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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aunt has had a heart attack but DP being an arse

319 replies

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 12:55

...but DP doesn't want me to visit her for too long as we have a small baby and he doesn't want to be away from our son for a week.

We've had a massive row over it. She's my aunt. And it's only a week.

I'm upset. I need to be there for my mum also who is in bits. I'll be visiting next week too, regardless of how he feels about that.

She lives in Cornwall and I'm in Wales so not like I can just pop down for the night.

I know HIBU but I'm in tears and angry and worried about my aunt so needed to vent on mn :( I've never been close to my aunt but I love her and she's been present my whole life. I'm surprised how upset I am over it.

OP posts:

Nesssie · 09/01/2019 13:46

Just go, your mum needs you. AMEN!

Sounds like you and your mum are close, of course you should go and support her whilst her sister is potentially dying! Cannot understand why people are saying you shouldn't.

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 13:46

How is it irrelevant to ask someone to put themselves in someone else's shoes? So only the primary caregiver is allowed to miss their new baby? hmm That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard on MN for a while!

God, some people are so obtuse.

The OP is the primary caregiver therefore baby goes where they go and that takes precedent.

FFS, the OH is at work all week and OP would be back at the weekends. Get a grip.

OP, you should say "ok then, you stay at home with the baby and I'll go on my own". What a selfish man, seriously.

longtimelurkerhelen · 09/01/2019 13:47

YANBU Ask him how he would feel if it was you in hospital, and to try to have a bit of empathy for her children, who must be terrified especially as their dad is not on the scene. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. When these awful things happen you depend on your family the help as you should. He is lucky you are going back for the weekends. Hope your aunt pulls through.

Passing4Human · 09/01/2019 13:47

.... also does this mean you can't go away to visit family or friends without your DP at other times? Like if you want to visit a brother or sister when he's working for a couple of days is that never ok if he's not with you? You aren't joined at the hip. The more I think about it YADNBU.

ladycarlotta · 09/01/2019 13:47

having read all your posts and not just the first one, I have to say YANBU. If you're going home at the weekends I don't think your husband has a lot to object to - it might be a bit sad for him, but this is a family crisis and you need to be there.

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 13:47

I do love this idea that people can drop everything and take leave from work!

No one's saying he HAS to do that, merely pointing out that if he was that fussed about missing the baby he could try it as an option.

Besides, OP has already said he could perfectly well take it and has refused to.

Why doesn't he join you for the weekend (to offer support and see the baby)?

Yep, was going to say the same.

DiamondsBestFriend · 09/01/2019 13:48

Exactly what kind of support is it that your mum needs here? Also, have they given a prognosis? If you say she can’t even talk is that because of the damage the attack has caused in which case she’s likely to be in hospital/rehab for months not weeks and staying there is going to be impractical then.

Secondly, you won’t be allowed to take a baby on to the ICU/HDU ward so in that instance it would be more practical for you to leave the baby at home with your dp and travel independently.

Lastly, you’re not close to this aunt, would she want you there even? I’ve been on the other side of this in that I’ve been the one on ICU in a medically induced coma following a problem with my heart, and when I was extremely ill I wouldn’t have wanted all and sundry showing up just because I “might die” which was a real possibility. In fact there was another patient on the ward at the time who had been in a major car accident and his whole family and the family of his partner were all there on mass “just in case,” for days apparently, taking up the waiting area as you’re generally only allowed on to the ICu two at a time, and making it impossible for other relatives of extremely ill patients to even be able to sit down in the waiting area as they’d taken over...

Is your mum her next of kin or does she have family of her own? What support does your mum need and what does she need to sort out?

TheFrequentNameChangingLady · 09/01/2019 13:48

Sorry but yabu. It's not fair to take the baby away from his dad for extended periods of time.
Your not close to your aunt and heart attacks aren't necessarily life and death any more. Does it look like it is for her?
What does your mum need the support for? Is she unwell too, did she rely on her sister for anything?
Sorry to sound harsh but dads have got rights too and if he doesn't want to miss his child for two weeks then that's his right.

CatnissEverdene · 09/01/2019 13:49

Go and support your Mum and your aunt. She's a single parent fgs.

Your Mum must be in bits and your DH is being a prick, frankly. It's not all about what he wants and needs.

I really hope your aunt is OK

WellBHoise · 09/01/2019 13:49

Go YANBU, I don’t think some posters have read the further details you have given. 40yr old single mum in hospital with a poor outlook, of course you need to go and help your mum and cousins!
Of course you go and your DH comes down to you on Friday and goes back to work Monday.

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 13:49

My husband would be offering to come too if he could!

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 13:49

What does your mum need the support for? Is she unwell too, did she rely on her sister for anything?

Well I can't speak for everyone as clearly unlike many on here I actually like and appreciate my extended family (and was raised to help and support them), but I do know that if my sister had a serious illness I would appreciate someone being physically present for hugs, cups of tea, bits of practical support round the house etc.

Some people on here have had empathy bypasses. Vile.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/01/2019 13:50

YANBU. at all

In fact to be honest, I think your dp should come down and join you at the weekend as opposed to you returning. You are needed to help your mum with your cousins. I imagine you aren’t that close because of differences in age so that’s a red herring. Too young to be an aunt. To old to be a cousin.

Of course you feel for her and her children especially now that you can start to appreciate the enormity of responsibility of being a parent. She’s so young.

If my dh suggested this wasn’t ok I’d be very very unhappy. You are supporting your family in crisis. He should be there for you. Yes he will miss out. But shit happens. Life isn’t always what we expect.

As for your comment that he could come down, but doesn’t want to, that shows him how little he values your beliefs and your family. Well tough. Time for him to grow up. Maybe one day he will be grateful for others help.

SavageBeauty73 · 09/01/2019 13:50

I really don't understand the responses. Of course you should go and support your mum. Can't your DP come and stay at the weekend?

Original poster

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 13:50

@DiamondsBestFriend did you read any of my posts?

OP posts:

AgathaMisty · 09/01/2019 13:50

He has the option of taking a bit of leave and going along with the OP to help out but has refused

Ok, now back in the real world, it's not so easy to just drop everything at work right after the holidays and demand leave because your DP's aunt is in hospital...

I don't know why so many people have this one size fits all attitude to families. We are all different so must do what works for us. There are no hard and fast rules! Neither is BU, they just have different ideas of what is expected of family.

I personally wouldn't take leave for my DH in this case and he would never expect me to but it doesn't mean we love/support each other any less.

nomorearsingmermaids · 09/01/2019 13:51

Sorry to sound harsh but dads have got rights too and if he doesn't want to miss his child for two weeks then that's his right.

Few things -

It's not two weeks. OP has repeatedly said she will be back at weekends.
Does that therefore mean he has the right to insist he goes absolutely everywhere with OP and baby? Sounds like a controlling arsehole to me if so.
Get. A. Grip.

Lunde · 09/01/2019 13:52

Wow - some of the responses on this thread are utterly heartless. OP is NBU

OP's family is having a major family emergency - her 40 year old aunt may die and has three very young children. OP's mum is not coping and needs immediate help with the kids until a prognosis is clearer.

Only the most utterly heartless person would stop their partner travelling a few hours to help out in these circumstances. I cannot believe what MN has come to that it is OK for OP's family to collapse because his "right" not to miss the baby for a couple of days is more important. It is clear that many people her have extremely low empathy and low standards.

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 13:52

" rights" not to miss your child! Grow up.

SunnyTikka · 09/01/2019 13:52

If it were me? I'd be in the car already. DP could join me or not - his choice. Your family needs help, you want to give it. He needs to suck it up and get real.
Hope your aunt is okay :)

DontTouchTheMoustache · 09/01/2019 13:53

Your mums needs right now far outweigh your DPs needs. Your partner should be supporting you right now in any way he can not making things more difficult.

Motoko · 09/01/2019 13:53

Right, now that you've explained a bit more, considering you took time off to look after his dad, but he's not willing to take time off to help you (because if he came with you, he could look after the baby while you help out with your little cousins), I've changed my mind, and do think he's being unreasonable.

Go help your mum.

Bluestitch · 09/01/2019 13:53

Exactly what kind of support is it that your mum needs here?

I'd imagine emotional support in addition to practical help with 3 young kids (including a toddler) who will be very distressed. Bizarre that to some the right of a grown man to not have his routine disrupted and insist his wife stays at home so that their baby is briefly available to him in the evenings should be prioritised at a time like this.

Mia1415 · 09/01/2019 13:53

I personally wouldn't take leave for my DH in this case and he would never expect me to but it doesn't mean we love/support each other any less.

Wow! Really? I'd take leave to help out my ex DH or a close friend in this situation if needed and I'm pretty sure they'd do the same for me.

Original poster

BonnieBright · 09/01/2019 13:54

Sorry I didn't put everything in the OP but this has literally just happened and I'm trying to get my head round it all before I leave.

OP posts:

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