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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS wants to invite everyone but one to his party

310 replies

Sherbetty · 09/01/2019 12:50

DS's 10th birthday is coming up and he's decided he wants a whole class party with the exception of one child. They've never gotten on, the boy has always teased DS, tried to turn his friends against him, the other week he was throwing stones at DS whilst he was on his way home from school. I can understand why he wouldn't want to invite him but it may cause more problems in ths long run between them. I can only imagine what his parent's will be like if their son is the only one not to be invited. DH thinks it would be cruel not to invite him despite how he treats DS, would I be being unreasonable to let DS do this?

OP posts:

speakout · 09/01/2019 15:47

Anyone who has had a child that has been bullied will understand.

lunicorn · 09/01/2019 15:49

I would take the OP's description of her son's motivation at face value. He wants a when class party, he pretty much gets on with everyone, especially as it's now year 6, but unfortunately there's the matter of the boy who threw stones at him.
Because if this boy, he can't have the party he wants no matter what. There will have to be a compromise.
If you know an older lad 16 to 18 age group, I'd be tempted to do what others have suggested: pay them to be there and watch the bully.

goldengummybear · 09/01/2019 15:51

No way would I invite the bully. If asked why by the parents I'd have no problems saying that it was because our kids don't get along. The school have tried to change their relationship which obviously includes the parents being told that their sons behaviour towards OP's son is unacceptable.

There are frequent posts on here about adults being left out of social occasions for a whole lot less than bullying. Adults rarely automatically suck it up and invite everyone to special days like weddings and birthdays and your son deserves a few hours celebrating with his friends without seeing or thinking about the bully.

As for the predictable post about not labelling 10 year olds as bullies-wake up. Ask your kids what the playground is like. They will have witnessed plenty of unkind behaviour and will know exactly who the mean kids are. Kids are generally pretty forgiving and give more chances to badly behaved people than adults do. OP's son already has to be in the same class as his bully and is very reasonable to tolerate it. Adults would swap jobs, involve the police, go NC in that situation.

The "safest" thing to do is to invite half the class so there's no guilt attached to the celebration.

LowbrowVictoriana · 09/01/2019 15:52

God, some of you have no fucking idea what it is like to be bullied- I hope to goodness your dc aren't bullied, because they will have a doubly shit time of it with parents who refuse to protect them. I need to hide this thread before I get angry

^^ This with bells on.

Lweji · 09/01/2019 15:54

On a side note, OP, have you talked to the school about this?

Lweji · 09/01/2019 15:54

Sorry, I meant, the bullying, not the party.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 15:54

Oh god the minimising of bullying behaviour by some on here, is dreadful. Op ds is being bullied by this boy, having stones thrown at him, and turning friends against him. No I would not feel sorry for a child who makes my child's life miserable, this boy is 10 in a few years will be a teenager, he is not a young child. I was weed on by a bully in primary school, and it still cuts deep now 35 years later. Absolutely op ds does not have to have him at his party, and why some thinks it might be op ds that is bullying this boy .

From what I have read of the op posts, it is more likely that his parents let him do what the hell he wanted, without any consequences. This is the result.

speakout · 09/01/2019 15:55

THis is worth repeating again.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/01/2019 15:59

Mmm!

Yes, say many posters, invite a child who has bullied your child over an extended period of time. Invite that child to your child's birthday party, in his in home, his bedroom, his own safe space.

Cos you MUST be more aware and sensitive to that child than to your own. You MUST teach your child to bury his sense of worth in order to be seen to be a paragon of parenting.

Alternatively let your kid invite his friends and don't be too polite to tell the school or other kid's parents why you prefer to maintain your own child's mental health.

Let the school send his parents do that for the other kid.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2019 16:02

Op, are you sure this is one sided and the child is bullying your child, or could it be a case of two kids who don't get on and give as good as they get.

Many parents would be surprised at their child's behaviour when apart from them.

If the child is bullying your son, then of course don't invite him, but if there is a chance this is two kids who simply don't really like each other, I'd be inclined to invite and be the bigger person and see if they can put it to bed.

Salmakia · 09/01/2019 16:02

The kid is 10, old enough to understand actions have consequences. If you are mean, unkind and aggressive you will be excluded from a lot of social activities because people do not want to socialise with mean, unkind and aggressive people. Your child shouldn't have to fix the child that bullies him by including him where he is not wanted. The bully has a whole host of teachers and relatives to fix him. Don't invite him. If these were very little children it would be different but 10 is old enough to deal with exclusion as a result of poor behaviour.

goldengummybear · 09/01/2019 16:06

I think that if OP's son was bullying the other boy too, the school or the other parents would have flagged this when OP asked for the school's help.

LagunaBubbles · 09/01/2019 16:11

Imagine how that child will feel when he realizes he’s the only one not invited?

Well hopefully it will teach him that if he's nasty and horrible to another child then he can't expect to be invited to their party. Therefore to stop being nasty.

Deedee0208 · 09/01/2019 16:13

I think it would be totally unfair to invite this boy, this is how children get away with bullying, the boy needs to realise if you bully people you will not be invited to anything to do with them, I'd also make it perfectly clear to his parents the reason he is being left out, I would of been devastated if my parents had insisted on inviting my bully to one of my birthday party's. parents should be protecting there kids from bully's and telling them its totally not excepteble

LagunaBubbles · 09/01/2019 16:14

We are talking about children here. To label them as abusers is bizarre
Why? The victims are also children, and are being emotionally damaged so they are being abused.
. So what becomes of this bully then? Shall we just lock him up and throw away the key.

He's a CHILD
And?

Magicpaintbrush · 09/01/2019 16:21

I don't think you should invite the bully. Your son needs to know you have got his back - if you invite the bully it will be like you are prioritising that child's feelings over your son's and he won't forget it. It's not ideal but the other child cannot and should not expect to be invited to the party of a child he has bullied, made miserable and thrown stones at. I'm afraid you reap what you sow and he is now of an age where he can understand that and take responsibility for his behaviour and accept the consequences of that. If this was a party of 4 year olds it would be different. At 10 this bully is old enough to know better. And I don't see why your son should have to reduce the number of children attending this party to save the feelings of this boy who clearly takes pleasure in victimising him. It's a life lesson for the bully and tough luck, frankly.

Nat6999 · 09/01/2019 16:25

I wouldn't invite him, I was bullied all through school from 5-16, it has left mental scars that will never go away to the point that I now isolate myself from everyone. I still have nightmares at 52 about what happened to me. If you invite this child your DS will spend his party looking over his shoulder & won't enjoy it properly, let him have his party with children he is happy to be with. If school start complaining, tell them to do their job properly & discipline this child.

Yabbers · 09/01/2019 16:26

He wants to leave him out, to teach him a lesson. That’s not right. Don’t invite him, but don’t make it a whole class thing.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 16:29

God Bluntness minimising bullying much! I hope that you have never been bullied, as it is awful. So there must be 2 sides to every story then, op ds must have bullied this boy, for him to react like that . Do you know how that sounds. OP ds does not have to invite this boy who makes him feel scared, bullies him by throwing stones at him, and turning his friends against him, absolutely not! So the bullied child has to be the 'bigger person', but their needs and feelings aside for somebody who makes their life misrerable. No bloody way.

I was bullied all through primary school, not because there are 2 sides to every story, so there must be something I have done to be treated this way, but because I did not fit in, and was considered odd. I had mild learning difficulties which put me at great vulnerability, the worse thing was, when a boy weed all over me, and I just stood there frozen, shame, humiliated. I still think about it now. Please stop victim blaming, some kids are just nasty.

Sirzy · 09/01/2019 16:32

I was bullied throughout school.

I can still see how purposely excluding just one child is wrong, two wrongs don’t make a right.

Nobody had said that the bully must be invited, however they have said that in that case a full class party (which is far from normal at this age anyway) isn’t the way to go.

Tissunnyupnorth · 09/01/2019 16:32

Have the school confirmed the bullying? I would be very very wary of using bullying tactics as a parent ie use of social exclusion, unless I was absolutely sure of the dynamics of the situation.

goldengummybear · 09/01/2019 16:35

So what becomes of this bully then? Shall we just lock him up and throw away the key.

OP's son and OP can not help this bully change. Only the school, his parents and most importantly the boy himself can do that.

OP's son is doing the best thing by avoiding him.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2019 16:37

It is not up to op and her ds to change this boys behaviour and to be 'the bigger person' and set an example. Op has said he will have a smaller party and invite other friends outside and cousins, which is the way to go.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/01/2019 16:42

Yabbers did it cross your mind that OPs son doesn't want to invite him so he doesn't get hurt... at his in party, in his own home?

You seem to be asserting the OPs son has the kind of malice aforethought that other posters seem to be saying the 'bully' cannot have.

RavenWings · 09/01/2019 16:45

Teacher here - do NOT invite the other kid. It's important to teach your child that he doesn't have to allow people who hurt him repeatedly into his life. Very important for future boundaries and self-worth.

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