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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

319 replies

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 12:55

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 09/01/2019 13:37

A week or even two weeks is not a long time - it's a very short time. life throws up unexpected things and you need to be there for the people who need you. Your Dh doesn't need you at the moment, he just doesn't want to be apart from the baby for two weeks (not even that as you are goiong home at weekends.) Your aunt is seriously ill and your Mum needs support, can't believe your Dh is being so selfish over such a short period of time.

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 13:37

OP, you haven't answered PPs who asked if it was the other way round would you be happy for your DH to take your baby away for a few weeks just seeing him/her at weekends?

I wish people would stop bleating out shit like this. It's irrelevant. The OP is the primary caregiver. The father has gone back to work so clearly is NOT the primary caregiver.

The question would only be relevant if he were the one at home with the baby. He isn't.

frenchchick9 · 09/01/2019 13:37

YANBU. You are going to support your mother, not on a jolly to the Greek islands. Hmm Your h will have the rest of his life with your baby. Your mum needs you now.

I hope your aunt recovers.

TheVortex · 09/01/2019 13:38

Please go, YANBU

Having your support sounds essential practically and emotionally.

Fairylea · 09/01/2019 13:38

I don’t think you are that unreasonable but I do think you need to try and set up a longer term plan if your mum is unable to cope. What about the aunts children’s dad? Are they still together? Can he step in?

Applesandpears23 · 09/01/2019 13:38

I would go in a heart beat and expect my DP to come down in the weekend in the middle if he wanted to see the baby. YANBU.

Helmetbymidnight · 09/01/2019 13:38

MN is typically very dismissive of the extended family though, so it doesn't really surprise me

It has surprised me. Utterly bizarre thread.

AgathaMisty · 09/01/2019 13:39

Sorry OP, I must have missed that.

I personally wouldn't take annual leave to go with you if I were your DP but I can understand that you have different values when it comes to supporting family.

I don't think either of you are BU but I think you need to find a compromise. I wouldn't want to be away from my baby for a week either so maybe you could reduce it to 3 days?

ChariotsofFish · 09/01/2019 13:39

Of course you should go. And if he’s that bothered by missing out on seeing the baby for an hour or two a day for five days, he should take some annual leave and come with you. Your mother needs your support.

Bluestitch · 09/01/2019 13:39

Some people are so desperate to do the 'if the roles were reversed' nonsense that they appear to miss the actual substance of the thread.

FluffMagnet · 09/01/2019 13:39

Totally with you, especially as your DH was happy for you to look after his own father. Plenty of parents do not see their babies for lengths of time in excess of a working week for a total of a fortnight just for work (especially the Armed Forces, seafarers etc.), so a fortnight supporting your family is not the end of the world.

Do what you need to do, so long as you are able to do it. I am sorry to hear about your aunt.

Mia1415 · 09/01/2019 13:40

YANBU! I can't believe some of the comments on this thread.

If anything your DH should be offering to come with you for support.

frenchchick9 · 09/01/2019 13:40

Some of the responses on here are bonkers! Let's hope none of you ever need the help of a neice or nephew - or even your own dc, if it means their partner won't see his dc for a few days. Jeez.

OP, you were very kind to take time off to look after your FIl when your h didn't do it. Is he uncaring/controlling generally?

Passing4Human · 09/01/2019 13:40

I took my eldest down to visit my folks for a week when she was a baby, just because I wanted some support from my mum as I felt I was a struggling teary mess (all family in different parts of the country from where we are). My DH wasn't bothered and understood and had a relaxed week catching up on sleep from what he said afterwards.

I'd go. It's a loved one, your mum needs support and it's only a week. I feel am I missing something or being odd thinking that? So many posters are saying YABU. It's so important to have love and support when you're ill in hospital, surely?

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 09/01/2019 13:40

Of course YANBU, this is an emergency, he will see his DC at weekends and he is working during the week. You are not going on some jolly, this is an emergency when families should pull together and support each other - perhaps he needs reminding of that. Also remind him that his DC still has two healthy parents, whereas your aunt's children are dealing with their mother in hospital seriously ill. He needs to get a grip and not be such a snowflake.

Drum2018 · 09/01/2019 13:42

I wouldn't expect your Dh to take time off for this. However if you want to take the baby and go and stay at your mums for a week surely you don't need permission. At first I thought you were leaving the baby at home, which would be unreasonable. Just tell your Dh you are going.

AgathaMisty · 09/01/2019 13:42

I wish people would stop bleating out shit like this. It's irrelevant. The OP is the primary caregiver. The father has gone back to work so clearly is NOT the primary caregiver.

How is it irrelevant to ask someone to put themselves in someone else's shoes? So only the primary caregiver is allowed to miss their new baby? Hmm That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard on MN for a while!

Bluestitch · 09/01/2019 13:43

I wouldn't want to be away from my baby for a week either so maybe you could reduce it to 3 days?

He has the option of taking a bit of leave and going along with the OP to help out but has refused, despite OP using up leave to care for his father. Why should she restrict herself to 3 days to appease him when he is doing nothing to support her?

GoldenHoops · 09/01/2019 13:43

Bonnie
Just go, your mum needs you. 🌹

DragonMamma · 09/01/2019 13:43

I can see both sides but depending on where you live in Wales, it’s entirely possible to just go for a couple of nights rather than a full week. It’s not that far really and I’ve done it for weekends away.

Obviously it’s a moot point if you live in Bangor or somewhere pretty north.

Helmetbymidnight · 09/01/2019 13:44

If the primary caregiver needed to support their mum and aunt for a working week, you think most working parents would object?!!

Bloody hell. I can’t believe some of the responses here.

Sirzy · 09/01/2019 13:44

I do love this idea that people can drop everything and take leave from work!

Bluestitch · 09/01/2019 13:46

OP has already said it's an option for him to take leave but he doesn't want to 'waste' it.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 09/01/2019 13:46

Why doesn't he join you for the weekend (to offer support and see the baby)?

Helmetbymidnight · 09/01/2019 13:46

Please go, op. It’s normal to support your mum when she’s having a tough time.

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