose of her visit sounds to be helping her mum who is struggling. OP I hope you are able to do what you need to do to help and that your Aunt recovers.

AgathaMisty · 09/01/2019 14:00

Well OP has taken leave to help her husband's family so since she says leave is an option for him maybe he should return the favour.

Which is why I said they clearly have different attitudes to supporting family. Maybe it was easier for OP to do that at the time, maybe it was more necessary, maybe she insisted, I don't know the details. But I don't think the "I did X for you so you must do Y for me" is very productive here so I think they need to find a compromise that they are both happy with.

Cranky17 · 09/01/2019 14:00

I think Monday to Friday is fine, and actually I think he could meet you half way and take the baby on Friday evening assuming you both have a Car and take the baby and you go back to help you cousins

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 14:00

There is really no need to be so rude to people who disagree with you

I'll be rude to anyone insisting that a father's right to see his child for a few days in the evening (for a finite period of time, I might add!) trumps that of a woman whose sister with three young children might be dying in hospital.

I would be telling my DP exactly where he could stick it if he were behaving like that. Luckily for me he won't, because he likes my family and he's not an arsehole.

diddl · 09/01/2019 14:01

Just get yourself ther Op & then think about how long to stay & who visits who at the weekend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2019 14:01

@BonnieBright now that you've explained there are young children to be looked after and dogs to be walked etc, I think your DP is being incredibly selfish - especially as he could take time off work and come with you if he's missing baby so much!!!!

Either you go and he stays and works, or you both go and he can bloody help out too! CF!

This is a family emergency.

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 14:02

His (understandable) response then was to think about himself and his baby - again this is normal

Except that tiny babies actually only need to be where their primary caregiver is. The baby won't give a shit at that age whether it is away from its Dad for a few days or not.

He's thinking of himself. Not his baby.

lazyarse123 · 09/01/2019 14:03

Yadnbu and your dh is being an arse. You sound like a very caring person and your dh needs to get a grip, it's not like you're going to Australia for a month.

peridito · 09/01/2019 14:03

what a horrible situation to be in ,last thing you need is to be arguing with your husband .

I guess you were both shocked .

Hope you can make it up .I do think you need to go and if it's possible could your DH take a couple of Fridays or Mondays off and come down and spend a long weekend with you at your mum's .

So very sorry about your Aunt and her young family .Flowers

woolduvet · 09/01/2019 14:04

It's a horrible situation and it looks like you'd be a great help to your mum and aunts family.
Yep I'd go, your husband will miss your baby in the morning and after work I presume. You can always FaceTime.
You said you were going back at the weekend.
I'd say I'd play it by ear and not commit to two weeks but see how it goes.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/01/2019 14:04

I wish people would read the OP's updates.

For those of you who haven't here is a brief summary:

The aunt has 3 children, the youngest being 2 years old. She has dogs that need walking, children to take to nursery and school etc, and has no partner to support her. The OP's mum is helping, and so is the OP. She is not being unreasonable

OP, I hope your auntie recovers. It must be a shock to all of you Flowers

JudasPrudy · 09/01/2019 14:04

He could take a few days off work and stay at home with the baby while you do down to help. But somehow I imagine he won't be as keen to spend time with his baby as all that.

diddl · 09/01/2019 14:05

He'll miss his son, understandable, but not the most important thing atm imo.

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